Home→Forums→Relationships→Cant Move on from the most devastating break-up
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March 27, 2024 at 8:48 am #430219anitaParticipant
How are you, Arctic07?
Dear YOR:
You are welcome!
I just re-read your first post and I was wondering in regard to what you shared here: “I was always told that I get angry and I am short tempered… Maybe if I kept my mouth shut instead of expressing how I felt, we would have been together“- do you mean that during the relationship with him, you were repeatedly angry and short tempered with him (although you loved him).. maybe raising your voice at him, shaming him with words, perhaps?
I ask, not because I have reason to believe so (you appear kind and empathetic in your writing), but just so to address this possibility for a better understanding on my part. I hope that you are okay with me addressing this possibility.
Back to your 2nd post: “He did not like my friends so I had to create distance between my friends… He has a lot of friends“- I wonder, what did he dislike about your friends, and what kinds of friends does he have, what’s the nature of their friendships (if you know)?
“It is difficult to imagine life without him because he is all that I had… I have not slept properly since the day we separated… I feel like saving our relationship in some way. I clearly know that he is not interested in me, and still, I think about him and us. I know this is extremely insane and stupid on my part“- it’s not stupid on your part, there is a saying: the heart wants what the heart wants, and there is no reasoning when it comes to a deep, intense longing for another person.
Please aim at resuming your pre-breakup sleep quality, there are practices that can help, such as listening to calming guided meditations at bedtime. Sleeping better will help your state of mind and heart.
“Also, he recently texted my mother to let me know that I shall quickly remove my stuff from his apartment… I am having a tough time to collect it… I am wondering if I shall contact him once regarding my things at his apartment, but I am scared that it will affect me mentally and emotionally a lot.“- what about him mailing the stuff to you, or dropping it at your place when you are at work, so that there is no personal contact?
anita
April 1, 2024 at 8:37 am #430420YORParticipantDear Anitta,
Thank you for your reply.
For the part where I mentioned getting angry – I am a very peaceful person in general. During the relationship I don’t remember loudly fighting with him or using bad words. I respected him a lot, always. Whenever we spoke about our future plans, or anything about commitment, initally there were no arguments, everything was super normal, he always said that his family is super accepting. But later, he just became too cold, and oddly rigid over things he knows I cannot do. Like leaving my job, or letting him decide alone what and where I shall work. Apart from this, he also told me that I will need to pray for 1-3 hrs daily, which is quite a lot in my eyes. I am religious but not at this level. He always knew this. On such discussions, I tried to adjust as much as I can, but he would still show me angry eyes, you know… the way someone looks in the eyes.. that gives an uncomfortable feeling…. that way. I could not deal with this and I would get angry. I admit that I shouted twice in anger at him. Regretted it so much later because of my immense love for him. But he always told me that I shall just listen to him, and i really tried to, most of the times. Unfortunately, sometimes, if I don’t agree with something, I cannot lie. I cannot act. It is not in my nature.
The last time we spoke. I was begging him to save our relationship by being a little open minded and he said he cannot promise future but can casually continue dating me. This was too disrespectful for me, and I told him that I can either talk to him in full commitment, or not. And i told him that he knows how to contact me, if he changes his mind. I don’t think he will ever contact me…
About my stuff, I am in a different country in Europe, and to send it to this address would be an issue, too much work for him. Also I do not want to contact him because it affects my mental peace, which I need for my work. I work in a laboratory… so it is essential for me to have a good concentration throughout the day.
Regarding the friendships I had… a few of them were professional dancers and singers… so it was fun to spend time with them for me, as I am also professionally trained in both. He did not like that my friends (and myself too) used to drink alcohol. But not to the extent of losing control and getting sick obviously. We were responsible drinkers, who drank once a week during the weekend. I had friends of different nationalities as well.
He has all friends from his nationality. And they watched podcast, they also drank alcohol and smoked (a lot). My ex used to smoke and drink a lot, but he told me that he stopped all of that because he started following his religion seriously shortly before I met him.
