Dear Worldofthewaterwheels:

A soldier as you mean it: “someone who feels like they are in a battle, trying to communicate, trying to get by, trying to stay strong, There is really no choice if you want to survive in the world as it is… to stay tough and fight an enemy“- the World is the Enemy. An enemy is not to be trusted. An enemy is to be survived, not to get close to.

More about being a soldier from your earlier posts: “I’m worried about my survival….being..  bullied and targeted… for no real reason… I’m an attractive polite and kind woman who has had a lot of bad things happen to her, I didn’t complain…Guys seem rude and aggressive… .what it is that sets it off? being nice? saying hi? Because I don’t understand it… I’ve often looked in the mirror and wondered…do I have a dumb expression? is it the shape of my face somehow? my body?… I’ve managed to survive this far, mainly by finding the strength in myself…no drugs, no therapy.. just hanging in there“- an Enemy that bullies and targets the innocent, an enemy that needs to be survived.

The results of the battle, from your most recent post: “The symptoms I feel of my life, are in the end, physical.. exhaustion, tension and stress in my body“- War is draining, exhausting.

“Trying to navigate social communications is like a minefield to me“, you wrote yesterday. Pervasive, persistent and enduring distrust in people is akin to living on a minefield, to being at war: being hypervigilant to verbal attacks by others,  being inclined to misinterpret benign remarks by others as hurtful or threatening, being suspicious of others’ motives, believing they’re trying to hurt your feelings when they aren’t, etc. This makes intimate relationships and close friendships impossible, and it makes workplace relationships difficult.

“It would be nice to believe other people go through this but I know, it’s not the case for a lot of people and they are just chemically/behaviourly different than I am. There are people out there who do not get depressed like this and don’t understand it… I notice when I hang out with some other people that they have light minds… there may be some sad stuff or difficult stuff, but they are not weighed down, brush it off quicker and move on… I just wonder why everything feels so difficult for me when other people are much lighter“-

– I think that other people are lighter and more resilient than you (brush it off quicker, etc.) because there is someone in their lives that they trust. For humans, as for other social animals (dog, coyote, wolf, etc.), trust in others (not in all others, but in some others) makes positive, trusting social interactions possible. It is the positive, trusting social interactions with others that keep us lighter and more resilient in the face of difficulties.

Alone for too long, the social animal’s neuro-chemistry really changes and the animal becomes sick. A dog that’s left alone for too long becomes anxious, depressed, lethargic and aggressive.  A dog that has plenty of social interactions wags his tail, is affectionate.. lighter. A social animal is not meant to be alone; you are not meant to be alone.

You physically survived your abusive childhood, but your trust in other people was lost along the way, and mistrust took over. Most likely, one group of your negative adult-life experiences with other people was the result of their wrongdoings; a second group was the result of your misinterpretation of others’ expressions, words an actions, and the third group was the result of your expressed mistrust in others turning them off to you, leading them to reject you.

Healing as much as is possible for you, I believe, will take identifying these 3 groups in your life, past and present.

anita