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Cant Move on from the most devastating break-up

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  • #428737
    Arctic07
    Participant

    I am dealing with a very painful breakup . We were together for around 5 years . The relationship was the best , it had all the good elements be it emotional intimacy , physical intimacy , regular communication everything  . It was the first relationship for both of  us and we are same in age .We grew together . But we were an interfaith couple which is a big problem here in india . Ever since the starting of the relationship , I was headstrong , ironfisted and quite loyal that I dont do casual flings , if I am involved then I am going to marry him .And this he knew very well . He was also  a very serious guy and he realised what he was getting into. When we were early into the relationship when only 3 months had passed , he told his mother about us and that was before we started college. She said that marriage will not be possible but you can stay together   for now. Now , I was very madly and deeply in love with him , to me he was my perfect love my life and the guy who would make me feel complete. I was everything but practical . I talked to his mom , cried practically begged but she wouldnt budge. At that time we didnt even dare to breakup because both of us were scared to lose the other one as we found a safety net in each other . I was so naiive so reckless and so stupid that I think we just discussed something like that maybe she is disagreeing for marriage right now but she approves of the relationship so maybe with the passage of time , she has a change of heart and then we will marry . We made practical plans as to settle abroad or marry abroad stay for a year or two and then come back and convince everyone.Ofcourse it would have been tough but I thought that he is the one .I hate to say it but I gambled my entire life’s happiness on his mother’s change of heart which was only a maybe. Nevertheless, I continued to love him, obey him practically worship him like he is some sort of god. He was good to me too . He did pleasant things to me made me feel the happiest person . And with the passage of time I began to feel that this is what I was supposed to do always. Find my so called soulmate and love him for my entire life. I am not exxagerating when I say that I put him on the highest pedestal I could find , loved him more with each passing day . I cared for him more than I ever cared for me. In my mind I was his dutiful wife who was meant to please him , assist him in whatever he wanted , abide by him , even make compromises to any extent possible , in my mind the only thing important was him . I was never a religious person and did not believe much in god. So to me , he was my god . I know that this sounds insane but that is my story please bear with it. I am sure of one thing though that he did not love me as much as I loved him. As time passed , we got closer in all ways . He was my first everything and I hope you can understand what I am saying. I did pretty good in college . I am good in literature, love books and reading so I was highly active in forming societies interacting with juniors guiding them and due to my concerted efforts I managed to secure a good paying job from college.

    Fast forward to last October ,my joining in the company hadnt come due to recession so I was at home, one day he was unnecessarily rude to me . So I did not try to communicate that day because I was scared of him as not to annoy him ever. Next day , I waited entire day but no response , Later in the evening when we talked , I sensed something off. He said that he did not want to continue the relationship because his mother doesnt want him to be further emotionally attached to me. And thats the way he ended something which I considered so sacred so holy. I begged him for days after that . My life turned into hell. I cried and begged and crushed my self esteem beneath my own feet. All I wanted was him . I was so good to him , I was loyal , all these years I never once faltered , never once tried to flirt with any other guy all this while being in a long distance relationship. How could he do this to me?i even agreed to change my religion officially and marry him if thats what would be needed. i never even thought about my family( I had some issues in my family like I had childhood trauma of an unhappy home because of fights quarrels amongst family members to an extent that to me there was nothing known as a happy home ) even though they loved me so much. I continued to beg him for some days and our conversations reduced to one sided long pleas from my side. he would occasionally respond as to  how sorry he was how very much he wanted that things were different but he told me that he would always choose his family over me and no matter what I did , there would be a social stigma to marry someone of my religion. I dont know why I cannot get over such a person who has such a disregard for me. I dont know why I still love and care about this guy. So what happened was that even though he broke up with me , I swallowed all of my self respect and asked him to continue the relationship like a situationship until marriage time comes and then we will convince everyone. He agreed for the situationship because he was also hurting very much . He began to exhibit hot and cold behaviour , some day he would become extra nice and on some days he would become so very much rude . Slowly and slowly this situationship thing began to gut him . I used to think that situation is slowly improving but I dont know . Then he said one day that doesnt want to call because he did not want to give false hopes and that is he wished to stop talking altogether because there is no future.Again I panicked because the thought of losing contact with him was very scary .So i said okay just text me once in a day and he obliged. He was slowly and slowly pulling away and I was trying to hold onto him with full might.This continued till end of december. Shortly after new year , a few days later one day tired of all this and desperate for a conversation I began calling him to talk to me but there was no response . I was saddened by this behaviour but uptil now I had become used to his rudeness, his unavailability . Later in the evening , I found that he had blocked me on call as well as on whatsapp.I was broken completely.. Uptill this point i was tolerating all this shitty behaviour because to an extent I felt that he was suffering to and one thing I knew that atleast he would not cease contact without my permission but he did.  I was angry I was shattered I was hurt beyond anything.So , I blocked him from everywhere . Later in the same month was his birthday and despite literally desperate to  want to text him , I didnt . A few days later , he contacted me and that day for the first time , I felt some emotion from his side.That day when we talked he was frantic about me , he was missing me so much and he said that we would go abroad and marry . But there was little conviction to what he said . So I said that okay think it over and come back to me after some days if you are sure.After about 10 days, i contacted him , I was shocked to see the same rudeness the same indifference. And then when I asked him why are we talking to which he said that because I wanted to . Then i said that then why did he come  back and tell me all those lies to which he said that it was because I was so much hopeless and it was hurting him and he couldnt understand what to say .

