Dear Maria:

You are very welcome, and thank you for your appreciation!

A little nostalgic travel back in time: your first post was on June 21, 2016: “I am 26 years old living with my parents (they need my support + it would be culturally inappropriate for me to live alone in my country)“, and I answered you on the same day. It was summer the day you first posted, and you chose shade in the summer (no spaces) as your screen name. I am guessing that like everyone, you like a cover from the hot sun during a hot summer.

The title of your first thread from which I quoted above was “Constant target for anger“, and you shared that following a long time in which your mother and yourself were targets for your father’s anger and supporting each other, she (your mother) targeted her anger at you. Thinking of anger like a hot sun.. one would need to find shade.

You wrote on July 1, 2016: “There is a conflict between what I have been raised to be believe is the ‘right thing’ as a ‘good daughter’ and what is necessary for my own happiness which is acting as a road block right now“.

On July 14, 2016, you chose green shade as your screen name, and this is still your screen name 7.5 years later. Green is the color of life growing, and indeed you have grown since, like you stated today, Feb 16, 2024: “for many years now, I have tried to keep my alignment with my needs as the compass (leaving for masters to a different country, leaving jobs that were toxic, moving out of my parents, living alone for my mental health needs… prioritizing people who fill my cup emotionally“- C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S    for all your growth, for making green shade green!

Here is an example of your growth: on Feb 2, 2017 (7 years and two weeks ago), you wrote: “Something I keep coming back to in therapy is that I don’t have boundaries. But boundaries are such an abstract concept for me – I don’t know what they look like or feel like so how do I begin to set them ?” Fast forward seven years, and you mentioned today having repeatedly set boundaries  (“setting boundaries again and again“).

On Feb 20, 2018 (four days to 6 years ago), you shared in a thread you titled Abandoned again and again: “I’m trying to open up and be present in my relationships with friends and therapist. However, routine cancellation of plans and sessions is starting to take its toll on me… I see these people as inconsistent and not worth relying on, like most other people“. Fast forward almost 6 years, you shared today, paraphrased, that you are not leaving your country so to work abroad, travel and explore because you find consistency, reliability, belonging and continuity with your mother and family: “she takes care of me in her own way and I have started being able to receive and value that. When things were rough this last year – I didn’t feel able to go to anyone but her, all of my friends had their own lives and priorities and feel like the ‘other’, while parents and family feel like ‘belonging’… I think I’m very strongly also feeling the need for continuity with the people in my life…  familiarity feels like the only thing that brings comfort right now“.

Going back to the original post on this thread, 15 days ago, on Feb 1, 2024, you wrote: “When I think of things that bring me peace -> nature, trees, quietness, solitude“- you didn’t list family (or any person) in what brings you peace.. but I guess you forgot to mention that being physically close to your mother, father, family..  gives you a measure of peace when compared to the idea of moving away from them.

“Loss feels like a shock to my system right now and I feel very small as I write this, and very much needing comfort and maybe even something or someone to anchor onto externally“- like the song says, we are “people who need people”, always has been that way. I understand your reasons and emotional motivations to stay close to your family and country. I hope that you will find more and more peace in the resolution of the conflict you mentioned back on July 1, 2016 (quote above): being a good daughter and.. keeping the green strong and thriving in green shade.

anita