Dear Anita,

It’s so good to hear from you! I’ve been wondering how you’ve been lately! I hope all is good with you 🙂

Thank you for reading through both my new and older post. Indeed it looks quite obvious doesn’t it? I think I knew it deep down, just didn’t quite accept it. I find it hard still, to accept that my parents caused me such pain. I do accept it, don’t get me wrong. Of course, I know most of the times they just didn’t know how to handle being a parent. I’ve read Gabor Mate’s books, especially The Myth of Normal and Scattered Minds have opened my eyes to many things. Gabor’s work resonates with me deeply. I can’t recommend his books enough! But I’m sure many of you are familiar with his work.

Scattered Minds, a book about ADD/ADHD – really resonated with me. Many of the causes of ADD mentioned in the book are almost a copy of my childhood memories. I almost feel entitled to some copyright. Not sure I have it though. ADD I mean. The therapist I’ve been seeing recently said I don’t and she thinks I’m dealing with some ”performance anxiety”. She said that if I’ve had ADD I couldn’t hold on to a job and I would do only the things I like, the way I like them. I feel a little puzzled here. She’s right, I’ve been teaching english for about 6 months in Spain. I was both teaching and doing some janitor work in a language school. Although it was very, very difficult at times, I did it. I would feel anxious before my classes and very good after. I would almost always try to convince myself to do it. Then the pandemic started with a lockdown and all was shut down. It felt like a necessary breath of fresh air. I felt good not having to do anything.

Then came the next job, which I’ve had for 3 years and was almost ”tailored” for my needs. So grateful I am for that job. ( maybe if it wasn’t for that job, I would’ve never found the time to do the inner work. I much needed that ) After working for a while I was finally able to be financially independent as my salary got better and better. Before, while I was unemployed fully supported me financially and while I was working for the language school, they paid my rent. Finally in the summer of 2022 I was finally financially independent from my parents. I was living in Poland with my girlfriend and I was making better money now.  She did ”bust my balls” a little and pushed me towards refusing to receive financial support from my parents, but that really changed things. I finally felt more responsible, less tied to them. I also felt my relationship with my parents has improved then. I’ve always felt them sending me money came with a price. My freedom was part of that price. As they controlled all of my actions when I was a kid, that same setup carried on into my adulthood. I was on a leash – so to speak. I’ve been living in a comfortable discomfort for a very long time. I got used to it. Up until the age of 29 I was basically fully and later partially supported by my parents. I have to admit, although comfortable, there was a lot of frustration in me because of that. I wanted my independence, I felt caged still – the cage has changed but still a cage.

So, of course.. finally being financially independent changed things a little. I felt more confident, I felt slightly more recognition ( as an adult ) from my parents and indeed our relationship has improved. I was less controlled by them. After a year and a half of financial independence, the project comes to an end. I knew it for a while already but I’ve been told they will assign different tasks for me after this project ends. That didn’t happen. Lesson learned – I should’ve started working on finding something else.. I really didn’t want to fall back on my parent’s support. There’s a list of lessons I’ve learned this year – a list I wrote on the last year of 2023. This, is one of them. ” Wishful thinking, when not accompanied by action leads to nothing ”.

I have to admit. If it wasn’t for my girlfriend, it would’ve taken me longer to see the red flags. We’ve been together for 2 years and a half now and during these years we’ve visited my parents about 5..6 times together. On all occasions we spent there in between 1 and 3 weeks. She comes from a very different childhood experience. In many ways an exact opposite of mine. She received the space, the attention and the freedom she wanted. She came from, what I would describe –  a healthy upbringing. It was so easy for her to spot the obvious. She pointed to me many situations where I was being manipulated by my parents. Many times I wouldn’t realise that was happening although my gut feeling would say otherwise. But now, I had a better connection to my gut feelings thanks to my newly discovered Gabor Mate – so I started to wake up. I started to become aware of the s*** that has been thrown my way for years. The lack of support, attention and the very often patronising way my parents view both me and my partner.

Herself, being a little older than me, very present, rooted and aware, coming from a healthier background – saw it all. The ”map” I’ve already had. I’ve been drawing it for years. Without the observations from someone from the ”outside”, I would’ve been blinded still. Blinded by supple but effective manipulations my parents would pull. It took both of us a while to put it all together. I am very grateful for this woman. She’s very kind and understanding. Beautiful and loving. What a lucky guy I am 🙂 Although I try not to combine my romantic relationship with the relationship I have with my parents this subject has been very present in our life as a couple.

