Dear Robbie:

“In my country many kids were hit by their parents and It’s considered almost normal, although illegal. Only recently I started thinking more about those events, and I realised that might’ve been one of the reasons why I didn’t trust my parents and the reason why I disconnected myself from not only them, but partly the world around me. Actually I’ve always remembered those events, but didn’t think they meant anything. I was wrong, obviously. I thought that I deserved to be hit, like many other kids from my generation did. I didn’t connect the dots until recently”-

– (1) As I read this, I thought of a book you might write and publish one day, for people of your age (and older), in your country (and in other countries) to read. You express yourself so well, and with such refreshing emotional honesty.

(2) Indeed, physical abuse of children inside the home leads to mistrust and disconnection in the society at large.

“As for my mother, your description is perfect. ‘crazy – not sensible or reasonable. She seems bitter, angry, chronically stressed, perhaps, unaware/ having no insight into herself or into others.. unpredictable, impulsive‘. My mother always took care of others- she had to take care of her siblings so from an early age she took the role of the caregiver. Her mother wasn’t very emotionally available either, she gave her many responsibilities and didn’t give her space to be a kid… She suffered a lot through her childhood, married a man who’s family didn’t like her at all… When she was 24 she had an abortion. My father didn’t want to have a kid… Few years later, I came out – my mother told me she had to trick my father into it. (whatever that means..)”-

– I imagine that growing up, as she took care of her siblings/ others,  she got some positive reward from her mother, however small, and that filled her with hope and excitement, an emotional motivation to keep taking care of others, hoping for more of a reward: for affection and love, and to be taken care of in return. Not having received that greater reward day in and day out, year after year, filled her with anger, chronic, ongoing anger, motivating her to turn against those she was helping (“they never really had a good relationship, it was always very intense“, you wrote about her relationships with her family of origin)

Fast forward, she displays the same conflicted motivations as a mother: on one hand, taking care of you and feeling that hope and excitement combo, as in when you asked for financial help last Christmas (“At first, my mother was thrilled… I’ll give you the money right now if you want“), and on the other hand,  angrily, she turns against you, during the same Christmas visit (“My mother was already acting very standoffish…  She cornered me and started a fight – told me I didn’t care about them and I only cared about myself… she said to me – ‘You’re leaving in 3 days. From that point, you’re on your own’.  She didn’t talk to us for the next days“).

Having a kid (you) was her new hope to receive the love that was not available for her elsewhere. She had to.. almost steal this new opportunity- in her mind-  to be loved (by tricking your father).

“Very often I’ve heard from them ( actually my mother mostly ) things like: ‘please don’t forget us’, ‘keep calling us’ ‘don’t leave us’. ‘We are your parents and we do everything for you’, ‘You can always rely on us’“- growing up, not receiving love, she felt undeserving of it. She kept taking care of others, hoping to become deserving of love. Fast forward, she feels undeserving of your love.. and hoping to become deserving of it by (financially) helping you more.

“Since, she’s been through a cancer, when I was 13 and quite a few health problems. Her traumas are showing in her body“- ongoing, chronic anger involves lots of stress hormones released into the blood, day in and day out, and over time, such do damage to the body.

“but she doesn’t hear it. I am very often worried, and I find it hard to live my own life knowing she needs so much help, but I’ve tried to support her and I see that there isn’t much I can do. I tried helping her become more aware, but it doesn’t always work like that“-

– indeed, it doesn’t work like that. The love she needed as a child was not there for her for too long, so her emotional love receptors, so to speak, got filled with scar tissue (way before you were born). When you were a toddler and a young child, you loved her very much, it was a pure and unconditional love (as it is the case of any young child), but  it was too late for her to receive your love because of that (figurative) scar tissue.

You tried to help her to become more aware, but becoming aware involves pain.. like the pain of removing a scar tissue that’s well embedded in the flesh. I don’t think, from all that you shared, that she can be helped except by a quality, professional counselor/ psychotherapist whom she’d be willing to see.

“My main objective now is to head back to Spain and find stability. I’ll have an online interview on Friday with a language school from Spain, I’ve sent quite a few applications… In Poland I didn’t manage to find a job. I also don’t want to live here anymore, it doesn’t make any sense to me. I hope next month I’ll get to Spain and start working. I hope to use my parents financial help for as little as possible and become financially independent again as soon as possible. What do you think of this?… and I also don’t want to move back with my parents“-

– I think that it’s a good plan for you to (1) not move back with your parents, (2) to find a job and become financially independent again.

As far as moving to Spain, will you leave your girlfriend behind in Poland, or will she be joining you?

anita