Dear Seaturtle:

“I could see myself thinking they are stronger than I am, or maybe know themselves better“- A point toward Seaturtle’s humility, zero toward Seaturtle being a narcissist.. lol (funny.. or not?)

“Yea I can see how this would have developed in me, with my dad’s huge need to show his superiority over me and my siblings… My dads voice is still in my head, saying… that I am weaker than others“- so sometimes you counter his voice by saying the opposite, that you are superior to others.

“I have a random question. There was a time when N and I had a real pregnancy scare..  a few weeks before you and I began talking here, back in September 2023. For about a week we thought I was pregnant, his initial reaction was what I wanted to do, which I did appreciate, he was expecting me to choose to not go through with it… I have been getting trapped in these thoughts the past few days, would starting a family have made him the man I needed?  Someone who could see me? would it make him softer like I wanted him to be?“- this is a mistake many women make, thinking that having a child will lead to improvement in the relationship with their child’s father, a change in the man. I think that statistically, judging by separation and divorce numbers alone, it has proven to be a romantic, delusional idea. So, no, I feel quite certain that N would not have become the man you needed, he wouldn’t have seen you and he wouldn’t have become softer if you had a child (or children) with him. Instead, he would have become harder and blinder, being overwhelmed to be a father.

“When I see deeply, I mean he has empathy for people IF he understands them. His friend, D, had a troubled past… However it didn’t feel like he treated me the same way, When I tried to express certain ways my dad spoke to me that affected me still and lead to triggers, he just gave me like a blank stare… he looked at me like I was giving excuses…“- my mother had empathy, so it seemed, to hungry cats in the neighborhood, and to me when I was physically sick with the flu, let’s say, and when she thought I was hungry. But she had no empathy for me during hours-long sessions where she shamed and guilt tripped me, etc. That’s empathy that is very limited to certain circumstances, and to certain people/ animals. Overall, my mother was a very good person where cats were concerned, so I understand cats seeking her company. But I shouldn’t.

Similarly, N may be a very good friend to D, so it would make sense for D to continue to be friends with N. But you shouldn’t.

“If something hurt his feelings, he put it in a box. Then he would be all passive aggressive… and he would just say ‘no you didn’t do anything I am not passive aggressive I was just asking a question/ just kidding/ I didn’t say that?…’“- ongoing people pleasing involves emotional dishonesty. He puts his anger in a box and the box leaks.. passive aggressively.

“If someone gave him a sort of ultimatum, he would not do it out of his own stubborn-ness. Maybe he just swings between the two, when he has energy he is people pleaser and when he is annoyed or tired he switches to not caring at all… “- unlike characters in cartoons and in many works of fiction, in real-life, people are not as consistent as in being one way or the other way at all times. Instead, many people stretch themselves too far in one way (ex., passive, people pleasing), stress builds and becomes too much, so they overcompensate, going the other way (ex., aggressive) . And repeat.

“I feel like being seen as equal would have been enough for me, but he did not treat my feelings with the care I treated his. When he told me it made him smile when I made his bed, that made me continue to do it… Whereas when I told him it made me feel special when he said I looked pretty, he couldn’t bring himself to say it“- this is part of the learning, within a relationship, for the purpose of deciding if it’s a good idea to continue the relationship. You wrote in your original post that N is a standup guy, no question– well, he may be a standup friend to D and a standup law abiding, tax paying citizen, but not a standup guy in the relationship with you.

“His mom absorbs all the sympathy she can get, which I can see being a vacuum for emotions in a room, N feeling like there was no space to express his. This makes me feel like I could have made it work with N, helping him express his feelings, something I have no trouble doing“- a term synonymous to the years of childhood is Formative Years, meaning that a person is formed, physically, emotionally, mentally, during those years. By the time you met N, he was already formed with his reactions to his mother’s misbehaviors being part of who he is. You can’t go back in time and undo his old reactions. You’re too late.

Adults can heal, to one extent or another, if they are able, and if they are greatly motivated, and if (we) do what it takes, and persist.. proactively.

“This breakup is so difficult. I feel like I am being tossed around, one day I feel no regrets and proud of my decisions. The next day I wake up feeling guilty that I gave up too quickly and demanded too much of him…“- you demanded too much from him as a boyfriend/ lifetime partner, but you didn’t demand too much for yourself when it comes to a boyfriend/ lifetime partner. See the difference?

anita