Dear Anita,

This is a journal entry on another topic that has been on my mind the past 24 hours, and I would love your advice and thoughts.

(1)I have always loved the idea of having a ‘girl group’ of friends, multiple perspectives and multiple people to be there for you. When I watch of Sex in the City (the movie/show) I want what they have. Even in the tv show Friends, the group of friends, even just the three girls having eachother. Despite having this desire I have found myself, over the years since highschool, found myself avoiding mixing certain friends… I had this friend, G, she was my first real friend, she lived down the street and her parents were often not home so she would spend the summers with me and my family. We went to different schools for a while, but once I joined her public school, instead of helping me make friends, it was more like some competition to show me all the friends she made… From this point on, I made other friends on my own, because I couldn’t rely on her ‘in school.’ I made good friends, all temporarily though in classes, but then I met a girl T, who I really liked and got along with, we would spend lunches together freshman year. T told me one time she felt weird because G had reached out to her to hangout… I thought this was weird too, G didn’t even know T but through me. I didn’t like this but it was ignored because T didn’t desire to respond. G was fun to be with outside of school and without other girls OR boys around. (literally told the boy I liked in middle school that I liked him! and that she did too!) But then she apologized, that was in 8th grade and it wasn’t until sophomore year (10th grade) I was able to go hangout with her again, with walls up.

(2)Since then G has been in bad relationships where guys cheat on her and she stays, they are mean to her and she cries to me, then I try to tell her to leave and she stays with them. Last year I had to tell G that I could no longer answer her long calls to vent about these men that she would only go back to, in fact days before breaking up with N when you told me that you could no longer hear about his gaslighting, I was reminded of this. Anyways I don’t want this bad relationship to affect how I approach other friends, with walls up.

(3)Then there is P, we connected sophomore year and have been the best friendship I have had since then. She is always a phone call away, and she was a big reason I chose to move to AZ, where she moved a couple years ago. Although since I have lived here this past year, she has been consumed with this relationship, that from the outside seemed obviously toxic to me, but love is blind. Her eyes were recently opened, she fell out of love but is paying a lease with him until october. In the mean time being around him and draining her in every way. The three options you shared with me yesterday “you have 3 options: (1) to stay with him and ask no questions (hatchling/ Seaturtle in a cage), (2) stay with him and keep asking questions, and getting infuriated, (3) having mercy on the two of you, wishing him well and existing the relationship.” P is confined to option 1, until she can move out. Just yesterday she came over to go on a walk with me, I asked her how she was, and she just burst into tears. Saying she feels stupid for moving in with this man, she knew it was wrong and just ignored her intuition, she said he brings out the worst in her, now they are just roommates who argue.

(4) The difference between G and P, is that G continues to return to the men. I can tell P knows what she deserves and it is no longer this situation. G, for example, would cry one minute, then the next be like “oh wait I think we can actually make it work.” Whereas P, is very set on it never working, I trust she would not go back. This redeeming quality in P, plus how mentally healthy I have seen her in the past, is why I stick by P, through a hard time right now. However I do find I am protective of my energy around her… I want to be there for her, but not let it bring me down, which I think she is good at not over-staying her welcome, a Quality G did not have. I feel like to have lasting friends you need to be there for them through the hard parts, and you just need to decide which friends you believe are growing and who would keep you stagnant. P has brought me up before, now it is my turn to be there for her.

(5)I am so beyond thankful for my roommate, R (I have called her M in the past but I don’t want to use the same letter I use for my mom, so I will change hers to R for Roommate). She was the one who told me, before breaking up with N, that she would be there for me, she said “let’s do it, I can be here for you” she brought me ice cream the night of the breakup, leaving her current date early. Since then I have spent alot of time with R, days I would usually have spent with N. When R works I get some needed alone time as well. The other night when we went out, I shared with her my desire to go visit Louisiana, potentially my next home! I love everything that I have read, and I do not love AZ, I have been asking my higher self, where next? for a long time but am patient for the answer. Then a few days ago I sat in silence and felt the desire to look at a map, I want to live by a large body of water, the coast perhaps, as I looked along the coast, ruling out certain states I found myself at New Orleans, a place I have been wanting to visit for a while. I looked up the culture and so far am so intrigued. The night we went out I told her about it, she got excited for me and said she could see me there. She said she would love to go visit with me! save up together and go explore, this morning we talked more about budgeting and planning the trip.

(6)So here is my dilemma. I have invited P and R to hangout the three of us twice, both times I sort of felt it was overtaken by P. I think it is because in her living situation now, she doesn’t get to express herself, so it comes out in bursts when she is out and it is hard for others to get a word in. Personally I have found my time with R more enjoyable, and feeding to me. But yesterday when P came over, she made a comment, seeing a picture of me and R’s night out, she said “I would have come out with you guys! I have been home just sad.” I didn’t really respond, but I was thinking, ‘I am happy it was just me and R.’ As I spent the evening with P last night, I kept thinking ‘should I mention the New Orleans trip?’ I didn’t, because I wasn’t sure what I would say if she asked to come. I sort of just want to go with just R. But, to come full circle to the beginning of this post, I have always wanted a ‘girl group,’ yet here I am denying it? Intuition or fear?! here we are again. Is it ever fear? I have been this way for so long, ever since keeping G away from T, freshman year of highschool (who I mention at the beginning of this post). I wonder if I am pushing away my opportunities for a girl group, or if being with one person at a time is best for me.

(7) The interesting thing is, R came home this morning, right between paragraphs 4-5 (i will number them now so it is clearer). I asked her about her night at a birthday party last night, then we got to talking about our New Orleans trip, when it would be the best time and how long we would need to save. Then she brought up “and you know I was thinking about if we should invite other girls, but I think it should just be us since we have similar goals going and mixing up what everyone wants to do might take away from our both wanting to just explore.” I found this so interesting because I was just here journaling about that question and she brought it up without me even saying anything about that. The same things were on her mind as mine.

Anyways, I appreciate this space to journal and if you do have some insights as to my friendship patterns, or anything, I’d love to hear.

Happy Sunday! (smiling sunshine emoji)

Seaturtle