Dear Dafne,

thank you for your kind words and for caring about my well-being. It means a lot to me!

(BTW, I haven’t set a profile picture, so not sure what you mean?)

I am sorry about your father’s coldness and lack of empathy. What he said here is pretty awful:

Now he is saying that if I think that he is not a good father, I should stop calling him and he doesn’t want any contact with me if I ever mention my feelings or want anything from him. He said that his father never helped him and my life should not be easier than his. Also he said that many families are not in contact so it won’t make any difference for him if I disappear from his life

He was probably treated poorly by his own father, similarly like he is treating you now. It’s pretty rare for a parent to say that their child’s life shouldn’t be easier than theirs. It’s like he wants to punish you for being treated poorly as a child. In any case, I am afraid you really should heed his words and not call him, or at least you should stop expecting him to be different.

I felt so sad, disappointed & hurt that I cried many nights like a small child. Maybe I’m trying too hard to recreate what I’ve lost as a child which is impossible? Maybe he is not able to love me at all?

Yes, I am afraid he isn’t able to love you. He is a very selfish and closed-hearted person. I am sorry, Dafne. I know this is hard for you…

He dared to say that children should help financially their parents. That was his understanding of having kids. I told him that yes, you’re right but as a child I needed you first…

You told him well. He indeed sees everything through his own self-interest, and the funny thing is that he actually didn’t help you and your mother financially at all while you were growing up. So you don’t have any moral obligation to help him, after he has treated you and is still treating you poorly.

Tee, I agree with you that there is some strong connection between childhood and the future decisions that are mostly fear based. I’m trying to choose people that are the opposite of what my dadd is but still, the same patterns emerge. They are cold, emotionally unavailable, distant or angry types.

It’s good that you recognize the bad qualities in these men and are not trying to pursue them. That’s already a good start. In order to start attracting more emotionally healthy men, you’d need to work on meeting your own emotional needs first, as we’ve been talking about. Because the religious man seemed kind, but he might have been alarmed by your neediness.

I remember that he asked if I want to get married and I told him that yes, I’m looking for a friendship that leads to something more serious like engagement and hopefully marriage. Maybe this was the reason?

Hm, I don’t think he was put off by you wanting a serious relationship that will ends up in marriage. If he was religious, that’s what he too was probably looking for. I don’t know what has alarmed him, but as I said earlier, it might have been you feeling uncomfortable about his keeping in touch with his ex-wife and his stepson, and maybe feeling some extra neediness on your part?

Thank you Dafne again! You take care too!