Dear Anita,

I’ve had some more clarity, I know where my fear/ regret comes from. I fear that I should have  not ended things the way that I did. The day before the breakup I was hopeful of his awareness that he didn’t know how he came across, but when I shared that with you you pointed out the gaslighting technique there. As more clarity came to me and after reading your message of reasons to end the relationship with N, I don’t understand why I felt the need to end things so quickly rather than have a full conversation. I just wonder how that conversation would have gone and if him hearing me say I was considering breaking up and more clear as to why since I had more realizations after our dinner two nights before. I wonder if he would have heard what I was saying and felt the urgency to be more aware of his feelings, feelings he denied, passive aggression that he had previously denied and gaslighted me about.

I know I did try sooo many times in the relationship to work things out in my head and in conversation, that whole second year being together. But I think all that exhaustion really caught up with me when you validated my feelings of him gaslighting my feelings. I remember seeing a trail back to all the times he had.

But realizing how I went wrong in the relationship and moments I didn’t express myself the best way… ever since his text that I don’t know what love is… I interpreted that as him saying he would have stuck by me through anything but I gave up on him. And I feel a lot of guilt over that and it has made me really question myself. Question if I did try my best and make me worry that if I could go back I would have given him more of a chance to get better. I’ve had vivid dreams, bad sleep and high anxiety the past week or more over this. Recently When I see the parents I nanny for argue, I wonder “did I give up over an argument that I will just have again in another relationship?” That reminds me of his good qualities and the things I “gave up.” The good parts of him I broke up with that now I will just want in another relationship. I have been in a thought loop of this anxiety and I think the dreams are because of that.

I feel bad for having these thoughts on top of having them. I feel badly and I wonder if I should reach out to talk, but he said he doesn’t want to waste more energy on me. I can’t tell if this is my third eye being closed or if it is a new realization of it. It is very painful for me to think that if only I had given him the opportunity for a full conversation, rather than ending it so quickly out of fear that he would gaslight and confuse me, that maybe it would have worked out. I just wish I had the confidence in my strength to hold my own if he did try, but maybe the previous dinner when he excused himself from everything by saying he doesn’t know how he comes across, maybe that was him attempting to understand himself and I gave up before he was able to try and make a change. Two nights prior to the breakup was the first time I brought up the term gaslighting, and although I’d tried to explain it prior maybe that time he would have understood.

But then I think about how he didn’t put much effort into talking me out of breaking up he pretty much just left, but I think it may be unfair to expect someone to argue when you say it is what you want.

I think all of these thoughts have been stuck in my head since texting him about my things and they are just now coming out. I feel icky and afraid I made a mistake. But maybe this is all just the sacral (child) acting out because of how much I miss his physical presence. I hope I didn’t make a huge mistake and that he is the “one that got away” as I feared he would be, the fear that kept me in the relationship the last year I struggled and did my best to communicate. What if I stuck with it… this thought is eating me on the inside and I either need to reach out to him and see if he will hear me out; or I need to squash this potential regret somehow.

I apologize for the word vomit, these have been my thoughts I’ve been fighting but now that they are so clear and even convincing, I am afraid of them and don’t know what to do with them.

Anxious Seaturtle