Dear Anitta,

Thank you for your reply.

For the part where I mentioned getting angry  – I am a very peaceful person in general. During the relationship I don’t remember loudly fighting with him or using bad words. I respected him a lot, always. Whenever we spoke about our future plans, or anything about commitment, initally there were no arguments, everything was super normal, he always said that his family is super accepting. But later, he just became too cold, and oddly rigid over things he knows I cannot do. Like leaving my job, or letting him decide alone what and where I shall work. Apart from this, he also told me that I will need to pray for 1-3 hrs daily, which is quite a lot in my eyes. I am religious but not at this level. He always knew this. On such discussions, I tried to adjust as much as I can, but he would still show me angry eyes, you know… the way someone looks in the eyes.. that gives an uncomfortable feeling…. that way. I could not deal with this and I would get angry. I admit that I shouted twice in anger at him. Regretted it so much later because of my immense love for him. But he always told me that I shall just listen to him, and i really tried to, most of the times. Unfortunately, sometimes, if I don’t agree with something, I cannot lie. I cannot act. It is not in my nature.

The last time we spoke. I was begging him to save our relationship by being a little open minded and he said he cannot promise future but can casually continue dating me. This was too disrespectful for me, and I told him that I can either talk to him in full commitment, or not. And i told him that he knows how to contact me, if he changes his mind. I don’t think he will ever contact me…

About my stuff, I am in a different country in Europe, and to send it to this address would be an issue, too much work for him. Also I do not want to contact him because it affects my mental peace, which I need for my work. I work in a laboratory… so it is essential for me to have a good concentration throughout the day.

Regarding the friendships I had… a few of them were professional dancers and singers… so it was fun to spend time with them for me, as I am also professionally trained in both. He did not like that my friends (and myself too) used to drink alcohol. But not to the extent of losing control and getting sick obviously.  We were responsible drinkers, who drank once a week during the weekend. I had friends of different nationalities as well.

He has all friends from his nationality.  And they watched podcast, they also drank alcohol and smoked (a lot). My ex used to smoke and drink a lot, but he told me that he stopped all of that because he started following his religion seriously shortly before I met him.

For me, personally, his friends didn’t have much substance in them, a bit shallow for me. Not too passionate about their work, or about any other activity… Excuse me for saying this, please. I did not have much to talk to them, because they talked about some podcasts about some sort of witchcraft and I don’t know much about it as I have not watched any podcasts. I can talk about different things… but not anything negative generally. I am sensitive (which is easy to comprehend about me)

I am trying to arrange someone to collect my stuff from his apartment, I hope it works out.

I hope you are doing well. Thanks for everything. And also to this platform, because this feels like my safe space.

This is the first time I am using an online platform to express myself and to seek help. I was in a relationship of almost 2 years where I met my ex boyfriend and he was super kind, super nice, just absolutely perfect in all ways. We moved in the same home, we were working in Europe at that time. Ofcourse, we got closer, and everything felt like a dream – was always happy, till I had to decide to resign from my job because of toxic environment and I moved back to India for a few months before joining another job in europe, different country which is very good for my career. I love my job, i love my work.

My ex supported me during the tough times and we used to talk on phone every day, I stayed up and waited till he would be free.

Since my family is liberal, I told my family about him and introduced him to my family and they were happy. He told about me to his family last year in November when he visited India. And I was in India waiting for my visa, so I told him that I can visit him for his birthday and also greet his parents. He refused. Later, his father was in my city very nearby, another chance to meet… but he told me that his father does not want to meet me because I am not Hindu. I am Jain. But he always knew about my religion and his parents right… it is extremely upsetting to see how he completely changed after this discussion.

He said that i should start believing in black magic if i want to marry him, start wearing “tabiz” for my protection else I will not live long, and many more things that were difficult for me to adapt to. I requested him to give me some time and if he could atleast let our parents talk once and meet once. It will give a better view about everything.

I almost had to force and beg him to visit me in the country i arrived for my new job because i didnt have schengen visa to visit him. When he came to meet me, he got some of my clothes as well which were left at his home. But he was so cold, so distant, wouldn’t even hug or kiss me. When i leaned in for a kiss because i was extremely excited to meet him after 10 months, he just pushed me away and looked away. This affected my self esteem and i felt so humiliated. I dont know if i am correct to feel this way, but it was not something that we never did. Higs and kisses were normal and common between us. He was extremely distant and formal. I cried a lot and asked him why is he so distant, i wore good clothes for him, made my best attempt to look good. I asked him if he doesnt like how i look, or if he wants me to change anything, i will do so, but atleast he shouldnt be so distant to me. Finally we were both in europe and things would have become so easy, we could have gone around, had fun, everything would have been perfect. But he didnt seem in love at all.

A week later, he pushed me to my limit by testing my patience in everything – asking if i will adapt to his religion fully, do all the prayers, black magic and all… till prayers and adapting to hus religion i was fine, but black magic and things of that sort i am a bit not into it… i am sorry. And then blamed me that i get angry and i may not make a good life partner.

I was always told that i get angry and i am short tempered, but he never realized that why would i lose my calm… everything was so intense and ugly that at the end he told my parents on a call that I will have to do as his family says, and if it affects my work, he can do nothing about it. My father asked him to share contact details of his parents so that they can talk. But he never did. I had to leave this phone call in the middle because it broke me apart. It has been almost 2 months that i have not spoken to him. I feel upset regularly. I miss him. I loved him a lot. I have very strong emotions for him.

Just for background, i have been a meritorious student throughout. And apart from academics, I am also professionally trained in fine arts. I know how to cook. And I am a very organized person in general.

I was ready to spend my life with him forever. Accept almost all his relgious beliefs and even wear only traditional clothes if he says. But he just came so cold. Now he has asked me to collect my stuff from his home. And also, he owed me some money because i paid some of the bills of his apartment even when i was not living there and he had found another housemate, i did not bother because for me he was my family member. When asked to transfer it, he transferred 3/4th of the amount and said that he wont transfer everything because he spent that money over visiting me and giving me birthday gifts. It hurts me that he even said that. So hard to believe because i also did my best in the relationship.

Please help me find peace. I feel guilty, maybe i could have adjusted and saved us. Maybe if i kept my mouth shut instead of expressing how i felt, we would have been together. Maybe.

I am sorry if my message is not organized, when it comes to expressing emotions about this topic, I am upset and i dont do well.

My coping mechanism has been working non stop, which may help me some day feel that i am not useless atleast.

I feel so guilty that my parents had to see me this upset and they suffered with me, seeing me suffer. I want to be a good daughter and a good sister who helps her family and supports them. Not the one who makes them cry.