Dear Seaturtle:

“I will never receive what I needed before“- it’s not that as an adult, you will never receive the support that you needed as a child, it’s that you will never be a child again. As a child, your brain was physiologically developing in ways and at a scale that are no longer happening and will never happen again. The support that you needed back then was a time-sensitive kind of support. There was a limited window of opportunity to receive it in order to develop with that support solidly built into your brain.

“but no need to repeat that pattern and not receive it in my future right?“- you can receive support from others, as an adult, but have realistic expectations about what support can do for you.

“So I need to neutralize this EXTRA need to be seen, before I can actually be satisfied with the amount a healthy partner will see me. This makes a lot of sense…  I want to consciously heal, in order to fully neutralize this EXTRA desire to be seen, do I need to see myself? Or perhaps I need to ‘grieve’ my lack of being seen“- Yes, see yourself and see others, both. And (not or) grieve being unseen for so long.

“how do I grieve and lower my expectations?“- see hatchling better.. remember her? We didn’t mention her for a long time. There are all kinds of inner-child exercises you can do in workbooks and probably online. Grieving what you didn’t receive as a child has to include seeing Hatchling more, and feeling genuine empathy for her, a kind of empathy that an empathetic parent would feel for a hurting child. Once she is adequately seen by you, and adequately cared for, your expectations will lower.

“Oh interesting, so I was like N in that I didn’t respect myself/ didn’t want people to see who I was on the inside?“- hardly any human in the whole wide world- if any, past a certain age- is okay with being fully seen by others.

“ You think I would have lost interest for those guys if they gained interest?“- maybe. I don’t know.

“A thought I have had a couple time, N absolutely hated spiders hahaha“- that makes sense because spiders don’t like spiders. Out of 45,000 known species of spiders (so I read), only 23 species exhibit quasi social behaviors.

“I understand the literal meaning of this with an actual spider and fly, but how does the analogy transfer to a human relationship? Is it that he sees me about to leave, he wants to stop it from happening, whereas if I move too quickly he doesn’t get a chance?“-no, it’s that (I am thinking) that he feels attracted to an emotional woman because he considers emotionality to be weak, and he feels strong (unemotional) in comparison. I am guessing that when you broke up with him in a cold hearted manner, he lost the attraction.

I compared emotionality to the vibrations a fly causes in a spider’s web, getting the attention and the interest of the spider, energizing him to approach the struggling fly.. attracting him to the struggling fly.

“I just find myself falling into daydreams of if I had said something else at the breakup, what would have happened, or re-living moments to see what went wrong. And I was wondering if it was a productive thing for me to do or if I should attempt to shut those thoughts down“- no, it’s not a productive thing to do because it prepares you to fly back to where you don’t belong (his web).

“More thoughts on your first post..  Have you ever seen The Good Place?“- no, never heard of it (I don’t have a TV service).

“I have gone through this rabbit trail before and it can be very depressing to think about. My sister did a school project on fast fashion and most clothing brands treat their factory workers inhumanely… To end on a positive note, ‘be the change you wish to see in the world‘ (emoji) and I think just by having these conversations we are bringing some sort of light here”-

– yes, let us be the change we want to see in the world!

anita