Dear Worldofthewaterwheels:

You are welcome. “I have parents who achieved a lot in their life“- not their lives, but their life, singular.

“They are very much a self contained unit, not needing any other person“- a self-contained unit that doesn’t have you in it.

“They are happier not being around me“- a self-contained unit that doesn’t want you in; keeping you out, exiled.

“I feel alone all the time. I feel totally rejected by society“- alone, rejected by your parents (a child’s first society)=> alone, rejected by society at large.

“My mom offers her advice but is very much a narcissist in that, she is able to play the expert when I am depressed“-  and in so doing, rewarding your depression.

“and when I have achieved something great.. she goes a bit quiet, pulls away and doesn’t look happy“- and in so doing, punishing you for achieving.

“My sibling also gets very jealous if I achieve something and she goes quiet if I need help“- your sibling also gets very jealous if you achieve, meaning your mother gets very jealous when you achieve.

“I live alone, eat alone, am mostly alone“- just as you were trained to do by your first society, that self-contained unit.

“People are also more attracted to someone who has it all together, clearly I don’t“- your mother, father and sister are 3 people who are not attracted to you when you achieve something toward having it all together. Instead, they are repelled, going a bit quiet, pulling away from you.

“I lose jobs, men and friends and I don’t have answers to why things happen. I’m not proactive, I don’t have plans or ideas of what to do“- no one is more of a people-pleaser than a young child when it comes to the motivation to please one’s parents, so to getting their approval, and to avoid their rejection and aggression (however small that aggression seems from an adult’s perspective).

By losing jobs, men and friends and having no plans or ideas of what to do, are you still trying to please your parents, that one self-contained unit?

“There is potential for me to feel better. I just kind of wish I could get more motivation to move, change and shake my life up.. instead of waiting for things to change. I don’t know why I have such apathy.“- is it that you are still waiting for that self-contained unit to open up for you and let you in (and give you their stamp of approval), and only when that happens, then you will be motivated to move, change, shake your life up and actualize your potential?

anita