Hi Anita,

You’ve given me much to think about!  Work overtook life for a moment, but I’m happy to return to this exploration. And as for digressing- sometimes the things conversations bring to mind are brought to mind because we wonder about similarities, and that is exactly why exploring with others can be an amazing thing!

In your first reply, you mention the atypical signs, and I believe that I do engage in these things somewhat. For instance, not surrounding my discussion with my friend about my hope that we could have more consistent communication, but earlier this summer, I did share with her my intermittent feelings of loneliness/desire for connection as situations changed- a cancelled trip with another friend (for very good reason that I understood, but was disappointed about).  I know that as I shared my disappointment, I was very clear to also share my understanding why it was happening.  And I definitely did not put pressure on my friend to “fill the gap”.  But I did share that that event might encourage me to seek more solo travel.  And I can see how my friend may have taken that as me making statements that she related to, even though I tried my best to keep it specific to the situation, understanding of how adult lives often don’t mesh well, etc.  I may struggle with how to navigate sharing of authentic thoughts (disappointment of a cancelled trip) while still supporting friendships.  I think that may be the crux of it- no matter how improved I get at communication, I still feel like sharing anything negative at all about my life, any type of dissatisfaction, I feel like that is a major roadblock in my friendships.  Yet I don’t really know how to keep up appearances with people who have longevity and depth with me.  Obviously I’m not out sharing my burdens with acquaintances, but after a certain point I hear other’s burdens and I share mine.   But either I need improvement communicating my burdens when and how appropriate, or I’m connecting with people who have difficulty hearing those, because I’m a helper and maybe I’m just finding those who need to be helped, and we never actually move beyond that dynamic.

In your second post, you mention the potential of me not being able to accept help.  This has been a significant issue in my life, and one I’ve been working on.  I’m not sure how it plays into my most recent friend issue- you bring up her saying she was never going to be good enough.  That statement was directly related to her never communicating regularly, specifically.  There has been a significant change in her responding over the past year, and I took her statement as her telling me “I am not able to respond or interact any differently than I am right now”.  I think where I get frustrated with that is that she clearly expected me to continue to reach out in the same manner as I had been (more in line with our previous communication style), because when I had an incident with my parents that took me away from regular messaging for that week she responded very negatively, accusing me of doing it on purpose.  She never actually was able to hear and acknowledge that I was slightly absent due to my parents’ concern, she just determined her reasoning was correct and disappeared.  I think, when I look back, she was growing away from me over time, and I failed to recognize it.  I know that I do that- I’m trusting in the friendship, and others say they are too, so I see the signs of distance but I give people the benefit of the doubt, that they are busy, going through things, having typical adult space-  not working on leaving.  And then there I am, feeling a little bit like an idiot once I realize that for them, they were finished with the relationship for a while, and were just waiting for me to catch up with this information.

I suppose this could definitely play in to my difficulty accepting support.  There are people I will more easily allow to help me- but they are people who have not then turned around and used that need for support against me.  And I admit, I’ve run into this more than a time or two- I’ll need help or support, someone will offer to provide it, but then when the time comes, they have a ton of reasons why they can’t provide it or I shouldn’t need that type of support.  And its not just the typical negotiation of what they can provide or what would work for me or scheduling or whatever (typical boundaries type stuff), it becomes a full-out “you shouldn’t need this” or “you should be able to do this alone”.  So that discourages me from asking for help or allowing it, because in the past it has turned into a reflection of my character or fitness for some people, and I really don’t have time for that and would like to avoid it whenever possible.

I’ll pause here- there is a lot going on in my mind right now!  Thank you for meandering through this with me!