Dear Anita,

“yes, confirmed: you can find a healing man, a person like you, a person like me.”

Thank you 🙂

“– his heart chakra vibrations are lower because during his childhood, his vibrations were dulled more than yours were dulled during your childhood.”

What I take from this is, I wonder where my vibrations were dulled, to point me to undoing this. Clearly my throat chakra, and third eye, the most.

“– they have TOO MUCH FEAR that their authentic self is unacceptable. No matter how much you love them, they figure that if you knew them, you’d hate them. So, they hide and deceive.”

Again this has N written all of it, and he will use me leaving as proof that I didn’t accept his authentic self, when really he hadn’t even showed that to me.

I wrote: “I enjoy being inspired to be better, and for that reason I believe, learned to find joy when I discover something I did wrong, so that I can look inside and discover something new about myself!” and you responded “I don’t think N feels this way.”

I don’t think he does either, which makes this one of my new standards in a partner.

I wrote: “It is technically my fault for shining light on parts of him that he did not like“ and you replied “- not your fault, not a wrongdoing. it’s a loving thing to do. But when he rejects it again and again.. time to stop shining that light on him and move on and away.”

Rejecting the gift of light… a gift I want to be given.

“– (1) if you need to, you can calculate how much rent you objectively think that you owe him and plan to pay him that amount. (2) “he loved”- what does it mean, his brand of love..?”

1-I wonder this, if it would solve anything.

2-He may not of wanted light shed on him on a conscious level, but some level of him chose someone who’s nature is to do this, bring light. “they have TOO MUCH FEAR that their authentic self is unacceptable. No matter how much you love them, they figure that if you knew them, you’d hate them. So, they hide and deceive.” If he thought he was so hateable, so unlovable, then why did he allow himself to choose someone with a huge heart. If he truly hated himself and didn’t feel deserving of love he would choose someone who is like him, teflon, not so connected to their heart chakra, but he allowed himself to be with someone who had a big capacity to love, whether he consciously knew this or not. Someone to love him so hard, is hat is best for him, and he chose someone who had the potential to help him if he was willing, so in some way he made a good decision for himself to chose to spend so much time with me. Unlike most of his self destructive behaviors and substances, I was one of his good decisions, that he was not fully able to receive/see because consciously he could not, but something in him gravitated to me. I feel like he knew on some level, that I could help him, but consciously he did not want it, pushing me away was his self destructiveness. But the part inside of him that knew I could be the perfect person to show be loved by, that part of him, I think loved me. Yes there was much more he could have done to show his love, but there were some things he did for me. He cared for me in his own ways, for example my car. He always check on it before I drove off, checking the oil, steering fluid, coolant (my car was overheating). Not only did he do these things for me but he wanted me to know how to do it myself incase he wasn’t around, he reminded me to do these things and made sure I understood the importance. He cared for me, this I believe was him loving me, in the small doses he was able to. He once paid for me to go to my improv class, I loved going and came home brighter, and he saw that, I was disapointed one week cause I couldn’t afford it and he sent me the money right away, pushing me to do something that brought me strength, why would he want me to have strength if he didn’t love me? A spider does not want the fly to have any strength to leave, or knowledge (like the car) to leave or live without him. When I was sad, he put his head on my shoulder, not knowing what to say, but when I felt panicked I would sit in the closet with the lights off and he would come in, shut the door, and sit with me. Ugh this is making me miss him a little, darn ha. He loved me, I believe.

But, to remind myself now, in this moment I need to open my third eye to other aspects of the relationship to stop missing him right now. He wasn’t willing to take responsibility for his lies, even after giving him so many opportunities. He thought my way of regaining energy, was a waste of time. He did not want to be introspective, he rejected my gift of light on hidden places and couldn’t find joy in discovering why he did certain things, instead just deflected “I just don’t know how I come across a lot of the time.” This is why the relationship was so hard to leave, if I focused on the good it wasn’t hard to want to go back to his home. he didn’t want to grow with me. Instead he wanted to smoke. He didn’t respect my process of growth, and therefore treated me in a nonloving way when he lacked energy, such as the cash incident. I gave him so many opportunities to take SOME responsibility, any would have been enough for me to see growth in his eyes. His survival mode choices, such as being the most connected when going through hard things, rather than being able to sit and talk in the quiet.

Feeling a bit ick right now, just letting those memories, of how he was there for me, surface in my mind is painful. They feed into what if he could have changed, taken better care of himself. Ugh this back and forth is exhausting and I am calling on my third eye right now to remain open and strong today.

“- how much money would you place on this guidance (maybe you can deduct if from the rent you think you owe him..?)”

Interesting idea.

” just had my 2nd red wine glass this evening, listening to a guy singing to no one, as no one showed up for his performance.”

What a cool experience! I am glad he had you. This sounds like a night I would love to be apart of.

Seaturtle