Dear hatata:

“I was never good at making friends“- it’s understandable that you were never good (so far) at making friends because (1) Your mother discouraged you from making friends by telling you that “friends come and go so there’s no reason to pursue friendships, to avoid disappointment“, and by rarely giving you “any money to go out and hang out with.. school colleagues“,

(2) You got into the habit, from an early age, to be “into books and solo activities“, meaning spending time alone. Habituated to spend time alone, you feel  “overwhelmed with people“.

(3) The current friends you spend time with in a bigger group setting use weed, and  “everybody is focused on ‘having good times’, not actual conversations“- people using weed are not likely to be focused and clear-minded enough to have conversations. and you are interested in conversations.

You ended your short original post with: “Mostly after trying to be social I’m just exhausted and disappointed. I’m in the same community for the last three years and can’t name one person I’d call to vent to“- it is interesting that your mother’s prediction that pursuing friendships will lead to disappointments came true.. only it came true because she habituated you to a life without friends (#1 and 2 above).

“How to make friends? Real friends?“- Seems to me that to make friends, you will need to start not in a big group, but in a small group, or better, in a 1- to- 1 context, not when smoking weed, and not spending too much time per visit with others, because you’ll need your alone-time to come down from the heightened stress involved in socializing.

Over time, the intensity of the stress will lessen and you will become more comfortable conversing and socializing. What do you think about my suggestions?

anita