    I know that my story screams upon itself that i should have left him long ago but here I am hellbent on self destruction through love and now I dont know how to get over this man how to get over this feeling. Its been so much time and I am still there . Please help me . I really need help.

    #428747
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Artic07

    I am sorry that your relationship did not pan out as you hoped for after many years of waiting for a different outcome.

    Allow yourself grieve for the loss of this particular  projected future for a short while, but also note the reality of the past cold rudeness.  It is possible that could have become the norm.  When we become infatuated, we have expectations and can gloss over difficulties. I am guessing that it is the relationship that was more important to you due to your childhood experiences.

    Have you found a job? or something to focus on in the gaps between bouts of grief.

    I am sure other members will give you better insights

    kind regard

    Roberta

    #428750
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arctic07:

    You shared that you are good in literature, well: it shows in your writing. I read with much interest, and wanted to read more and more, wanting to know what’s next. You write so well, like a good romance novelist, I imagine. (I imagine because I don’t remember ever reading a romance novel).  And your writing is honest, intelligent and believable.. not flowery and or unintelligent.

    At the end of your story/ original post, you wrote: “I know that my story screams upon itself that I should have left him long ago but here I am hellbent on self destruction through love“-

    – what interesting, original combinations of words (in my experience): “my story screams upon itself“, “self destruction through love“, I am positively impressed!

    Now, what does a young woman as intelligent, original and talented as you, and one who values marriage, doing begging a guy for anything, let alone for a situationship, as you have done… (I ask myself).

    The answer may be in the only part of your story that you placed in parenthesis:  “(I had some issues in my family like I had childhood trauma of an unhappy home because of fights quarrels amongst family members to an extent that to me there was nothing known as a happy home )“.

    Perhaps within your quarrelsome family, you placed yourself in parenthesis, figuratively, taking on the role of someone less important, someone who is quiet, obedient, pleasing, assisting and accommodating to others, while your quarrelsome family members were loud, rebellious, forceful.

    Maybe this habit carried on to your first romantic relationship (I am adding the boldface feature to the following quote): “I…  obey him practically worship him like he is some sort of god… I put him on the highest pedestal I could find… I cared for him more than I ever cared for me. In my mind I was his dutiful wife who was meant to please him , assist him in whatever he wanted”.

    I hope to read your thoughts about what I posted here, and would very much like to communicate with you. Maybe, just maybe, our communication can help you, so that you can “Move on“.

    anita

    #428762
    Tommy
    Participant

    Five years of youth in love is a long time. In the mind of the youth, it is a lifetime. This being the first love means the feelings run the deepest. It really is a shame that you let this continue for so long even knowing that it will not end well. He will not change his mind? He will stay loyal to his family and not you? The message is to move on and forget him? And youth wonders how this can be.

    It hurts. Pain when one thinks of the love and the time spent together. So, how does one move on? It takes lots of time and distraction for the feelings to let go. Time to let go. Time to little by little not think or feel the pain and hurt. Distraction is needed to move the mind from its deep well made from 5 years of this toil in love. Distraction in purpose in occupation, or love another. You will need this more than you admit. Please be open to your future and not dwell in the past.

