Dear Anita,

I am writing a journal post now then will respond to your reply.

I have had a harder few days in a row. It really comes and goes, sometimes days in a row I don’t feel negative emotions towards being out of the relationship, then other times it hits. Two nights ago I had a gross dream, and the feelings are still lingering in me today, as they were all day yesterday. My friend P has this friend, we will call her Maya. Maya is not my type of person, I do not like to be around her, she has bad energy, she gets angry fast, incredibly defensive, rude and dishonest/disloyal. Honestly it affects my feelings for P, because she continues to hang around her and I told her to completely stop inviting me, she also has other friends who I do not like to be around because they are just icky to be around, I get a bad feeling. Anyways, When P was over for our walk the other night she told me about Maya and a time they went out and the bartender was paying for P’s drinks, they were chatting and at the end he said “can I get your number?” and P said yes, then Maya right next to her says “can I give you my number too?” This is the type of gross behavior I am talking about and something I want to be so far away from. Anyways that night I had the gross dream, I dreamt I was in a room with a few girls, including P and Maya, and Maya says she started dating N! She was talking about all the good qualities and sleeping with him. Even typing this makes me feel so so gross. I feel I have come to terms with him being with someone else, I have had dreams where he is with another girl and I do not wake up feeling sick. But this time I felt so gross when I woke up and still feel it now. Him being with someone I know just terrifies me. I am not sure how to kick this feeling.

Perhaps it is the time of month, maybe my hormones are playing with me, because I miss him physically more than usual. I was telling my roommate last night, “I don’t miss him, I don’t miss his personality or conversations, I miss feeling scooped up by this large man, I miss being held and kissing his cheeks laying in bed extra long on a sunday morning watching tv.” I realize I do not miss him, it is just having another person, but at the moment, having that with someone else feels so far away, so that feeling of far away mixed with the fact he use to provide that, I feel like I am lacking something I cannot have. Then on top of that, the idea of someone I know TALKING TO ME about him doing those things with her! This makes me cringe so so much to pain. Especially someone as gross as her, it is almost like it would make me feel badly about myself if he were to choose someone I think is bad vibes… Interesting, yes I think this is it. If he were with a sweetheart girl, I don’t believe that would cause me this ick. What causes me the gross feeling is the idea of him with some (forgive my language but I can’t think of a nice way to put it) trashy girl. I would rather him be with someone I could stand and actually get along with… Although it would hurt to hear if he was a better partner to her, that is a whole other type of feeling though, that is not gross, but feels more sad/ regretful.

The weird thing is I woke up feeling a little physically sick this morning alongside the thoughts (green cringing emoji)

Seasick Seaturtle