Dear James:

Welcome back to the forums!

You shared about your father back on Jan 10, 2018 (six years ago!): “My drug addicted father took my brother and I away from my sister and mother at the age of 4 years old. I didn’t see my mother and sister again until I was 8… I was told that my mother was the devil… When my family reunited, I.. was terrified of her.. Within a year of my mother reuniting, my dad completely fell off the wagon, and his addiction blown.. My childhood was filled with stress over my dad.. I’d worry sick about him dying. I’d sleep by the front door so I’d know the moment he was home. I was always happy to see him. I was never mad at him, I just acted like everything was perfect now that he was home”.

About yourself, you shared: “In adulthood, I realized I had major separation anxiety. If my partner and I would fight, and they’d leave, it felt like the world was ending… I myself have a temper… (I) react very poorly at times.. that always leaves me feeling very guilty…  I’m not very good at.. listening”.

About your partner at the time, you shared: “I’ve been in a very challenging relationship for the past 5 years with a man 15 years older than me. After much research, I believe my boyfriend has borderline personality disorder… My boyfriend and I moved in almost right away and we were inseparable. I was passionately in love with him and he was my entire world…. He.. can speak in a very aggressive way and he often makes me feel like a child… I’m just confused if I should continue or just give up….I love him very much and he does add value to my life. All my friends and family tell me to leave him, that I can do much better and that people never change. I don’t believe that.. people do change if they really want to, but how many chances should one give?”

4.5 years later, on July 20, 2022, you posted an update on the relationship above: “I got out of this relationship and it was and still is the best decision I have ever made. Things are so much clearer when you are outside of a situation… I love the fact that no one send ‘leave him’ because that really never works! Lol we don’t leave, not until we are ready to.”

1.5 year later, you posted again on this new thread: ” I always believed in him and hoped he’d get clean. As an adult I’ve struggled with severe abandonment issues and realized the damage that was caused from my childhood. I never threw it in his face and have always been respectful… I had a very hard conversation with him 1 month ago. I told him that I was scared he was going to die and that I couldn’t be around to watch it happen. I told him he has a whole family that loves him and I will do anything necessary for him to get treatment. I told him that he’s lied and manipulated too long. He denied using drugs and said he was sorry I was struggling. I told him I could not have a relationship with him. I mourned him. I cried harder and longer than I have in my life. After about a week I felt a lot of peace. Fast forward to today, he called me and told me he went into a 7 day detox center. My brother and I spoke earlier and the stories didn’t match up, so I told him I didn’t believe him. The conversation ended up blowing up. I yelled and he asked who I was“-

-Based on all that I read and quoted above, I am sure that I can answer his question (which I boldfaced) and wish that he didn’t need to ask it, that he too knew for sure who you are, and who you’ve been your whole life: you have always been the girl who loves her father more than anyone and anything. You did everything within your power to help him from the beginning of your life… that’s four decades of pure and unconditional love.

But a child’s love is too often dismissed by a parent, being not enough to be happy with, not  enough to find comfort in and rest in. Not enough to motivate the parent to change for his child’s sake, and his own. So, he, your father, kept seeking comfort in drugs, and in other people, while hurting and harming the one who loved him purely and unconditionally.

“I told him to not contact me. He hung up on me. I’ve never in life yelled or cussed at my dad. I’m angry. I’m sick of being lied to, but I’m disappointed that I lost control in that moment…I can’t accept the lies and manipulation. I feel lost and questioning if I’m wrong for blowing up.”-

– congratulations for finally yelling at the man who betrayed your love, and for so long; congratulations for finally blowing up at the man who deserves it, the man who hurt you more than any man, and probably more than any person has hurt you directly.

Back to your update of July 20, 2022, on the romantic relationship at the time: “I got out of this relationship and it was and still is the best decision I have ever made. Things are so much clearer when you are outside of a situation… I love the fact that no one send ‘leave him’ because that really never works! Lol we don’t leave, not until we are ready to.“-

– I will not tell you to leave or remain in no contact with your father, but I hope that you are ready to no longer have him in your life, and that no contact will soon lead to things being so much clearer in your mind and heart.

Back to what you wrote on Jan 11, 2018, in regard to your romantic relationship at the time:  ” I’m just confused if I should continue or just give up….I love him very much and he does add value to my life. All my friends and family tell me to leave him, that I can do much better and that people never change. I don’t believe that.. people do change if they really want to, but how many chances should one give?“-

– transferring this to your relationship with your father, I think that the value this man (your father) had in your life as a child was the HOPE for love and stability in your then turbulent, scary life. It was a precious hope that made it possible for you to survive and thrive (as much as you did thrive) as a child. Now, at 41, it’s time to give up on that hope.

Separate who your father is and has been from whom you desperately needed him to be. People often don’t change even if, from time to time, they want to change.

There is no more positive value to the hope that he will change and give you what you needed as a child because you are no longer a child, a child whose very survival (so the child feels/ believes, instinctually) depends on her parents being alive and well enough to take care of their dependent child.

May your hope be elsewhere, a new hope.

anita