Dear Anita,

Your comments made think deeply and understand this situation better.

Firstly again I want to thank you for letting me practice mindfullness in this forum. Writing down my thoughts and reading your comments helped me a lot.

What I realised is, this is also a thing I discovered about myself, is when you mentioned “toxic shame”. I knew some things about it I mean I had some ideas but after your mention I read about it more.

As i said in the first post “We had same pain during our growing up”. We had a same childhood trauma, I even was shocked how our parents are similar and the pain they gave us was the same. Like we grew up together in same family. I realized that this same trauma gave us same complexity: toxic shame. But I think I am more aware about myself than him because I had therapy before and I read more things about psychology, he had nothing to do in psychology, wasnt interested at all.

So I understood how toxic shame effected our relationship from his side thanks to your comments. But I also discovered from my side: All this time after break up I was blaming myself for everything non-stop, In my mind I was aware about the situation and why it happened like that, but my feelings, my heart deeply inside there was a voice that told me that i deserve this pain, I deserve that someone I loved the most left me like I deserved that my parents were leaving me when I was a child and didnt take care of me properly. I knew that its not logical, but there was just a feeling deep inside me. But after reading about this topic, I understood that this feelings comes because the toxic shame snd I really understood that I need to practice more self-compassion and stop blaming myself for everything. Yes, i made some mistakes but the most important is that I admitted and apologized for them. I am concious about myself, I try to understand things and this is a very precious point from my character, I am proud of myself that I have ability to analyze my situation and asking for help from everywhere, for knocking the doors, instead of drowning in negative thoughts.
Also, I understood from my point is that I liked when someone put me on pedestal. For that time (the idealization period) I didnt question that much about why did he idealize me, I was thinking that it was love, I wasnt aware that its unhealthy to idealize someone in the beggining of the relationship. I was feeling that there is something wrong but I couldnt analyze, I was just enjoying love-bombing, thinking that it was real love. So our childhood traumas gave us both this kinda “narcisstic” characteristics, we both liked flying in our fantasy, being something “upper”, “bigger”,  not living in the ground. But this is life and life is not easy, the reality hit me first with my job, and after the reality hit him also with his stresses in life. I could open my eyes and live in the ground accepting the reality and still loving him the most, but he couldnt handle all of this. His complexity was bigger than his love. I cant blame himself for that, he was growing up and working in toxic environment, he didnt have the chance or conciousness to work on himself psychologically, he is so used to toxic things that he doesnt know other things. With me it was different, I am more educated about mental health, i am more brave to change my job and place if i didnt like the environment . Wish he could work on this, wish i could help him with that, because as a person I can never say that he is bad. I feel sorry for him and for our relationship.
Also, I understood that you really need to work on relationship if you want to build something. Its a long journey where you need to know your partner and accept him and his complexities. That every person has their own struggles and you just need to accept it and move together. I begged him for this, but still he didnt even want to work on us. His emotions, his anger were so intense because of his complexity that he was ready to refuse me and my love. And I couldnt help with that.
So yes, I experienced so many emotions, learned things about relationships and discovered new things about myself, about my own complexities and character. I am young, Im still growing up and all this pain that I went through is normal, I am doing good and I appreciate myself for making lessons from my experience (cuz most of people they dont even try to understand)

Yes, as you said I need to grieve now. I just need time for grieving and to stop trigger myself and torture myself. I just need to focus on myself and mental health, what I am doing now.

Thank you so much Anita, it was pleasure talking to you, you really helped a lot. Is there a chance to know you more? I would like to hear your story too, about how you help people, because nowadays people dont even like to listen to you, but the way you gave your time and wrote down your comments are so precious. If you are okay with that, I would like to get to know you. But if you dont prefer, I will understand you

God bless you Anita🙏🏼🌺🌺