Dear Seaturtle:

And now, to your most recent post from yesterday:

“If he sees himself as not valuable on the inside… then he must respect someone who does not want something invaluable, thereby lacking respect for anyone that thinks that he is valuable.. What do you think about this?“-

– I think that this may be true to you, and that’s why you had crushes on, and had your focus on (in middle and high school, and onward..?) guys who were not interested in you romantically, not respecting/ having crushes on guys who were interested in you…?

As far as N is concerned, my feel is that he is too removed from his internal experience via distractions and daily, heavy duty use of weed, to think as clearly as you do. Respect is too much of a human experience of cognition+ emotion, and I think of N operating like a spider: instinctually.

“I have another pondering question/ thought I’d like to hear your opinion on. I do not wish that he had contacted me in the past month and a half, since the breakup. However, I wonder why he hasn’t… If I would have been in tears walking away, he may have grabbed back, perhaps this is even explanatory of his comment to my sister of ‘I just can’t get over how coldly she ended it’“-

– in the past, when you walked away from him crying, or when you had a panic attack in the closet.. it was like a fly shaking his spider web, stimulating him into reaching out to the fly. A cold/ unmoving fly does not vibrate a spider’s web.. so he doesn’t reach out to it.

(I did not understand the last paragraph of your most recent post of yesterday, “what it would have ACTUALLY felt like”..?)

anita