Dear Anita,

“when you were upset and emotional, or having a panic attack,  he felt like the strong one (while you were the weak one), a feeling he likes, and therefore he felt close to you. “

wow this makes sense for a lot of different scenarios we were in. This makes me trail back to childhood, and wonder if this is what was going on with my parents, why my mom would cry (a weakness in men’s eyes) and then my dad wouldn’t be as upset with her because some part of him liked that feeling of how weak she was… I feel like I have been rewarded for being weak by my mom… She would fix a lot of problems growing up or get me out of trouble when I needed to face things alone. I will think about this topic more, but N is not the first person to make me feel more loved when I was weaker.

“…seeing Hatchling more, and feeling genuine empathy for her, a kind of empathy that an empathetic parent would feel for a hurting child. Once she is adequately seen by you, and adequately cared for, your expectations will lower.”

Is this why parenting can be so healing? My immediate thought after reading this quote was a vision of myself at like 7 years old and that I wish I could touch my forehead to hers because I do empathize with her circumstances. This reminded me of the first day nannying this little girl, she is 16 months and according to her parents ‘very picky about nannies/people.’ It was such a special moment, it was day one of starting the job and I played with her, K, and at one point I was holding her playing with a toy and she touched her little head to my forehead (happy teary eyed emojy!) It was so sweet, I felt like she was saying she accepted me. Anyways after having this memory I wondered how much inner child-work is possible while you have an actual child near you.

Apart from inner-child healing, but a thought I have recently been revisiting, I wonder where children come from. I wonder if their essence/spirit/soul is literally created in the mother, or if it existed before, in a divine place. I have seen different theories on this idea, I want to believe they came from somewhere divine and only lack the intelligence to share what they know, then in growing up they forget. What do you think?

“- hardly any human in the whole wide world- if any, past a certain age- is okay with being fully seen by others.”

I think I am pretty far on the spectrum of wanting it, but certainly to be fully 100% seen feels like a breech of privacy, like there are some things I’d like to keep so that I am not fully exposed to the world. And certain people get closer than others of course. But I am pretty sure I want to be seen more than most, I wonder if this is a personality trait due to being unseen in my past, or if I would be this way either way.. I know I am this way because I say way more that is on my mind than others do, I talk through my thought process with close friends/family. I think N found it odd, cause he rarely acknowledged or really reacted to what I was saying. But my roommate and friend P, both either laugh or join the conversation. My roommate recently told me that she has never met someone so open about their thoughts and that it encourages her to recognize her own thoughts, I really appreciated hearing this. Something I wanted to hear so badly from N, but never did, probably because he was intimidated and it only made him afraid to share his thoughts.

“…(I am thinking) that he feels attracted to an emotional woman because he considers emotionality to be weak, and he feels strong (unemotional) in comparison. I am guessing that when you broke up with him in a cold hearted manner, he lost the attraction.”

I remember when he would tell me he liked that I was emotional, but his “compliment” didn’t feel genuine, and this makes sense because it was genuine but it wasn’t in the way that I desired. He didn’t admire it, he was attracted to it. I feel like he would alternate between two versions of himself, probably based on whether I was emotional or not.. He would be supportive if I was emotional, but when I was unemotional he would imply I was weak… Like when I had my stuff together, he seemed less affectionate and harsher, so to reward when I was in the emotional state he was attracted to, but also didn’t respect. So then he would never be attracted to me and respect me simultaneously?!

“- no, never heard of it (I don’t have a TV service).”

Do you find not having TV in your life brings you a lot of benefits? if so I am curious what, because it is something that I allow to take up alot of my time and have been recently cutting down..

Seaturtle