    #428763
    Arctic07
    Participant

    I positively smiled when I read your post maybe because somebody genuinely praised me after a really really long time ( and I have also not read any romance novel) . Its not that he didnt praise me , he did maybe more each time we have talked after he  broke up,but his praises came with this statement , “I cant be sorry enough”. Yesterday , after almost more than a month of blocking him , I texted him . I know I shouldnt have but I had a very bad dream the previous night about something awful happening to him , I dont understand why I care so much about a guy who doesnt give a shit about how I feel . I mean I dont know if you can wrap your head around it but since October, I had become increasingly suicidal. I told him that since coming from a conservative family , he should not have formed relation with me if all this while he was just going to leave me at the appropriate time. I asked him that why didnt you leave when before college your mother denied this relationship altogether , why did he give me hopes of a future. The reply that he gave was that first he was not strong enough back then and secondly he thought that if he left me  then my college studies would have been affected. He also said that since I was so perfect for him and I cared so much for him he wasnt able to leave me back then but now as such he had become strong enough to leave me. But then he should have realised that if he truly loved and cared for me then he should have left me back then , atleast I wouldnt have entered into physical relation and I would not carry the guilt that I carry no. The thing is now I realise that it was always about him , never about me.

    And you are right , there were issues within my family ever since I was a child. Everybody loves me dearly but they had issues amongst themselves.Ever since I was  a child I used to dread coming back home from school because of fear of any kind of unrest or a fight going on. And I was so much sensitive when my parents used to fight that I used to become scared very much.(The situation within my family has improved now ) Most people say that there home is there safe haven but for me it was not so. So the only comfort zone at that time was books.Then I met him ( he was dealing with the early expiring of his father) , he was very much disturbed and emotionally messed up. I dont know maybe that is why I tended to him because I felt that I had met someone who was dealing with emotional challenges. I nurtured him , took him out of depression , I felt him deeply as someone who needed compassion and someone who would support him in his weak moments. I knew back then that he was a very weak man, had a very laid back attitude towards life in general , but I thought that with my affection and care we could transform into better grown individuals. But I was wrong it seems so.

    Yesterday , when I talked with him , he literally said to me that “you are my perfect one “, “I cannot ask for a better partner than you but please try to understand this is very difficult for me too”.I dont understand how do such kind of get away with first wronging their partner and then becoming victim themselves. Imagine someone telling you that you are most wonderful most perfect partner and then after being with you for a long time, telling you that they wont have anything to do with you further. I keep thinking and blaming myself, that why didnt I see this coming , why didnt I see that he would never stand up to me no matter even if I died for me. he would still just say sorry.

    I know you must be thinking that if you already know how bad he was then just stop thinking about him and move on. Thats the most difficult part. The thing is that my love , care and affection all of it was genuine and I cannot digest that after being so good towards someone how can that person cause me so much unimaginable pain and get away just with a sorry. Even after so much time has passed, I cannot stop thinking about him. On some days , I feel anger , on others I feel despair , on some days I feel humiliated , the list goes on an on. I am tired of thinking about him .I have tried so many things to heal myself, like I started writing down my thoughts so that I could vet out my emotions , listened to healing podcasts and a lot more . But every now and then my mind goes back to him. Please help me . I want to get out of this  breakup purgatory .

    #428771
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arctic07:

    I am glad that my sincere praise made you positively smile!

    (I am adding the boldface and italicized features to the quotes): “Yesterday , after almost more than a month of blocking him, I texted him… I asked him that why…did he give me hopes of a future. The reply that he gave was that first he was not strong enough back then… When I met him (he was dealing with the early expiring of his father), he was very much disturbed and emotionally messed up… I nurtured him, took him out of depression… I knew back then that he was a very weak man, had a very laid back attitude towards life in general , but I thought that with my affection and care we could transform into better grown individuals. But I was wrong it seems so.“-

    – what I boldfaced is what he was before you met him, during the relationship and after: a very laid back person, not a fighter, not someone to stand up to people in authority (his mother) or to societal conventions. His mother (supported by societal conventions) tells him what to do, for how long, and he obeys. Standing up to her, going against her, would cause him more distress than he can handle. So, he doesn’t, and it is very unlikely that he will.

    What I italicized is indeed your mistaken thinking at the time: he is who he is because of the influence of his mother (and his father, when he was alive) on his life when he was a child. There is a term for the childhood years, it’s called Formative Years, which means that a person’s attitudes, core beliefs, personality, etc., are formed during the years of childhood. This means that when you met him, he was already formed into a very laid back person who will obey authority and societal conventions, and no amount of care and affection from you, could change who he has become.

