Dear Alina:

“We had a same childhood trauma, I even was shocked how our parents are similar and the pain they gave us was the same. Like we grew up together in same family. I realized that this same trauma gave us same complexity: toxic shame. But I think I am more aware about myself than him because I had therapy before and I read more things about psychology, he had nothing to do in psychology, wasn’t interested at all. So, I understood how toxic shame affected our relationship from his side thanks to your comments. But I also discovered from my side: All this time after break up I was blaming myself for everything non-stop, In my mind I was aware about the situation and why it happened like that, but my feelings, my heart deeply inside there was a voice that told me that I deserve this pain, I deserve that someone I loved the most left me like I deserved that my parents were leaving me when I was a child and didn’t take care of me properly. I knew that it’s not logical, but there was just a feeling deep inside me. But after reading about this topic, I understood that this feelings comes because the toxic shame and I really understood that I need to practice more self-compassion and stop blaming myself for everything. Yes, I made some mistakes but the most important is that I admitted and apologized for them. I am conscious about myself, I try to understand things and this is a very precious point from my character, I am proud of myself that I have ability to analyze my situation and asking for help from everywhere, for knocking the doors, instead of drowning in negative thoughts”-

– what you wrote here is so meaningful, so insightful and intelligent that I copied it all. Wow!

“Also, I understood from my point is that I liked when someone put me on pedestal. For that time (the idealization period) I didn’t question that much about why did he idealize me, I was thinking that it was love, I wasn’t aware that its unhealthy to idealize someone in the beginning of the relationship. I was feeling that there is something wrong but I couldn’t analyze, I was just enjoying love-bombing, thinking that it was real love. So our childhood traumas gave us both this kinda ‘narcissistic” characteristics, we both liked flying in our fantasy, being something ‘upper’, ‘bigger’,  not living in the ground”-

– I can’t say anything better than how you said it (So, I am just copying, hoping that people read it and learn from what you expressed so well).

“With me it was different, I am more educated about mental health, I am more brave to change my job and place if I didn’t like the environment… I begged him for this, but still he didn’t even want to work on us. His emotions, his anger were so intense because of his complexity that he was ready to refuse me and my love. And I couldn’t help with that. So yes, I experienced so many emotions, learned things about relationships and discovered new things about myself, about my own complexities and character. I am young, I’m still growing up and all this pain that I went through is normal, I am doing good and I appreciate myself for making lessons from my experience (cuz most of people they don’t even try to understand)”-

– You are amazing, Alina!

“Yes, as you said I need to grieve now. I just need time for grieving and to stop trigger myself and torture myself. I just need to focus on myself and mental health, what I am doing now.“- yes, please do this. You do not deserve to suffer from toxic shame. The relationship didn’t and couldn’t work out because, like you stated and expressed here so well, you are educated about and interested in psychology and mental health, and he s not. You are brave enough to look into yourself and see what you referred to as your complexities.. and he does not have this unique kind of bravery.

“I would like to know more about you, like how old are you, what is your profession, where do you live? Also, what bring you to this forum, how did you decide to help people here? Do you have any writing works, if yes, where can I found them?… Also I would like to know about your values in life”-

– Like you, I am interested in psychology and mental health and have been interested since I was a teenager. I had my first quality psychotherapy in 2011-13 in a big city in the U.S., , and then moved to a rural area in a  different U.S. state. Here, I discovered tiny buddha forums in 2015, and its unique format has allowed me to continue to work on my mental health without attending professional therapy. It helps me to read other people’s stories, people from all over the world, and respond to them. I try to help others and myself at the same time. I have a bachelor degree but haven’t worked (for money) ever since I moved to this rural area.

I suffered from attention deficit disorder since a very early age. I am inattentive to details, I can’t remember, for example, the colors of the walls in the room where I sleep every night in the last 10 years. I can’t follow a lecture if it is not delivered in a very organized way with breaks that allow me to take notes. Nor can I follow the plot of a detective movie for example. I’d have to pause the movie and take notes if I want to follow the plot. I often get lost in real-life conversations. And although I love writing, I can’t write a short story, not to mention a novel.

And so, the only place I write is here, in these forums: it helps me to write when I respond to the original poster’s lines, line by line. It helps me to process the information here because I have all the time in the world to type, retype, read, re-read and edit. As far as my values: I value mental/ emotional health the most because I found out that the healthier I am, the better person I am to myself and to others. I value helping myself and others in the process of becoming better and better at no longer harming each other, but at helping each other.

anita