Dear Ocean:

About your relationship anxiety: “I feel like a big part of my anxiety is stemming from this relationship“. There is a history to your relationship anxiety: “I was in a relationship in the past, many many years ago, and I was anxious having the same worries of ‘is he for me’ etc.”

Your current relationship anxiety started recently, at about the 1-year mark of the relationship: “I’ve been with my partner for a little over a year and lately I have been having so much worry and anxiety regarding our relationship…I felt confident and reassured when I started this relationship, it is only recently where I feel like I’m doubting“.

From what you shared, your relationship anxiety is not about who your boyfriend is, it’s not about you doubting him and his commitment to you (I am adding the boldface feature selectively here and in future quotes): “My partner is a great person to be around… He provides a safe and open safe for me to communicate… He is someone who has ambition, has the same moral values as I do and we both want the same things. That is where the initial attraction started, it felt really nice to finally meet someone who viewed life the same way as me and we both envision what our future would look like… His attitude has always been excited for the next chapter with me, and how he wants it just as badly as I do. We had gone into this with the same mindset that this was a serious relationship. He has never given me any doubt about not wanting a future with me“.

From what you shared, your relationship anxiety is about the two families not getting along, and about his family (his parents and siblings) rejecting you: “Often times I think about how my family and his family will mesh. One of my thoughts is that, will they get along?… I worry so much that our families might not get along. I worry so much that his family may not like me or accept me or my family. I worry if my family might not accept his family or him for that matter… I worry that I won’t be as close with his siblings. I grew up very close to my siblings and I love them dearly. My family is very close as well. I envision for my future to be similar, where I have a great relationship with my in-laws, where I am close with my husband’s siblings and I’m afraid they might not like me or interact with me.. I have not met them yet but I am very nervous… I am just worried his siblings might not like me or want their brother to be with me. They seem very different, their sibling dynamics is very different from mine… I am just worried they might not like me“.

Here is what I am thinking at this point, Ocean: you adjusted very well to your family of origin, to your parents and siblings with whom you grew up. If you think of a family picture as a jigsaw puzzle (JP), your individual piece in the JP has all the right sides, sockets and knobs, keys and locks, so to be as perfect a fit as possible to the other pieces.

As is, there is a good fit between your piece and your family JP, and therefore, there’s closeness with them. You are worried that the same piece that fit so well in your family JP, will not fit his family JP,  and therefore, it will be rejected.

“Our families have a lot in common – we have a similar upbringing, same culture and religion, our family dynamic is mostly similar, but one thing that is different is my family is very traditional and very cultural whereas his family is very modern, laid back, go with the flow type“-

– My feel is that adjusting to your culturally stricter and traditional family of origin required that your piece has defined and-not-to-be-compromised sides, sockets and knobs, etc., a tight fitting. Your boyfriend’s adjustment to his modern, culturally laid back, go-with-the-flow type family required a looser fitting.  So on his part, he is more likely to fit a different kind of family than his own. But because of your tight fitting to your family, it is, or would be difficult to fit a different type family from yours.

Because of the tight fittings required in your family JP, and the loose fittings in his, you worry that there will be a poor fit/ meshing between the two JPs: “it’s really the families meshing that I worry about a lot“.

“Often times my bluntness can come off as very harsh which in turn can hurt him…  I tend to get frustrated and upset and in turn, when I am expressing that, it comes out harshly…I’m someone that usually doesn’t go to others for advice unless I really need it“- maybe your adjustment to your family of origin, the fitting into the JP into which you were born, required that you would be independent and self sufficient, and not go to them for advice or help unless you really needed it. And maybe, that there is anger in you about this fitting requirement, a resentment perhaps for having to be too independent, an anger that expresses itself in the bluntness and harshness you mentioned here?

I would like to read your thoughts about what I brought up here, in this post.

anita