    * It doesn’t mean that an adult person cannot make significant changes about himself (or herself); it means that an adult has to be very motivated to change, over a long period of time, to do the work required, and not give up, to be persistent and resilient, and to receive someone’s support in the process.

    “Most people say that there home is there safe haven but for me it was not so. So the only comfort zone at that time was books. Then I met him (he was dealing with the early expiring of his father), he was very much disturbed and emotionally messed up… I nurtured him… I thought that with my affection and care we could transform (him)”-

    – I think that you saw yourself in him and the thinking was (subconsciously): if I help him, he will help me; if I make him feel safe (if I am his safe haven), he will be my safe haven.

    “Even after so much time has passed, I cannot stop thinking about him. On some days, I feel anger, on others I feel despair, on some days I feel humiliated, the list goes on an on. I am tired of thinking about him. I have tried so many things to heal myself… But every now and then my mind goes back to him. Please help me. I want to get out of this breakup purgatory“-

    breakup purgatory, another original term in my book (still impressed with you!)

    I think that he was your hope for a safe haven, and that this hope is still there within you, keeping you in this breakup purgatory. You have put him up on a pedestal, so you shared, as if he was god (powerful enough to give you what you needed for so long, as a child). Here is what I suggest: when you are calm and alone, imagine him on that pedestal and reach up your hand to him, so that he (your image of him) can take your hand and graciously come down from that pedestal, a place where he does not belong. And as he is standing at your level, see him as a person, just another person, not one who is more powerful than you.

    And let me know how this imagery felt like, will you?

    anita

    #428797
    Arctic07
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Your post made me feel clear, even if its for a little while but I was honestly a little sad when your post ended , I wanted to go on a little bit longer and I really appreciate your efforts on the bolding and the italicising .

    So yes, I followed your imagery and I found that he was no extraordinary individual , he was not any wonderful man . But I dont understand why cant I shove him out of my head alltogether. I realise completely that even the love is gone now because of the way he treated me but what I cannot wrap my head around the fact that it seems like he got so tired of me that he just literally threw me out of his life , how did I become so easily disposable for any individual ? how could somebody treat me so lowly and worse how can I still harbor this lingering feeling in my mind about having him back. All this makes me feel as if I am so small not worthy of love ever again. I am scared that what if the next person I fall in love with uses me in the same way or worse mistreats me more than this guy ? Even today , its like I keep thinking about this person the entire day , I just cannot get him out of my head. I honestly want to say that when I last talked to him a few days ago about which I mentioned in my last post, I again said to him that we were not so weak why cannot you fight for me ? Dont you love me etc etc . And his reply is the same that I cannot make my mother live in disgrace for the rest of her life. I dont know what to do .I think that I have not hurted anyone, mistreated anyone never cheated anyone then why after doing everything good why I have to go through this. What have I done to deserve this ?I am a very simple person when it comes to desires, all I ever wanted was a partner whom I could care and nurture , I never even looked at the monetory prospect , even if my partner has a small income its fine with me all I need is a happy home where I can love and feel loved. I never demanded any gifts from him, never demanded to go to expensive restaurants on  dates.All this seemed futile to me.I have never had any desire to dress up in the most recent fashion . To be honest, I never wanted a very high paying job all i wanted from life was an honest partner who would just love me in the most raw manner. This guy I was with, I constantly motivated him all these years to do something better for himself and for his family.When he couldnt find a job, I was so very much worried about his career  .One day after the breakup he said to me that you were like my mother, you did everything for me you left only those things which you couldnt possibly do . I mean like from applying to jobs to asking for referrals for job I did everything.When I was living in with him some time ago, I did all the household chores, cooked meals for him and cared for him like anything like he was the center of the universe. I dont know where is the so called god, why doesnt he see what I did is this what I deserve ?I feel that I was just a part of a large plan where he was planning to leave me at the right appropriate moment when it would hurt him the least.He said that he was also hurting and that he also suffered but i dont belive so, somebody who just decided that he will no longer be with me and said that to me and he didnt even need any other person’s help in getting over me while here i am 4-5 months into this thing and still i need to read posts hear podcasts talk to people to get over him.

    In some days , my job will start and then I am afraid that I  will see people around me happy in relationships all in there 20s straight out of college. I am afraid that how am I going to cope up with being alone . Right now I am at my home and I have so many people around me to love me but what will happen when I will be all alone out there. I am sick of being depressed about this . It feels like a physical wound which just does not heal  no matter what I do.

    I want to be at peace with my life . I want to move on in life . I want to focus on other things in life that give me happiness. But I just can’t.Please help .