My source of income dried out in November. I still then hoped they would assign something new for me but they didn’t. I then realised I would have to again, for a while rely on my parents for financial support. During the period when I was fully independent, every time we talked on the phone they would offer to help me financially If I needed it. They would even insist. I always said no. I thanked them and told them if I found myself in need, I will let them know. Well, those times have come and I remember asking for their help. It wasn’t easy. I felt ashamed and uncomfortable. I was finally feeling more like an adult – I didn’t want to go back to being a kid and I surely didn’t miss having a cage over my f****** head. But I thought, we all grew a little recently. We have a better relationship now, I’ve been independent – I had a job, I’m in a stable loving relationship. Things surely had changed also in the way they view me. I was again, wrong. The moment I received money from them the cage fell down again. I felt it right away. I was again, on a leash.

It’s Christmas! We both needed a break from the stressful months we’ve had recently. I’m unemployed and unsure of my future again. We went to spend a couple of weeks with my parents. I needed to be ”home” for a while. I needed to disconnect from things a little. Spend some time in nature, do some sports outdoors. Spend some quality time together and also get some emotional support from my family. Also I’ve been thinking about doing a course and I wanted to ask my parents for their financial support in order for me to become a Personal Trainer. This has been on my mind for a while and feels like a job I would like doing. At first, my mother was thrilled – ” oh, finally! you’re doing something! we were worried about you. why didn’t you tell us earlier? I give you the money right now if you want! ”.  That felt good! It felt like a welcoming hug. It felt like healthy support from my family. I thought to myself – Okay man, you got this. Something new and bright is coming. A next step towards adulthood and finally doing something I like.  All is good 🙂

It wasn’t.

It took us a few days to see the signs already. Both of us felt constantly observed and controlled. It felt like we were supposed to dance to the rhythm my parents dictated. Otherwise we would be judged. Very often it felt to me like I couldn’t be my own person. If I tried to be my own person, to be myself in any personal way – I would be patronised. Like a little kid who doesn’t know much. Towards the end of our stay, I’ve had enough. My mother was already acting very standoffish because she thought we didn’t spend enough quality time together as a family – the 4 of us. She cornered me and started a fight – told me I didn’t care about them and I only cared about myself. I’ve had enough! I told her, that the way she’s been treating me when I was a kid hurts me still. I reminded her how she used to hit me and I told her that it still hurts me and it was a wrong thing to do. I didn’t raise my voice. I was still cautious, not to rock the boat too much. But I’m glad I didn’t snap. I often feel like I want to crack their heads open for the way they treated me. She rejected it completely. At first, she said she didn’t hit me and I’m talking nonsense. Also, she said to me – ” You’re living in 3 days. From that point, you’re on your own ”.  She didn’t talk to us for the next days. Before living, we said goodbye and cried. Still, she wouldn’t own it. She kept telling me that I was a handful and It was very difficult for them to raise me. Indeed, I agree. I was a handful. I must’ve had my own reasons to be such a ”troubled” kid. Reasons a healthy adult should’ve seen. They didn’t.

We said goodbye and went back to Poland on the 5th of January this year. Since, I’ve been looking for work both here and in Spain, where I’d like to return soon. I haven’t yet found anything but I keep looking. Also, in the last 2 months I’ve only talked to my parents a few times. My father has been sending me very little money to survive – I’m on a drip so to speak. I have no other source of income now, and I feel terrible being supported still by them. I really hoped I could mend things with my parents, I hoped to make things work better. But maybe it’s not for me to fix anything. Maybe it’s time for me to take good care of myself. I called my mother 10 days after we left. I was hoping she’d by then cleansed a little and we could actually have a normal conversation. I ended up listening to a 40 minutes monologue – her telling me how bad many things I’ve done as a kid and that I deserved to be hit. And she was joking when she told me I’d be placed into foster care. Since, we’ve talked very little and I’ve been told she’s been very down and acting crazy lately. Maybe she feels guilty.

What a mess.. I can almost hear you say :))

Here I am now. Soon all this will look much better, I’ll move on for good. I am right now, gradually but surely stepping out of these toxic bonds. It took me a very long time to get even where I am now and I know it might still take a while. After all, all is good. I have the awareness I need to step out of it. I workout and meditate every day and my vision is clarifying more and more.

Thank you so much for reading this and for all the support throughout the years. It all means so much to me!  I hope some will relate to my story and maybe find either hope or a way to simplify their own process of growth / healing. Sending you all much love!

Take good care!

Robbie