I positively smiled when I read your post maybe because somebody genuinely praised me after a really really long time ( and I have also not read any romance novel) . Its not that he didnt praise me , he did maybe more each time we have talked after he  broke up,but his praises came with this statement , “I cant be sorry enough”. Yesterday , after almost more than a month of blocking him , I texted him . I know I shouldnt have but I had a very bad dream the previous night about something awful happening to him , I dont understand why I care so much about a guy who doesnt give a shit about how I feel . I mean I dont know if you can wrap your head around it but since October, I had become increasingly suicidal. I told him that since coming from a conservative family , he should not have formed relation with me if all this while he was just going to leave me at the appropriate time. I asked him that why didnt you leave when before college your mother denied this relationship altogether , why did he give me hopes of a future. The reply that he gave was that first he was not strong enough back then and secondly he thought that if he left me  then my college studies would have been affected. He also said that since I was so perfect for him and I cared so much for him he wasnt able to leave me back then but now as such he had become strong enough to leave me. But then he should have realised that if he truly loved and cared for me then he should have left me back then , atleast I wouldnt have entered into physical relation and I would not carry the guilt that I carry no. The thing is now I realise that it was always about him , never about me.

And you are right , there were issues within my family ever since I was a child. Everybody loves me dearly but they had issues amongst themselves.Ever since I was  a child I used to dread coming back home from school because of fear of any kind of unrest or a fight going on. And I was so much sensitive when my parents used to fight that I used to become scared very much.(The situation within my family has improved now ) Most people say that there home is there safe haven but for me it was not so. So the only comfort zone at that time was books.Then I met him ( he was dealing with the early expiring of his father) , he was very much disturbed and emotionally messed up. I dont know maybe that is why I tended to him because I felt that I had met someone who was dealing with emotional challenges. I nurtured him , took him out of depression , I felt him deeply as someone who needed compassion and someone who would support him in his weak moments. I knew back then that he was a very weak man, had a very laid back attitude towards life in general , but I thought that with my affection and care we could transform into better grown individuals. But I was wrong it seems so.

Yesterday , when I talked with him , he literally said to me that “you are my perfect one “, “I cannot ask for a better partner than you but please try to understand this is very difficult for me too”.I dont understand how do such kind of get away with first wronging their partner and then becoming victim themselves. Imagine someone telling you that you are most wonderful most perfect partner and then after being with you for a long time, telling you that they wont have anything to do with you further. I keep thinking and blaming myself, that why didnt I see this coming , why didnt I see that he would never stand up to me no matter even if I died for me. he would still just say sorry.

I know you must be thinking that if you already know how bad he was then just stop thinking about him and move on. Thats the most difficult part. The thing is that my love , care and affection all of it was genuine and I cannot digest that after being so good towards someone how can that person cause me so much unimaginable pain and get away just with a sorry. Even after so much time has passed, I cannot stop thinking about him. On some days , I feel anger , on others I feel despair , on some days I feel humiliated , the list goes on an on. I am tired of thinking about him .I have tried so many things to heal myself, like I started writing down my thoughts so that I could vet out my emotions , listened to healing podcasts and a lot more . But every now and then my mind goes back to him. Please help me . I want to get out of this  breakup purgatory .