    Arctic07

    #428811
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arctic07:

    Thank you for your appreciation, it was a pleasure reading it!

    So yes, I followed your imagery and I found that he was no extraordinary individual, he was not any wonderful man. But I don’t understand why cant I shove him out of my head altogether“- because, like the saying goes, the heart wants what the heart wants. It won’t listen to reason.

    what I cannot wrap my head around, the fact that it seems like he got so tired of me that he just literally threw me out of his life, how did I become so easily disposable for any individual?“- think of it this way, if you will: if he didn’t throw you out of his life, his mother would have thrown him out of her life in some significant way. I figure that in his mind, society (his religion-society) would throw him out.. and he’d be all alone. Well, he’d have you in his life, but his mother and religion-society are significantly more important to him. To his defense, he was raised this way.

    how could somebody treat me so lowly and worse, how can I still harbor this lingering feeling in my mind about having him back“- .. again, the heart wants what the heart wants. Be patient with your heart: it doesn’t understand the language you use for thinking. It speaks a different (non-verbal) language.

    I am scared that what if the next person I fall in love with uses me in the same way or worse mistreats me more than this guy?“- learn all that you can learn from this experience so that it doesn’t repeat itself, as in history-on-repeat. By learning, I mean rational learning and heart-learning, getting to understand your heart more and more.

    Even today, it’s like I keep thinking about this person the entire day, I just cannot get him out of my head… I again said to him that we were not so weak, why cannot you fight for me? Don’t you love me etc. etc. . And his reply is the same that I cannot make my mother live in disgrace for the rest of her life“- he gave you his honest answer. And as I said before, his mother is way more important to him than you are. It’s not that he doesn’t, or didn’t love you, it’s that he loves his mother more. Never underestimate (again) the love and loyalty of a man- in a society as traditional as in India- to his mother.

    I have not hurt anyone, mistreat anyone, never cheated anyone, then why after doing everything good, why I have to go through this. What have I done to deserve this?“- life is not fair, Arctic07. It hasn’t been fair from the beginning of times. Sometimes fairness/ justice takes place, and we, as individuals can do our best to promote justice, but to expect fairness and justice in our world is sadly unrealistic.

    I am a very simple person when it comes to desires.. I never demanded any gifts from him, never demanded to go to expensive restaurants on  dates“- I share your attitude, having simple desires, not being materialistic.

    “One day after the breakup he said to me that you were like my mother, you did everything for me… When I was living in with him some time ago, I did all the household chores, cooked meals for him and cared for him like anything like he was the center of the universe“- sadly for you, he already has a mother and she.. placed herself in the center of his universe: he’ll marry who she wants him to marry.

    He said that he was also hurting and that he also suffered but I don’t believe so“- from what you shared, seems to me that he did suffer.

    In some days, my job will start… Right now I am at my home and I have so many people around me to love me but what will happen when I will be all alone out there“- I intend to be here for you when your job starts, so you won’t be as alone… if it helps you.

    “I am sick of being depressed about this… I want to be at peace with my life . I want to move on in life. I want to focus on other things in life that give me happiness. But I just can’t. Please help“- be patient with your heart. It doesn’t speak the language of reason. It is hurting and it wants your attention, to make it feel better. Think of your heart as a baby that needs a good mother to take care of it, to talk to it with a gentle voice, to soothe it.

    anita

     

    #428813
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Artic07

    Each time you go over what happened, telling the story over & over in your head you are opening up that wound & pouring salt  into it. Mindfulness techniques help to make you aware that you are no longer present heart centered but have slipped into the past or future ego brain centered. The more we practice being present we are able to untangle ourselves more quickly and see the storylines that bring about the additional suffering to are already tender heart.

    Roberta

    #428947
    Arctic07
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    First of all , I am extremely thankful to you for saying that you will be here for me and I wont be alone .When I read that I felt a weight lift off from my heart.Now , I will try to follow your procedure of writing to make it a little bit of easy to follow.

    “if he didn’t throw you out of his life, his mother would have thrown him out of her life in some significant way. I figure that in his mind, society (his religion-society) would throw him out.. and he’d be all alone. Well, he’d have you in his life, but his mother and religion-society are significantly more important to him. To his defense, he was raised this way.”-  So you are trying to tell me that , his religion-society was always more important to him always ? That he was fooling himself into thinking that one day he would stand up for me when deep down he knew he never would ?And what do you mean when you say ” To his defense, he was raised this way.” Is it  that he tried to make me understand this thing and I refused to understand it and I was forcibly in relationship with him for this long?And because I wouldnt listen to him , therefore he decided on his own that when he can no longer carry this forward , he would leave me . This was his whole plan all along?

