Dear Going Through Life:

You shared that you had a troubled home life growing up and that you were bullied in school and told that you were really ugly, and as a result, “I always felt ugly and insecure, I was not happy with myself“.

You got into a relationship with Sofi back in 2019, when you started college, and broke up during the Oct 2020 lockdown. SK, your childhood friend, broke up with her boyfriend at about the same time, and in November 2020, you got together with SK. Unlike the relationship with Sofi, with SK, for a few months,  it was “a very passionate and lovely relationship, from the start we were really close“.

Three months into the relationship, SK told you that “she wasn’t comfortable with sex“. That troubled you a whole lot, and you suffered “retrospective jealousy“, thinking about her having had sex with her previous boyfriend. In June 2022, you broke up with SK because of your retrospective jealousy and unhappiness with the relationship.

A few months later, you got into a FWB relationship with SK, and you “did this push and pull a lot with her“. In October 2023 after a year of FWB with SK, you met a girl and had a 2-month long-distance relationship with her. You then  tried to get back together with SK, but by that time, she was seeing someone new. She wants to stay friends with you, but you want another chance with her as a boyfriend sometime in the future

“The questions I had… 4. Any clarity regarding this relationship“- reading your story, I was thinking of the saying hurt people hurt people. it would have been very nice if hurt people coming together would help each other instead of hurting each other. But more often than not, this is not the case because hurt people are also scared people, scared of getting hurt yet again. Scared, we take things too personally, seeing offense where there is, and where there isn’t, getting angry and withdrawing,  then getting desperate and approaching… over and over again.

“I love her but I’m scared to be with her”- scared to be with her, scared of the object of your love.

“I wanted to fall in love with her, but something kept stopping me”- that something is fear. And anger, as the two are closely linked: first we are scared, next, we are angry. The anger is about protecting us from what we are afraid of.

I assume that SK experiences the same thing: a combo of love and fear.

“1. What should I do about the situation? 2. Should I keep in touch with her?“- I wouldn’t keep in touch with her because of your jealousy and attachment to her, given the fact that she is in a relationship with another man

“3. How should I move on?“- back to the quote in my first paragraph of this reply: “I always felt ugly and insecure, I was not happy with myself“- time to get comfortable within your own skin, time to be okay with.. you. Time to see your own beauty. I see your beauty in the very way you started your original post: “Hi, I hope whoever is reading this post is doing well…. This would be a long one, thank you for your patience. And thank you to all the forum participants reading this in advance“.

“SK is really beautiful and I dreamt to get with her and we did….I still really care about her and I love her but I’m scared to be with her but I really do want to be with her in the end. I thought I would end up marrying her“- can you tell me more about what made her so special to you, about her beauty?

And about your beauty within the relationship with her?

anita