For me, personally, his friends didn’t have much substance in them, a bit shallow for me. Not too passionate about their work, or about any other activity… Excuse me for saying this, please. I did not have much to talk to them, because they talked about some podcasts about some sort of witchcraft and I don’t know much about it as I have not watched any podcasts. I can talk about different things… but not anything negative generally. I am sensitive (which is easy to comprehend about me)
I am trying to arrange someone to collect my stuff from his apartment, I hope it works out.
I hope you are doing well. Thanks for everything. And also to this platform, because this feels like my safe space.
April 1, 2024 at 10:24 am #430426anitaParticipantDear YOR:
You are welcome, I am well, thank you. I am glad that you feel safe here!
“About my stuff, I am in a different country in Europe… I am trying to arrange someone to collect my stuff from his apartment, I hope it works out“- your mental health is way more important than stuff. I hope that you do get your stuff back without negative consequences to you.
His expectation or demand that you pray 1- 3 hours every day.. to a god or entity that you don’t believe in is absurd!
“Later, he just became too cold, and oddly rigid over things he knows I cannot do. Like leaving my job, or letting him decide alone what and where I shall work… I tried to adjust as much as I can, but he would still show me angry eyes, you know.. the way someone looks in the eyes.. that gives an uncomfortable feeling“- controlling, angry and absurd!
“The last time we spoke. I was begging him to save our relationship by being a little open minded and he said he cannot promise future but can casually continue dating me. This was too disrespectful to me“- controlling, angry, absurd and disrespectful.
In your first post, you wrote about your ex-boyfriend: “he was super kind, super nice, just absolutely perfect in all ways. We moved in the same home, we were working in Europe at that time”– maybe, once in Europe, away from his family, local friends, etc., he took a break from his country/ his family and from his usual self, from the ways he behaved when in India, a temporary break.
“He has all friends from his nationality… I did not have much to talk to them, because they talked about some podcasts about some sort of witchcraft“- reads like radicalization: “the process by which an individual or a group comes to adopt increasingly radical views in opposition to a political, social, or religious status quo”, Wikipedia.
Maybe it’s both, to one extent or another. Maybe it’s mostly the latter, some sort of a religious radicalization he went through recently, which changed him from the previously super-kind, super-nice, absolutely-perfect-in-all-ways person that he was.. (for a while) to the opposite: someone super-controlling, super-angry, super-rude, etc.
What do you think?
anita
April 8, 2024 at 6:07 pm #431443anitaParticipantHow are you, YOR? Arctic07?
anita
April 21, 2024 at 6:48 am #431887Ingrid GuerciParticipantOnly trees cannot move. You are not a tree; thus you can move on. It was never your fault that he left you. The man who truly cares about you will not leave you. Thus you must accept that he was not right for you. You made a mistake and are learning from it. Always learn from your mistakes so that you will not repeat, analyze what went wrong before you get into another wrong relationship.
April 21, 2024 at 8:04 am #431905anitaParticipantDear Ingrid Guerci:
What an interesting wording/ analogy: only trees cannot move. I like it, never read/ heard it before. I also like your simply presented advice: to learn from our mistakes so to not repeat. I hope to read from you again in this and/ or other threads.
anita
July 1, 2024 at 1:17 pm #434489YORParticipantDear Ingrid Guerci, and anita,
Thank you for your message. I am in my new job focusing only on my work – which I absolutely love. I feel uneasy, and lonely. Also betrayed. Because the false promises made to me took a toll over my health. I am regaining my health and trying to improve as a person.
I really liked the statement by Ingrid Guerci. I had promised myself that i will wait for him for 6 months. 6 months are over. I spoke to my parents and they were supportive – as usual. I am blessed. But i still think about him. My musical instruments and some other things related to art arrived to my place recently. In those things, a different book appeared – about karma and his religion. I had a feeling to read it… or open it… but I didn’t yet.
Maybe I am just overthinking. Because I dont think he would spend a single minute thinking about me. I cannot comprehend how people change so easily.