     

    “he gave you his honest answer. And as I said before, his mother is way more important to him than you are. It’s not that he doesn’t, or didn’t love you, it’s that he loves his mother more. Never underestimate (again) the love and loyalty of a man- in a society as traditional as in India- to his mother.” – I never wanted him to choose between me and his mother all I wanted or thought was that someone who has honor would atleast fight for the cause of his love. That is to say, if he loves someone and if the scene is as serious as mine then he would convince his mother of our relationship , I know that when it comes to inter-religion marriage in India, it takes a lot of strength. But this guy he did not even put up a honest fight for me . If he was so weak then why did he harbor a relationship for so long , he should have ended things long ago in the most brutal manner that he did now?He could have just left me in the most horrible way like now and turned deaf and blind to my woes and sorrows. On one hand he says that he loved me but he did not even took up the fight or did not even fought till the last opportunity ran out. We had a practical solution with us . We had planned that we would go abroad then when we find a job over there we would be considered as somewhat over-achievers in our respective families then we will try to convince our respective families. I have heard scenarios where people convince their families for years for the person that they love.But then again are you trying to tell me that he would naturally love any girl his mother brings for him and that in this whole scene , I am literally used and disposed off?That in his entire life , his mother shall control his life forever and that whoever girl he marries will remain second important to him after his mother . Could it have been possible that I could have loved him a little more or did something in some other way so that he would stand upto me?Could he fight for another girl ? Could some other girl love him more than I did?

    ” sadly for you, he already has a mother and she.. placed herself in the center of his universe: he’ll marry who she wants him to marry.” – If there would have been some other woman in the picture for whom he would have left me then that would have been bad very bad but here , I know that he left me because he was more loyal towards his mother which is something i adored in him . I initially loved him maybe because he was so close towards his family( you will recall that I craved a happy home and good relationship with family back then) but now I am worried that what if I never found somebody as good as him . Or worse like it is in India , I would have to go for an arranged marriage set-up after a few years , if i am stuck with a man who is not compassionate enough , who doesnt love me as hard as he did. What if I never find somebody better than him ?I am scared that I will end up comparing the other guy with him and the other guy would fail or not give me enough love care and attention . I am very much scared about this. Somewhere deep down in my heart I believe that I lost a gem a true gem and i wouldnt share that amazing compatibility with anyone on earth.And I am also scared that any girl will replace me in his life but nobody will replace him in my life.

    can you please help me with this?

    #428950
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Artico7

    I noticed in your  last paragraph reply to Anita there were many “if” scenarios of a  perceived negative projected future .

    How is this for a rethink. I am lucky, I am now free, I can now encounter a man who has a healthy connection to his family, who is kind and compassionate and I will be welcomed into the family just as I am and in the meantime I will fill my life with joy & beauty.  As you say these things note how you feel in your body & mind.

    Kind regards

    Roberta

    #428965
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Artico7:

    You are welcome, and thank you for expressing your appreciation!

    So you are trying to tell me that, his religion-society was always more important to him always?“- yes. He was trained to believe this way since he was a young boy.

    “That he was fooling himself into thinking that one day he would stand up for me when deep down he knew he never would?“-I imagine that at times he hoped that his mother will allow a marriage with you, and maybe he put in some effort into getting her approval.

    This was his whole plan all along?“- I don’t think that he was a cold-hearted man with an evil plan to use and abuse you. After all, he told his mother about you early on, and told you her answer (that marriage is not possible). So, he was honest with you about this exchange early on.

    Arctic07, I know all this is very difficult for you and you are hurting at this time. I also know much of life is unfair and that as individuals, most- if not all of us- are victims to societal injustices carried on through generations. Nonetheless, I want you to shift your attitude from that of a Victim to that of a Powerful woman, one who has some power (not complete power, of course) over your life. This new attitude will ease your suffering, give you strength, and it will increase the likelihood that today, and every day, you will make the best choices from what is available to you.

    I never wanted him to choose between me and his mother, all I wanted or thought, was that someone who has honor would at least fight for the cause of his love… I know that when it comes to inter-religion marriage in India, it takes a lot of strength. But this guy, he did not even put up a honest fight for me . If he was so weak then why did he harbor a relationship for so long..“?- because of his feelings for you and about you. I think that he was scared to leave you earlier partly because of how much you told him that you needed him. I think that he was afraid that if he left you (and he told you so), you would do badly in college, or quit college, or otherwise, that you will be hurt too much and you wouldn’t be able to function.

