Dear Anita,

“So, to get along with a person who hides and deceives, you have to be part of the FEAR and the hiding and deceiving, aka unbalanced and blocked chakras.  I wrote fear with capital letters because it’s the kind of fear that annihilates the gut…”

To be part of the fear, deceiving and hiding, I wonder what this lead to inside my body and outside in my expression/personality.

To stay in fear you have to ignore your gut? So then by listening to your gut your annihilate FEAR?

“yes, light around him, not light into him.”

I was telling my roommate last night, I feel like I explained to him who I was so much that he didn’t have to ask me questions, like I craved him shining light on me, and thought that I could do it myself. While at the same time trying to shine my light on him. Last night my roommate admitted, “I did notice while you were together that you didn’t seem like the girl I once knew in high school, and now away from him it seems like she is back.” It is interesting because I don’t remember my highschool self a whole lot, I feel like my parents divorce and emotionally tense home-life, affects my memory of the time, not necessary events but of feelings… Is there a way for me to get more familiar with myself in that time? This reminds me, recently I have been trying to focus on getting to know myself again, fall in love with who I am. But what happens is I fall into what I would usually do, shower, make dinner, or play with the little girl I nanny (my new job right now). Then as I am doing those things I stop and wonder ‘wait, who am I, what am I doing right now, what does it look like and how do I be me…” It is a strange feeling, I want to shine more light on me!

I said “I feel like he knew on some level, that I could help him“ and you responded, “- this may be wishful thinking/ feeling on your part.”

You may be right. To be honest I am really not sure, sometimes I felt like there was a part of him calling out for help, but then when I responded to help he was receptive for only a short amount of time or not at all. His response being “can we just have fun tonight, we haven’t had light fun in a while.” But I struggle to enjoy “light and fun” when there is something that needs to be exposed, whether it is me needing to bring light to something I do, or to what he does. More often it was me trying to shed light on myself, to him, something I got the vibe that he was bored to talk about. His face lit up if I asked about work, his truck, skiing, his nephew (no one else in his family, only his nephew), hiking, boating, camping, food, weed (only in a positive light), but I found all those conversations boring. I once tried to explain to him that talking about deeper topics energized me, and he said they drained him and the topics above energized him (while they bored me after a certain point).

“when you dare open your throat chakra and say what you see through your 3rd eye”

Towards the end of the relationship, the last 3 months, he told me he didn’t like me when I drank alcohol. When I drink I become very vocal about my internal thoughts, so it makes sense that he didn’t like the things I had to say. If I had seen something with my third eye that week, but didn’t say it out holding back from overwhelming him with thoughts, it would spill out when I drank even a couple drinks. It is interesting because smoking started to make me have negative thoughts about him, so I stopped smoking, then drinking did it too and so I had to stop drinking most of the time with him because I would get too confrontational for him. If we drink together (with anyone) and I am feeling a type of way, it often will come out, especially since him and I were together so much. One time he did not like, and the next day said was verbally abusive… and I can admit it was too much, but it was true. So there were two issues I really wanted him to fix for me, one was being late, and the other was giving me some words of affirmations. He very very rarely gave me physical compliments, I got more compliments from random people on the street then I did from my partner, I said this to him that night. The place I took too farm and it was because the alcohol got away from me that night… which I feel regretful for was I began to compare him to past boyfriends and how they would say things, to give him examples and to prove to him he was not doing it, this was clearly not a good argument, but I understand my drunk self’s attempt here. I apologized the next day for comparing him to past boyfriends, I knew that was wrong of me. The compliments never came, the first year with him I didn’t really notice, it was the second year that I started to wonder like ‘do you even notice I put this on for our date, I don’t wear this for anyone but me and you.’ I asked him once, a time he had smoked and was for feeling-y because of the marijuana, I said “babe why don’t you compliment me? I know you think I am beautiful but do you realize how much if would mean to me to hear it from your lips?” his response “But If I tell you how beautiful you are you will leave me”…. this is so sad but also an issue because even after I assured him it would have the opposite affect on me, it didn’t change. He made comments like “oh I haven’t seen that skirt before” or “I like the color of your pants,” but not like those have anything to do with ME, I told him but do I look good in them? He just had a very hard time giving me compliments, sort of in the same category as making me feel seen. I often felt he did not know what made me special, mentally or physically.

” a twist on the spider imagery- the spider wants to feast on a living/ fresh fly, so he feeds the fly with just enough dung to keep it alive, but not strong enough to escape the web.”

Which would explain why he was afraid of me moving out, to find enough strength to leave. When I was first telling him about moving out he did not want me to and told me “I could just seem myself pulling away if you move out.” I feel like this was a manipulation tactic to try to get me to stay, making me fear losing him and deciding to stay.

My roommate brought up a good point last night too, as I was venting to her like I am to you today, out of this gross feeling I am trying to release (which by the way I apologize if it is sending you low vibrations). She pointed out how strange it was that he would act like nothing happened, even the few times she witnessed this. She said I remember you saying you guys had an argument on the phone and an hour later he was at the apartment behaving as if nothing had happened, I of course realize this, but the fact she could see it too is validating. He did do this. Interesting how not saying anything can be just as manipulative as saying something. When this sort of thing happened, and I did bring it up, he would basically say to get over it. So then I would come to this thread and try to see how to get over it, by seeing how I could be projecting F onto N. I tried so hard to take the blame because that was easier than having him refuse to.

Seaturtle