Dear Tera:

“I feel as if I have so many inner feelings and secrets that no one I know completely understands… emotions I have hidden deep within my mind and emotions that I have never spoken aloud. I don’t think that anyone in my life truly understands me, am I the only one who feels this way?“- I used to feel this way for many, many years. Looking back, I understand now that the way it came about was that I grew up (I prefer to say grew-in) with a very loud, very self-centered, dominating mother for whom I did not exist as a human being with any measure of autonomy (to think my own thoughts if they are not identical to hers, to feel my own feelings, to make my own choices, to initiate anything). She showered me and dressed me till I was a teenager. I felt very ashamed to be seen naked by her and tried to hide… but in her mind, I did not exist but as a thing that needed to be cleaned and dressed, and my shame was at most an irritant to her, making her job (washing me) more difficult.

In her relationship with me, SHE existed and I didn’t. There was only her, no me. Also, she isolated me from other people, and so, I .. grew-in: I did not grow out/ develop/ thrive.  I was alone and lonely, troubled with shame and guilt, unable to get help or help myself, overthinking a lot, anxious, helpless.

I have a very unique memory as an older child, maybe I was a teenager, during a visit to my mother’s brother’s house, he looked at me with what seemed like an honest, affectionate curiosity and asked me a question. I don’t remember the question but it was about what I thought or felt about this or that. I was intrigued beyond words, as it never happened before that I was asked about what I think or what I feel, I felt an excitement, as in, is it really possible that someone wants to know.. me?

I couldn’t answer him, although I wanted to, because my mother was sitting there and seemed angry, not wanting me to answer. I was not allowed to be an autonomous person with my own thoughts and feelings, likes and dislikes, etc., unless she approved. I was quiet a lot. Decades later, as an adult (till a year ago), I’ve been told repeatedly by people that I am quiet.

“I don’t have many friends. Maybe a few that I could call friends, not acquaintances (though I do have many of those for some reason). I have never been able to keep friends for a long time, and I know it may sound ignorant and narcissistic for me to say that this is by no fault of my own, but I really do feel this way“- I didn’t have friends growing-in because if a friend from school visited me, my mother took over that friend as her own and engaged in a conversation with her while I was a (quiet) 3rd party to the interaction. And then, my mother told me negative things about everyone, children and adults (outside their presence, of course, gossiping), how I shouldn’t trust them, and so, I was indeed very alone and very lonely.

“I am 23 years old, (Female) my high school friends have all moved on or moved away, I didn’t go to college in person, but the friends I made in that time are no longer around either, whether that be due to them doing things that upset/hurt me, or simply me just pulling away because of the ‘not being understood’ feeling“- I wasn’t understood when I was your age, nor did I understand myself. Or I should say, more accurately, I misunderstood myself. I was quite sure that there was something very wrong with me.. and indeed there was, but not because I was born Wrong, but because I was made wrong, meaning, I was treated in such ways that mental health was NOT possible for me, and anyone, any child growing in with such treatment would have become mentally unwell, as unwell as I was.

With people, potential friends, I was clueless, I didn’t know HOW to interact, how to ask, how to answer, what’re the rules of engagement, other than that which my mother demanded of me: submission, suppression (and getting angry inside).

“The friends I have now think they know me, and I am self aware enough to say that yes, in most ways they do. Yet, I still always have this underlying feeling that there isn’t a deeper understanding“- there isn’t a deeper understanding of you.. by you?

“I’ve been in a notable amount of failed relationships, some serious and some not, which I have ended up ending all of them. In short, I have never been broken up with. At the end of these relationships I always find myself feeling guilty, like there is something wrong with me, this is a pattern I tend to repeat. I feel this way, but then down the line, I realize that maybe there was nothing to feel guilty about. That these failed relationships were either not fulfilling, abusive, etc.“- I know guilt so heavy that I was exhausted almost all the time. My pattern with people was submission leading to rebellion and ending contact. Over and over again. I didn’t know HOW- and still to this day, I have trouble with asserting myself. With my mother I only knew submission and quiet anger on my part, and aggression and loud anger on her part. I had no experience with assertion.

“I don’t go very long before I get into a new relationship, it’s not that I’m unable to be alone, but more of maybe I feel like I’m searching for someone who finally understands me. I am currently in a relationship now, but I am starting to get that ‘it’s not enough’ feeling again. Once again, I feel guilty, am I the problem? I can’t help but try and search for the problem inside myself. Am I the only one who goes though this?“- no, you are not the only one, that’s for sure. I didn’t understand myself, no wonder others didn’t either: how could they understand what I didn’t?

And if they understood and told me what they understood, and it felt bad hearing it, I imagine that I’d get angry with them and reject their understanding. I bet that happened to me but I didn’t know it at the time.