    He could have just left me in the most horrible way like now and turned deaf and blind to my woes and sorrows“- I think that you have let him hear a lot about your woes and sorrows (aka guilt-tripping) so that he won’t break up with you, and instead fight for you and marry you. Didn’t you?

    are you trying to tell me that he would naturally love any girl his mother brings for him“- no, of course not. What’s love (the feeling of love) got to do with arranged marriages anyway?

    In this whole scene, I am literally used and disposed off?“- in this whole scene, as I see it, you were not and are not a piece of trash that was disposed off. You knowingly got into an inter-faith relationship in a conservative society where such relationships are disapproved of, and like the great majority of such relationships in your society, it did not result in marriage.

    Could it have been possible that I could have loved him a little more or did something in some other way so that he would stand up (for) me?“- no, I don’t think so.

    Could he fight for another girl? Could some other girl love him more than I did?“- my answers: no and no.

    “I initially loved him maybe because he was so close towards his family (you will recall that I craved a happy home and good relationship with family back then)“- I understand, and this makes me feel for you. I personally know the strong the craving for a safe, happy home.

    but now I am worried that what if I never found somebody as good as him. Or worse like it is in India, I would have to go for an arranged marriage set-up after a few years, if I am stuck with a man who is not compassionate enough… I am very much scared about this… Can you please help me with this?“- gently hush your anxious mind, your worries… slow down your anxious thoughts. It can be okay, even better than okay: you can find another gem, a lifetime partner, and look back at your worries with relief. But it will take courage on your part, the courage to shift your attitude to that of a powerful woman: a woman who can and will put the power that is available to her into practice, fairly and realistically.

    anita

     

    #428953
    YOR
    Participant

    This is the first time I am using an online platform to express myself and to seek help. I was in a relationship of almost 2 years where I met my ex boyfriend and he was super kind, super nice, just absolutely perfect in all ways. We moved in the same home, we were working in Europe at that time. Ofcourse, we got closer, and everything felt like a dream – was always happy, till I had to decide to resign from my job because of toxic environment and I moved back to India for a few months before joining another job in europe, different country which is very good for my career. I love my job, i love my work.

    My ex supported me during the tough times and we used to talk on phone every day, I stayed up and waited till he would be free.

    Since my family is liberal, I told my family about him and introduced him to my family and they were happy. He told about me to his family last year in November when he visited India. And I was in India waiting for my visa, so I told him that I can visit him for his birthday and also greet his parents. He refused. Later, his father was in my city very nearby, another chance to meet… but he told me that his father does not want to meet me because I am not Hindu. I am Jain. But he always knew about my religion and his parents right… it is extremely upsetting to see how he completely changed after this discussion.

    He said that i should start believing in black magic if i want to marry him, start wearing “tabiz” for my protection else I will not live long, and many more things that were difficult for me to adapt to. I requested him to give me some time and if he could atleast let our parents talk once and meet once. It will give a better view about everything.

    I almost had to force and beg him to visit me in the country i arrived for my new job because i didnt have schengen visa to visit him. When he came to meet me, he got some of my clothes as well which were left at his home. But he was so cold, so distant, wouldn’t even hug or kiss me. When i leaned in for a kiss because i was extremely excited to meet him after 10 months, he just pushed me away and looked away. This affected my self esteem and i felt so humiliated. I dont know if i am correct to feel this way, but it was not something that we never did. Higs and kisses were normal and common between us. He was extremely distant and formal. I cried a lot and asked him why is he so distant, i wore good clothes for him, made my best attempt to look good. I asked him if he doesnt like how i look, or if he wants me to change anything, i will do so, but atleast he shouldnt be so distant to me. Finally we were both in europe and things would have become so easy, we could have gone around, had fun, everything would have been perfect. But he didnt seem in love at all.

    A week later, he pushed me to my limit by testing my patience in everything – asking if i will adapt to his religion fully, do all the prayers, black magic and all… till prayers and adapting to hus religion i was fine, but black magic and things of that sort i am a bit not into it… i am sorry. And then blamed me that i get angry and i may not make a good life partner.

