Dear Ocean:

I would like to help you answer all of the questions you brought up, but I don’t have enough information. Therefore, I am hoping that following a conversation between the two of us, I will be able to help you answer your questions. In this reply, I will bring up possibilities, and ask questions:

1) “He is very sensitive… I know I can easily tell him all of this instead of typing it here on this forum but I feel like he will take it the wrong way or get offended by what I am saying“- has your experience been that you are walking on eggshells when talking with him or planning to talk to him, that you have to be careful about the words you choose and what you say, so that he does not take what you say the wrong way and get offended?

There are people who are offensive and so, understandably people feel offended by them. But there are people who feel offended even when there is no real offense. Growing up with my mother, there was hardly anything that I could say that she wouldn’t take the wrong way and get offended by. Anything I said (or failed to say), she represented as if I was thinking something negative about her, and trying to hurt her feelings. Of course, I walked on eggshells, or on a minefield, so to speak, not knowing what bomb is going to explode next, under my feet. No matter how hard I tried, there was always the next time she felt offended and angrily let me know about it.

This, what I just shared, is an extreme example of what I am talking about, but is any of this true in regard to your boyfriend?

2) “I feel like our families are also a bit different. His family dynamic is much more different than mine“- when choosing a lifetime partner, it is very important to learn about his family dynamic, because he may continue the same dynamic in a marriage with you. Would you like to share about his family dynamic as opposed to yours?

3) “I feel like I’m always bringing up the serious conversations about our future together which in turn makes me feel like I’m forcing this connection“- do you mean that he shows a lack of interest in serous conversations about the future: that he is not interested in such conversations.. or in a future with you? Can you give me an example of such a conversation: (part of) what you said to him, and (part of) what he said back, or how he reacted?

4) “I feel like there’s no value in me being in this relationship. I can confidently say I am an added value for him, but I certainly don’t feel like any positives were added to my life…I also feel like I am not emotionally fulfilled in this relationship“- how are you an added value to him, in what ways? What kinds of positives/ emotional fulfillment could he add to your life if he acted differently from the way he does (examples)?

And now, my answers to your question without further information:

“I also have this constant doubt and fear that this is not meant for me. Am I supposed to be thinking and feeling these things while being in a healthy relationship?“- no, you are not supposed to have constant or any serious doubts about the relationship being right for you. Having constant, or very frequent doubts means that the relationship is not healthy. It takes two people who are confident about being in the relationship to make it a healthy relationship.

“Why am I constantly worried about the future of our relationship?“- (1) maybe because he is the wrong guy for you, for example, if he is interested in marriage but not in having serious, reasonable conversations about the future marriage, or if he takes so much of what you say the wrong way and feels offended when there is no such intent or real offense on your part, (2) maybe because you suffer from what is termed relationship anxiety (or relationship OCD), and therefore’ you’d be anxious about a relationship with any man, no matter how close to perfect he might be.

“Why is my mind and heart saying different things?“- maybe because your heart is telling you what it needs/ wishes your boyfriend to be, and your mind is telling you.. who he really is.

“How do I know if this is just made up anxiety and worries, and that I am in a good relationship?“- well, clearly, you are not in a good relationship because of the way you feel about it, the doubts, the confusion. Whether the anxiety and worries would be there no matter the guy (aka relationship anxiety/ OCD) is a question.

“How do I know if this is meant for me?“- this is meant for you only if you get to a place where you feel confident about being in the relationship.

“How will I know if it is time to let go?“- you will know if your mind and your heart are telling you the same thing, and not different things (as they are telling you now).

You ended your original post with saying that you have a lot of love for him. It takes a lot of courage to see a man you love (aka a man to whom you are emotionally attached), as he is, when what you see means that you should leave him. It’s difficult to leave someone you are emotionally attached to.

It also takes courage to see yourself as you are, for example, to see your own childhood as it truly was, and how it causes or adds (if it does) to your current anxiety.

I hope to read back from you and to help you dispel your confusion.

anita