“Career wise, I am unfulfilled. I was a good student in high school, 4.0 GPA, Honors, acceptance into all the colleges I applied for, in many music related extracurriculars, the whole works. I took a year at Uni, failed, and started attending community college. Since then, I have been through a few different majors, but none ever committing to fully enough to see through. I have now been taking college courses for around 5 years, though I did take a break somewhere in there. I don’t see myself at any job really“- I relate to this part as well. It’s the LACK of something inside that leads to interpersonal, academic and occupational indecisiveness and instability, the not knowing.

“I am a good worker at the part-time jobs I have worked at, a great worker I could say even. I’m reliable, willing to work full hours, resilient, personable, so there isn’t a lack of self-confidence in that regard. I feel stuck. I have settled on a Paralegal Certification, as it’s much less of a degree and more of a straightforward program. Am I interested in this job? Yes. Do I feel connected or excited by it? No. I want a stable lifestyle, it’s the only reason I’ve committed to it. Living with my parents at 23 is not okay with me anymore, but at the same time I dread the monotony of a career. It depresses me to think about to be quite honest“- maybe you are so good at the part-time jobs because they are part-time. It’s the full-time jobs and long-term commitments that scare you? This has been true to me: anything “permanent” made me feel stuck, claustrophobic, scared.. just as I felt full-time/ long-term with my mother, stuck and miserable.

Interesting: you are living with your parents at 23; I lived with my mother at 23 as well.

“I have extreme anxiety. This started when I was about 19-20. I think about times before the panic attacks and anxiety started with such nostalgia, I was so full of life, willing to do anything. Take reasonable risks, go to new places, do new things, meet new people. Now I can’t even go into a crowded room without making myself feel like I’m going to pass out“- my guess is that your excessive anxiety started way before you turned 19 or 20, but it escalated and expanded in its expressions at 19 or 20. I don’t think that extreme anxiety appears in one’s life out of nowhere at 19 or 20 (you didn’t mention a traumatic event at that age), following 19 good years of growing up.

You mentioned nostalgia: nostalgia is about looking back in time and remembering the positive, forgetting the negative.

“I know what you’re going to say, I have been in therapy, it helps, but only to a certain extent. I crave being the person I used to be, I don’t know where it went wrong. Maybe somewhere in the middle of abusive relationships and unsupervised drug use. That phase has passed me by, but I want the person I used to be back. I can’t enjoy the things I used to, I’m on meds, they help only so much“- if I was in therapy while living with my mother, therapy wouldn’t have helped me, not unless it caused me to leave her. I wonder if something like this is true to you too.

Again, I am guessing that your troubles pre-dated your abusive relationships with boyfriends and your drug use. It was true in my case, that I started adulthood with so much trouble within me, that trouble escalated when I was 18 or so. I think of it, the pre-18 trouble, like mud on top of a hill; and the trouble post 18, as that mud rolling down the hill, gathering more and more mud in its way, growing bigger and bigger.

“I guess what I’m trying to relay is that I don’t know where I’m going wrong. I recognize patterns in myself but I am unable to fix them or make myself feel better. There is some kind of longing in me for something more, only I don’t know what that something is. At this point, I’m insatiable. No relationship is good enough. No job is good enough. No career path is good enough. No friends are good enough. I don’t know what is missing. I’m not lost in life, I have direction, but I don’t know what direction I’m going. If that makes sense“- the longing for something more, maybe it is the longing to know and understand yourself better. Life cannot possibly be good enough when you don’t understand what you need to understand. A cognitive– emotional understanding of oneself is necessary for one’s mental health.

It is interesting that you say that you are not lost in life, that you have a direction, but you don’t know what direction you’re going. Maybe you are referring to your occupational direction, the paralegal direction. You wrote about it: “Am I interested in this job? Yes. Do I feel connected or excited by it? No.” Cognitively, you are interested in it; emotionally, you are not interested in it. Maybe what you mean by having a direction in life is that cognitively/ rationally- you have a direction, but emotionally, you do not…?

“I guess writing here is my way of feeling less alone, though will it be good enough to cure that feeling? Probably not. I’m floating, I’m not depressed, I can laugh and feel happy and have good days, but it always comes back to this feeling. Am I the problem? and what even is the problem?“- maybe the problem is lack of connection between the rational and the emotional. To feel grounded in life, knowing what it is that you truly want, you have to have an emotional understanding of yourself. Maybe you are dissociated from your emotional self, like I have been for so long, (maybe less severely than I was).

“If you would like to get a clearer picture of past, you can go back and read my previous posts, I’ve been posting on here for a few years now. Thanks for reading, Tera“- You are welcome, Tera. I would like to read your previous threads and our past communication there, but following a few minutes of internet and starting this reply, I lost internet (and electricity) and can’t open new windows with your previous threads. I hope to not lose this reply before sending it.

It is now 2:48 pm here and the electricity/ internet is back!

anita