    I was always told that i get angry and i am short tempered, but he never realized that why would i lose my calm… everything was so intense and ugly that at the end he told my parents on a call that I will have to do as his family says, and if it affects my work, he can do nothing about it. My father asked him to share contact details of his parents so that they can talk. But he never did. I had to leave this phone call in the middle because it broke me apart. It has been almost 2 months that i have not spoken to him. I feel upset regularly. I miss him. I loved him a lot. I have very strong emotions for him.

     

    Just for background, i have been a meritorious student throughout. And apart from academics, I am also professionally trained in fine arts. I know how to cook. And I am a very organized person in general.

    I was ready to spend my life with him forever. Accept almost all his relgious beliefs and even wear only traditional clothes if he says. But he just came so cold. Now he has asked me to collect my stuff from his home. And also, he owed me some money because i paid some of the bills of his apartment even when i was not living there and he had found another housemate, i did not bother because for me he was my family member. When asked to transfer it, he transferred 3/4th of the amount and said that he wont transfer everything because he spent that money over visiting me and giving me birthday gifts. It hurts me that he even said that. So hard to believe because i also did my best in the relationship.

     

    Please help me find peace. I feel guilty, maybe i could have adjusted and saved us. Maybe if i kept my mouth shut instead of expressing how i felt, we would have been together. Maybe.

     

    I am sorry if my message is not organized, when it comes to expressing emotions about this topic, I am upset and i dont do well.

     

    My coping mechanism has been working non stop, which may help me some day feel that i am not useless atleast.

    I feel so guilty that my parents had to see me this upset and they suffered with me, seeing me suffer. I want to be a good daughter and a good sister who helps her family and supports them. Not the one who makes them cry.

     

    #428967
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear YOR:

    I read your story and I feel badly for your pain. There are significant similarities between your story and that of Arctic07’s, and I am looking forward to read Arctic07’s reply to your story, when she is able, as she too is in pain.

    “he was super kind, super nice, just absolutely perfect in all ways… he owed me some money because I paid some of the bills of his apartment even when I was not living there, and he had found another housemate. I did not bother because for me, he was my family member. When asked to transfer it, he transferred 3/4th of the amount and said that he wont transfer everything because he spent that money over visiting me and giving me birthday gifts“-

    – What I boldfaced in the above quote shows me that from the beginning of the relationship, although he appeared super kind and perfect in all ways, he was not genuinely these things. It takes a cold, calculating, very unempathetic person to be so petty toward a woman who has been so loving and so generous toward him.

    You did your best with him and your father tried too, but your ex-boyfriend was not available to reason.

    I have been a meritorious student throughout. And apart from academics, I am also professionally trained in fine arts. I know how to cook. And I am a very organized person in general. ..Please help me find peace. I feel guilty, maybe I could have adjusted and saved us. Maybe if I kept my mouth shut instead of expressing how I felt, we would have been together. Maybe“-

    – May you find peace in knowing, really knowing, that your strong emotions for this man clouded your vision of him. I hope that you realize that you mistook him for someone he was not. I am sure that there were times when his affection for you was genuine, and the best of him shone through, but those times did not indicate who he is long-term.

    May your sense of self-worth be based on you being and having been long-term, the loving, caring daughter and sister that you are, and on the hard, long-term work that you put into becoming a meritorious student and professional.. and not on this man’s coldness and unreasonableness.

    anita

    #430208
    YOR
    Participant

     

    Dear Anita,

    I read Arctic07’s experience, which is much more difficult than mine as they were together for much longer. I feel for her, and I hope she recovers soon.

     

    Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. It is difficult to imagine life without him because he is all that I had. He did not like my friends so i had to create distance between my friends. Now I am in a different country, and it takes time to adapt to the culture and make friends, but I am trying. He has a lot of friends, and I have just 1 who stays very far. All of this has let to insomnia, i have not slept properly since the day we separated.

     

    And i cannot deny that i still feel like texting him because he was the only person i had, i feel like saving our relationship in some way. I clearly know that he is not interested in me, and still, I think about him and us. I know this is extremely insane and stupid on my part.

     

    Also, he recently texted my mother to let me know that I shall quickly remove my stuff from his apartment. There are some memories and photos of some very close relatives who are no more, and if it is thrown, I will never forgive myself. Since I dont have friends there, I am having a tough time to collect it. My parents have applied for visa but it will take 2 or 3 months.

    The trust I had over love and commitment is broken. I can’t even get angry over him, I loved him so much.

    I am wondering if I shall contact him once regarding my things at his apartment, but I am scared that it will affect me mentally and emotionally a lot.

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