Dear Anita,

Also, I just realised I haven’t fully answered you. Indeed, I haven’t mentioned the physical abuse before and it might sound strange, but I honestly thought that was considered to be ”normal”. In my country many kids were hit by their parents and It’s considered almost normal, although illegal. Only recently I started thinking more about those events, and I realised that might’ve been one of the reasons why I didn’t trust my parents and the reason why I disconnected myself from not only them, but partly the world around me. Actually I’ve always remembered those events, but didn’t think they meant anything. I was wrong, obviously. I thought that I deserved to be hit, like many other kids from my generation did. I didn’t connect the dots until recently.

As for my mother, your description is perfect. ” crazy – not sensible or reasonable. She seems bitter, angry, chronically stressed, perhaps, unaware/ having no insight into herself or into others.. unpredictable, impulsive ”. My mother always took care of others – she had to take care of her siblings so from an early age she took the role of the caregiver. Her mother wasn’t very emotionally available either, she gave her many responsibilities and didn’t give her space to be a kid. She was in a way, a kid taking care of other kids. She didn’t get a lot of support form her family and they never really had a good relationship, it was always very intense. ( what a surprise ) She suffered a lot through her childhood, married a man who’s family didn’t like her at all. He was and still is concerned with his own stuff and she again became the caregiver, the cook, cleaner. When she was 24 she had an abortion. My father didn’t want to have a kid, he thought they were too young and he was afraid of being judged by his family. Few years later, I came out. – my mother told me she had to trick my father into it. ( whatever that means…. ).

Since, she’s been through a cancer, when I was 13 and quite a few health problems. Her traumas are showing in her body, but she doesn’t hear it. I am very ofter worried, and I find it hard to live my own life knowing she needs so much help, but I’ve tried to support her and I see that there isn’t much I can do. I tried helping her become more aware, but it doesn’t always work like that.

Writing this, gave me a better view of where my mother is, and where she came from. It’s a sad story.

Thank you, Anita!