Dear Jim:

I just lost my reply to you that took me a couple of hours to put together, in the usual way I reply: quoting from you, responding, then reading what’s next, quoting and responding, etc. Since I already read and studied all of your original post, I will respond differently, and my reply will be shorter:

Most of the interpersonal abuse in our world is not carried out cold-heatedly, in a cool, planned, rational way. It is carried out in the heat of the moment, while the abuser is distressed.

(I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes): “She feels insecure in my opinion of her physically and emotionally and fears rejections SO much that it frequently (on average every 2 or 3 weeks) leads to an event where she simply cannot control her fear of being left or abandoned for one reason or another and this results in long bouts of crying, screaming and abuse towards me. She calls it ‘blind anger’, says it rarely happened before me… I’m a very placid and nonconfrontational person, patient and gentle“-

– Seems to me that these are abusive events where she could control her fear but chooses not to, because her abuse is about controlling you so that you don’t leave her. She chooses to express her (not so blind) anger with you because you are placid and non-confrontational, patient and gentle.. so you are safe for her to.. explode.

“and she always feels regretful and remorseful afterwards“- in line with the pattern of abuse.

“Our therapist has identified that the strength of our relationship and how right I am for her has probably opened up deep trauma for her”– I think that your therapist is wrong, and that it is not the strength of the relationship that opened up her deep trauma. I think that it is the fact that you accept her abuse non-confrontationally that is giving her the opportunity to express herself in these ways,  feeling safe enough- with you- to do so.

“Our therapist has also explained to me how the void created during these moments of abandonment can be total, all consuming and utterly petrifying- the person ultimately does not exist in these moments- it’s far worse than anxiety, it’s something else entirely- something most of us could never really relate to“- reads like the therapist is suggesting that she is not in control of her behavior during those events of “blind anger”, as if these are psychotic episodes in which she is not aware at all of what is happening.

Are these events happen only in private, not in public… or does she explode regardless of who might be witnessing her explosions? I am guessing it’s the former.

“I recently responded, smashed my phone and upturned a table- the most outwardly frustrated I have become about anything, maybe in my whole life. I would never under any circumstances be violent towards her or anyone though. The way these events unfold is that her anxiety begins to pick and pick away at me and not let me go, demanding answers to unanswerable questions to try and pacify herself, even though that is unachievable. I try to keep calm but I am often goaded into saying things I don’t mean, which are then fuel to the fire”-

– it is she who is picking and picking away at you and not letting you go, it is she who is demanding answers to unanswerable questions, etc., it is she who is abusing you, and you reacted out of your character because of her abuse.

“How do you love someone who is (I’m sorry to say it, but she uses the term herself frequently) so broken, and protect and allow yourself to flourish?…Almost every day there is something low level upsetting, if not major. Yesterday she told me all the intrusive thoughts came back because I didn’t return my arm around her when sleeping and she felt unloved…. Every time we have a major incident I feel weak and want to end things… I wonder whether the next time will be the time that I break“- her abuse is weakening and breaking you. You live as if on a minefield, never knowing what word that you say or fail to say, what act, however innocent, will bring about her explosion.

“She has told me she feels worthless at times and wants to end her life. A couple of times she has threatened to harm herself if I walk out of the door“- threatening self-harm and suicide is a manipulative tactic practiced (in the heat of the moment) so to prevent you from leaving her.

“I have horrible positive feelings sometimes about the relief I would get from it coming to an end. If I knew she would be okay, even in the relatively short term, I think I would end things“- her manipulative tactics have been successful so far. And I am thinking, she has no motivation to be okay because.. if she’d be okay, she’d lose her control over you, and you’d leave her.

“Today we went to look at a house with a view to move in together because her lease ends in March. It’s a big step obviously. I feel so unsure of what we both might be getting into“- you’d be deeper in a trap.

“I need hope that things will get better, but I don’t know if I feel it or it’s possible. I try to encourage her to think positively but even that seems something she can’t commit to”- for the relationship to work out, she will have to acknowledge that she has been abusing you, she will have to commit to never abuse you again, no matter how she feels. She’ll have to practice emotion regulation skills better, every day and protect (not abuse) you and the relationship.

anita