Dear Anita,

 
<p class=”p1″>“he’d say that he has no words to describe how you made him feel.. wouldn’t he?”</p>

• that is what I would imagine yes. The fear is what if..

<p class=”p1″>“it’s a fantasy that following just the right words and an explanation coming from you, he’d go through a metamorphosis. It’d take many months of active psychotherapy and lots of proactive work, and not using weed daily, to make such profound, deep changes.”</p>

• I am going to save this message in my phone so I can come back when these doubts come to my head. They aren’t gone but these are the affirmations I need, which tells me my third eye is tired? I wonder why I have these doubts so intensely the past couple weeks, so you that text exchange just really impacted me more than I can still even give it credit?

<p class=”p1″>“there is a fitting saying: you can’t squeeze water (introspection, insight etc.) out of a stone (a person whose regularly stoned, pun intended)”</p>

• this is funny, and I will try to remind myself this as I attempt to simmer my fears. Fears I have a feeling will return until I’ve fully believed it.

<p class=”p1″>“fantasy.”</p>

• Ok. I believe you. I also wonder what is this fantasy fulfilling in me to keep? I once learned in therapy that “you’re struggling to make the change because  the old behavior is still meeting a need.” So I wonder what is this need, why am I having a painful fantasy that he could have evolved for me. Why am I doing this to myself.

<p class=”p1″>“I think it is your suppressed need and desire of childhood and adolescence to be seen and heard by those who won’t, that is acting out at this time.”</p>

• interesting. Perhaps this is the need right here, for some reason fantasizing  him seeing me is still fulfilling a need… as it did in the relationship. My need to be seen. So all of this is because I still don’t feel seen, even by me? I feel seen my you, by my roommate who I enjoy spending time with, and I feel I have worked so hard to see me that it seems impossible that I don’t at least see more than before. So why do I need this, because of childhood lack… so the real question is how do I fill it.

<p class=”p1″>“this reminds me of the spider (N) and the fly (Seaturtle) analogy that I made earlier: the fly caught in the spider’s web, vibrating it with fear, the spider notices and approaches the fly to attack/ prepare it as a meal.”</p>

• wow this is eerily similar.

“can you watch a good movie/ listen to your favorite music.. do art, take a hot bath, so to relax?“

• Yes I will do this. I sadly cannot take a bath yet because of my surgery incisions but a hot shower will do. I am going to make dinner and watch a nostalgic show. After expressing myself here, and even more in my notes, I feel I released enough to relax for tonight. Thank you for being here this evening, I am going to save your responses from tonight to potentially re-read.

I will be back tomorrow, but will have more time on Wednesday when I don’t work. Have a good night Anita,

less anxious and exhausted seaturtle