Dear Seaturtle:

“I am just wondering what this information that you re-processed about me and how that changes your analysis of me, I want to see myself through your eyes. You amended answer, that me and N could never be happy, is that because of what we spoke previously, his spider tendencies, or is it because you now believe I would be harmful to him? Why could we not possibly make a healthy relationship?“- I just tried to locate (for a 2nd time) a sentence you wrote some time ago that caused me alarm, like a beginning of a shift in my understanding, but I can’t find it and I am overwhelmed by the sheer amount of our posting, so much to re-read. So, I’ll try to do without re-reading:

At first, my empathy was with you for feeling UNSEEN, for growing up that way, just as it happened to me. I thought and expressed to you that your expectations of N (based on your two original posts) were unreasonable, that it was not N being responsible for you feeling unseen, that it was F’s (and your mother, in some ways) responsibility. We talked a lot about you projecting F into N.

The first shift, as I remember it, was when you described the cash and C word incidents. I then thought that the reason you complained about lesser things in regard to N’s behaviors (ex., N not getting your jokes, not his fault at all, really) was because you didn’t want to face the bigger faults in regard to N’s behaviors, or misbehaviors. This shift led to discussing N as a spider, motivated instinctually to keep you too weak so that you don’t leave his web, seeing him as a controlling person.. aka the bad guy in the relationship.

Next, you wrote (and I can’t locate it), paraphrased, that you will not get back with N unless he was not afraid to adore you 100% of the time (or just 100%, I don’t remember), and I thought: this sounds so… over the top. But I figured, maybe you were upset, and it just came out, those words, this sentiment.

You then asked if a healthy relationship with him would be possible, and I couldn’t remember what was so bad about N.. I lost the idea that N was .. the bad guy. A couple of days ago, I re-read and studied your two original posts (which you submitted before I was back to being a participant in the forums), and it occurred to me that I was wrong: N was not the controlling party in the relationship, you were: you stated it yourself, that the date nights were about what you wanted to do, etc., and you suggested that maybe you were narcissistic. Now, the narcissistic word is so overused that I didn’t pay much attention to it, and the fact that you brought it up in regard to yourself made me think that it’s almost evidence that you are not.

There was another thing, you kept saying that you are an empath, big on empathy for others, and yet, lately, I asked myself: where is it? Didn’t see it. You’ve been delightful to communicate with, and I liked you so much.. just didn’t notice empathy. For N, I don’t recall it. Or for other people.. other than your younger sister, maybe..

So, now, I am quite embarrassed for having vilified N- it was wrong of me to do so, and I don’t want to do this again, not here in your thread and not elsewhere. What I am now inclined to think (from the totality of what you shared, which I did not re-read) is that N has very low self-esteem, that he is highly addicted to weed which keeps him mellow and unreactive (the Teflon brain we discussed), that he is a people pleaser, perhaps codependent, and still, I think, not a good partner for you (for his weed use, if nothing else). And I think that you are not a good partner for him. I think that the cash and C word incidents were a couple of times when he was not able to do the Teflon thing/ to be mellow (you mentioned that at those incidents, he wasn’t on weed, if I recall correctly), so he sort of.. verbally exploded.

I know that following some therapy and hard work, you will be able to have a healthy relationship with a man who is suitable for you.

“If we met again and he (N) turned a leaf and wanted to enter these conversations with me, I could see it resulting in a healthy relationship, what do you think about that?“- I think that you need to turn a new leaf and that N should get help with his weed abuse ad wit his self-esteem and assertion skills.

“What is the difference between trying to manifest good things for myself and be positive, versus too high of standards for my future when I typed that I was inspired and trying to reprogram myself to truly believe my life is going up from here“- got to take on more humility, to be willing to be equal to others instead of superior. Start or restart your journey as a person equal to others, other people being equal (not inferior) to you.

“I am not trying to say I am so different than others and so special, in fact my dad reminded me quite often I was not“- and you tried to prove your father wrong..?

“My point is that N did not understand how I saw the world, and as much as I tried to understand how he saw the world“- how does he see the world (summarized)?

“I would make a comment and he literally would just not even react, and sometimes is ok but it was so often I started to literally ask if he could hear me, and he could but his mind was other places”– weed places.. ?

“I was jealous of his roommate. I was jealous that when he walked into the home while N and I were relaxing together, that N’s whole demeanor shifted. We went from a calm moment together to him yelling across the room about money and work… N’s roommate called girls gross names, talked about his sex life all the time and was very vulgar… I was jealous when I would be laying in N’s bed waiting for him and he would talk all night with his roommate“- maybe N is a people pleaser when it comes to dominant/ controlling people..? Or N is vulgar too (when not on weed)?.. (Who is N…?)

“N dropped my heart all over the place, being late, denying his own words and ignoring both his and my feelings“- yes, denying his words, I now remember this part.. Not cool at all. Yes, he is not,, the good guy in the relationship. Both of you messed up. But you still have your 3rd eye open, even during this difficult time. His 3rd eye may be forever closed.

“When you said I “required and demanded of him complete and ever present adoration” I am not sure how to feel about this. When I first read it I wanted to deny that I was this way, because the phrasing sounds extreme… When I see successful relationships that have gone the distance, a common factor is that the man adores the woman for who she is..”- what successful relationships have you witnessed (in real life) and did you witness these closely..?

“So when my roommate cried on her birthday because her boyfriend was in a bad mood all day and didn’t treat the day as special… this was narcissistic?“- I wouldn’t think that. but when you felt devastated by N not getting a joke.. that’s extreme.

“I feel like I care too much if anything, about the feelings of others“- when you heard that N said post breakup that he feels like dying.. I don’t remember you caring too much for his supposed suffering.. Like I wrote above, I am not in touch with you caring too much for N, for friends… We communicated so much, I don’t remember all.

“What is the difference between actually being in an unfulfilled relationship where someone is treating you wrongly, and you just being narcissistic for believing you deserve better?”- I think that both you and N treated each other wrong at one time or another (one is not the bad guy while the other is the good guy), and you both deserve better.

“What I hear is that if you are this way then you just are and you don’t deserve what you think you do, you’re delusional“- you deserved positive attention and respect as a child, you deserved to feel that you mattered, that what you needed and wanted was valid and of value. You didn’t get it then. You weren’t born with unrealistic expectations in regard to a romantic partner, the unrealistic, extreme expectations (overall, put together) were the result of a severe lack in childhood.

“I feel overwhelmed. It doesn’t resonate with me that I don’t deserve more than what N was able to be for me, and I do believe my future partner will adore me, being told he may not honestly makes me question everything I ever thought about love. I feel confused, do I not know who I am at all? This whole time, since the breakup I have been trying to remind myself I did the right thing and that I deserved more than how he was treating me, and not to be told I don’t deserve anything and thinking I deserve more is being narcissistic, I just feel lost.”-

– I boldfaced what you said I told you, but I didn’t tell you these things. I do believe that you deserve a man who is not constantly on weed, too9 mellow to have deep conversations, Teflon-ing what you say to him., etc. I am not saying that having deep, honest conversations with a romantic partner is too much for you to ask.

Please calm down best you can. I won’t be able to write more to you today. Please take a hot bath, go for a slow walk outside.. I wish you would see a counselor/ therapist. I am sorry that you are feeling lost. Here is a quote I read today and thought about you: “So self-acceptance does not mean self-admiration or even self-liking at every moment of our lives, but tolerance for all our emotions, including those that make us feel uncomfortable.”― Gabor Maté.

anita