Dear Anita,

– (1) As I read this, I thought of a book you might write and publish one day, for people of your age (and older), in your country (and in other countries) to read. You express yourself so well, and with such refreshing emotional honesty.

Thank you so much! Well, I think this topic has been already covered many times. As I mentioned before, Gabor Mate summarised all these aspects in such simple and compassionate ways that I wouldn’t even try to touch the subject. But you never know what will happen in the future.

I like what you said about my mother, you see it very well and clear. I’ve spent maybe too much thinking of these aspects that I often feel like I overly analysed the story of my childhood to the point of not living fully in the present moment anymore. Of course all of this is ( still ) necessary. Last years have been a battle between reframing my childhood experiences and making some new ones – the balance hasn’t been always easy to achieve. If ever. But I’m getting better at it.

There are some news 🙂 Today I’ve bought my plane ticket to go to Spain. I’m going in the first of March.  New Month, New Beginning – also it was the cheapest ticket so all seemed to make sense. I was very hesitant to buy the ticket, since I don’t know if there will be work for me there, but I’d rather spent my time looking for a job there in person than sending applications from here. I’m willing to try my best to find work, this time I have to do it differently. This time I want to put more effort and avoid getting comfortable again. ( relying on my parent’s money and not working / not working enough to be fully independent ). I even recorded a video of myself today talking to the camera, telling myself how this time I’l have to change my approach. I wanted to have a video I could come back to, when I feel foggy and unmotivated. I wanted something to bring me back on my track, back OnCourse. Btw, that’s also the name of my YouTube Channel – a channel I’ve been trying to launch for a while, actually started airing in November but got hit by a missile during the latest conflict with my parents and didn’t really get back to it since. It’ll come back soon!

Now, tomorrow morning after waking up, I’ll do my yoga, meditate and have an online interview with a Language Academy in Spain. ( Alicante – if you were wondering where I’m going ). The first two are routines by now, almost autopilot. The last one isn’t. This one is a little harder to manage while feeling comfortable. I’d like to become more grounded in these situations, to be less scared of failure and feel less of an impostor. After all, I’ve done it before. I’ve been teaching English for a while and I didn’t suck at it. I guess everyone feels nervous before an interview, at least to some degree. It’s the degree I have to work on 🙂

Right after buying the ticket today, knowing I’ll have that interview tomorrow – a big wave of anxiety hit me. A wave of nostalgia and false reasoning. Finally, now I’m  headed towards a more plausible scenario of change. Suddenly I’ll miss Poland. I’ll miss the dark, wet and cold days. This wave I’m talking about isn’t new to me. Oh no. We’ve been acquainted a long time ago and with no exception, we’ve met every time I left my hometown and later my country. Surfing takes discipline, awareness and momentum.  I’ve surfed a few waves in the past, and I consider myself to be an average surfer ( considering the fact I come form an Eastern European country ). I believe these waves too could be tamed a little – with the right amount of discipline, awareness and momentum. The ride might be worth it. I think so 🙂

So yes, I feel anxious – almost paralysed. I often battle between the fear of failure and the self encouragement I’ve learned about only recently. Often my newly discovered sense of courage the part of me that finds hope and clarity loses to my older inhabitants that have been the ruling party for much longer.

The girlfriend has to stay here for a while. I’d love to be able to take her with me! She also needs to find herself a job in Spain, to find a way to gradually transfer her job from Poland to Spain. She’s a Yoga and Pilates Teacher – it’s a doable thing. Her English is impeccable so she won’t be needing much Spanish to do her classes. Alicante has a big community of expats. It’ll be hard to go back there without her. She loves that place as much as I do, if not more. That’s where we met, on the beach! Makes me think of Chris Rea’s song – On the Beach. Good song, I think 🙂

What I’m going to do now, is prepare for the interview. My CV doesn’t even acknowledge I’ve ever moved away from Spain – and on paper, I’ve never stoped teaching English. So now, I gotta make sure tomorrow I look like I know my s****. I know, maybe not completely fair but I’m in a bit of a hurry to get my s**** together.

Thank you for your brilliant answers, you too have amazing awareness. I’ve never seen anyone connect dots quite like you do, Anita. Thank you so much! I hope you’re having a great morning!

Robi