Dear Worldofthewaterwheels,

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, because my mother, although not a narcissist, made me feel bad about myself and criticized me a lot, while at the same time presenting herself as a good mom and a martyr. My father was her enabler, so to speak, because he wouldn’t protect me – his main goal was to keep her anger and sadness at bay, to keep the “peace” in the family. He never demanded her to go see a counselor and deal with her own issues, but minimized the problem and gaslighted both me and himself that things aren’t so bad.

I can imagine that with a narcissistic mother, emotional abuse is even more severe, because she is also in competition with you and is trying to pull you down, being jealous of your successes. There is a great youtube video about narcissistic mothers and the damage they can do to their children. The title is Signs your Mother is a Covert Narcissist & How to Recover, by Barbara Heffernan.

The sad truth is that being raised by a narcissistic mother (and I am assuming an enabler father?) does a lot of damage to the child, because it ruins both the child’s self-esteem and also trust in other people. As Anita said, the first “society” you knew was your family, and if you felt rejected by them, and even bullied, it would make sense that this is how you see the world now in your adulthood, and encounter such experiences as well.

Our core beliefs about ourselves and the world develop based on those early childhood experiences – because that’s the “world” that we know and that we get socialized into. So we see everything through that distorted lens.

I totally understand your pain as you go through life and encounter more and more of the painful experiences, because they probably make you believe that you will never get out of this nightmare, that you will never have it going for you.

My suggestion is to take a step back and realize that indeed, you grew up in a nightmare, but you don’t have to keep living in one. And that there is help. There is healing. And that you are capable of healing.

Apart from finding a therapist who knows how to deal with victims of narcissistic abuse, the first step in healing is always self-compassion. Try to have compassion for the little girl that you were, being deprived of true love and tenderness, and being manipulated by a mother who only cared about her own needs. Have compassion for that little girl who, like every other child, was in a huge need of love and appreciation, and received so little.

You can help yourself and help that little girl get what she needs. With the help of therapy, you will be able to slowly but surely meet your basic needs. Maybe you can start with self-care: do something that soothes your body and soul, something that you enjoy.

It can take years to recover…to meet someone compatible to me so i can finally relax a bit more, enjoy life more..ive been like a soldier for so long, there is no mistake when people say this.

You don’t necessarily need to wait till you meet someone to relax and enjoy life. Try to relax your body in a warm bath, try to create for yourself small, simple experiences of relaxation, and try to enjoy and savor those moments. Start small, with something that you can create for yourself, not waiting for others. That would be a part of self-care, and so crucial for starting to meet your basic needs, both physical and emotional. It’s a long road, but it starts with self-care and self-compassion…

I hope this helped a little… I am rooting for you, Worldofthewaterwheels!