Dear Anita,

“A point toward Seaturtle’s humility, zero toward Seaturtle being a narcissist.. lol (funny.. or not?)”

• haha funny and validating
• Years ago when I was starting to spot narcissists, in my parents and on tv or on occasion my friends, I looked up what made a narcissist. I decided I couldn’t be because when someone explained to me how I hurt them I genuinely looked at myself and changed if I needed to because I didn’t want to be the cause of someone’s pain. It also made me start to listen more, and care about others feelings, in an attempt to be the opposite of my dad and to generally feel better and connect with more people.

“so sometimes you counter his voice by saying the opposite, that you are superior to others.”

• Hm right. Well this is a doable improvement I can make, when I find myself arguing that I am not worse I need to find a more “I am equal” approach rather than lifting myself “above.”

“judging by separation and divorce numbers alone, it has proven to be a romantic, delusional idea. So, no, I feel quite certain that N would not have become the man you needed, he wouldn’t have seen you and he wouldn’t have become softer if you had a child (or children) with him. Instead, he would have become harder and blinder, being overwhelmed to be a father.”

• I must say I agree, and this is what my intuition told me when I woke up the following day. I was certain of the future I wanted to avoid, perhaps even a generational pattern I’d be falling into. It is only now after the breakup that I started to wonder what that would have looked like but my third eye agrees with you here.

“my mother had empathy, so it seemed, to hungry cats in the neighborhood, and to me when I was physically sick with the flu, let’s say, and when she thought I was hungry. But she had no empathy for me during hours-long sessions…”

• I see this in N. And I feel like it made me want to be in those states in order to feel his empathy and feelings for me. After the breakup when I injured my knee, unable to walk for a day or so and limping for days after, it was hard to be injured without him. Then I got covid, and that was even harder to not have him. Then this surgery; I had a lot of tears throughout my time at the hospital, I cried like a lot. I was in physical pain but I was just depleted of nutrients which I think cause my defenses to all be pretty much non-existent. The slightest thought of my loneliness there made me ball, then my pain just made it worse. I was about to say “I’ve never felt so alone” but I instantly recalled at least two other times in my life where I felt so completely alone, it’s even making me emotional now. I need could dive into this on another post cause I do wonder it’s affects.
• For some reason recently when I have tears, my eyes burn, it just happened again and I looked it up and online says “When you cry due to emotional distress, the tears you produce contain different proteins, hormones, and stress-related chemicals than regular tears.”

“so I understand cats seeking her company. But I shouldn’t.”

• this is funny I laughed out loud, I hope that’s ok

“Similarly, N may be a very good friend to D, so it would make sense for D to continue to be friends with N. But you shouldn’t.”

• interesting because I do agree with this. I think where my lines get crossed is when I consider him to be a good friend, not a good romantic partner, and this reminds me how much I do miss his friendship.

“ongoing people pleasing involves emotional dishonesty. He puts his anger in a box and the box leaks.. passive aggressively.”

• and the gaslighting was the label of how he would be emotionally dishonest

“By the time you met N, he was already formed with his reactions to his mother’s misbehaviors being part of who he is. You can’t go back in time and undo his old reactions. You’re too late.”

• This is hard for me to accept. I see how I can’t go back in time to undo his old reactions, but part of me believes that people can improve from their formative years self. Some sort of realization happens, this happened to me which is why I believe it. I was so blind in highschool, third eye closed and I started to want to know myself, understand me and to do that I needed to see myself through others eyes and that is always humbling and if I let it, helps me grow. Since I did it, I just hold on to this idea that if only I could explain it just right they would be like “oh my gosh, who am I?” And so begins the journey, discovering your patterns and how you affect others and what genuine happiness is.

I read this after: “Adults can heal, to one extent or another, if they are able, and if they are greatly motivated, and if (we) do what it takes, and persist.. proactively.”

• I knew early on in the relationship that he wasn’t where I was in the journey of self awareness, but I liked so many other quality, aka what makes him a good friend. And I loved him, who N was as a friend. I accepted he was on his own self awareness journey and that wasn’t mine to press, but then it just wasn’t happening. And the whole second half of the relationship I was losing hope it would, and wondering how long I should wait and if I was wasting my time waiting for that to happen. So is my solution to not begin a relationship with someone who is not on the same journey as me to be their best expressive self?

“you demanded too much from him as a boyfriend/ lifetime partner, but you didn’t demand too much for yourself when it comes to a boyfriend/ lifetime partner. See the difference?”

• are you saying I demanded too much from him specifically but not that my standards are too high for my lifetime partner who’s still out there? I hope so haha.

Seaturtle