I am tbankful for the support I have gotten here. And I will keep in touch. I hope noone goes through this type of heartbreak ever.
With my kindest regards.
July 1, 2024 at 4:24 pm #434509anitaParticipantDear YOR:
You are very welcome, and I am glad to read from you again, and to read and that you will keep in touch!
Good things: you are regaining your health, you absolutely love your new job, and your parents are supportive of you!
“In those things, a different book appeared – about karma and his religion. I had a feeling to read it.. or open it.. but I didn’t yet“- better donate it to a library, I am thinking.
“I cannot comprehend how people change so easily“- fully accept that he changed, grieve the man he was and is no more, and you will move on.
anita
August 5, 2024 at 11:07 pm #435855YORParticipantDear anita,
Thanks a lot for your supporting reply. It was very difficult, and I still feel it is.. to get completely over what happened. I had spent so much time thinking about him and about the things I would like to do for him, that it seems inevitable to not remember him. But I try to also remember how he hurt me so much, and the fact that he just didnt ever bother to try to come back save our relationship.
I dont know if i ever mentioned this before or not, if I did please excuse me and ignore my repetition (I notice I tend to be repetitive when I am hurt). When he visited me the last time, I met him after 10 months, and I leaned over for a kiss (which is normal in our relationship) he stopped me, and when I tried hugging, he pushed me away. Such actions made me feel so unloved that I feel like I will never find anyone in my life, and there were many more similar instances, where he made me feel this way. And being alone for the whole of my life scares the hell out of me – I am a bit cowardly in this.
I know that I should move on. And I thonk after 7-8 months now, I am getting comfortable in my own company, being alone and not feeling lonely. But whenever the thought of future comes in my mind, I feel so uneasy. And I hate to admit this, but a part of me is still hoping that everything will fall into place and he will come back and save our relationship and I will be with him.
Thanks for being there, this forum has given me an opportunity to actually express myself. I do it with my family too, but it is different. I have never been a part of any social media, but this forum has really been important for me.
August 6, 2024 at 9:39 am #435865anitaParticipantDear YOR:
Good to read from you again, you are welcome, and thank you for expressing your appreciation!
“It was very difficult, and I still feel it is.. to get completely over what happened“- understandably, it’s been painful, still is.
“I tend to be repetitive when I am hurt“- I tend to be repetitive, hurt or not (lol), therefore, I am not one to judge you for repeating!
“When he visited me the last time, I met him after 10 months, and I leaned over for a kiss (which is normal in our relationship) he stopped me, and when I tried hugging, he pushed me away. Such actions made me feel so unloved that I feel like I will never find anyone in my life… And being alone for the whole of my life scares the hell out of me – I am a bit cowardly in this“-
– the man who stopped you when you leaned over for a kiss, the man who pushed you away when you tried hugging him, is also a man who calls on evil spirits to serve him, a man who demanded that you “start believing in black magic… adapt to his religion fully, do all the prayers, black magic and all” (March 24).
I am thinking that as long as you stay away from men who try to pull evil spirits into their lives (and into others’ lives), you are likely to find a man who will not push you away, and therefore, you will not be alone for long!
“I know that I should move on. And I think after 7-8 months now, I am getting comfortable in my own company, being alone and not feeling lonely“- good thing!
“But whenever the thought of future comes in my mind, I feel so uneasy. And I hate to admit this, but a part of me is still hoping that everything will fall into place and he will come back and save our relationship and I will be with him“-
– the future is unknown, so that causes you anxiety. The past is known, and when you remember the good parts (“my ex boyfriend… was super kind, super nice, just absolutely perfect in all ways.. we got closer, and everything felt like a dream… My ex supported me during the tough times“, March 24), the memories give you comfort/ lessen your anxiety. So, no wonder that part of you is hoping for the good memories to return to real-life.
I hope to read from you again- anytime you feel like sharing your thoughts and feelings, fears and longings, and more.
anita
September 7, 2024 at 3:52 am #437082YORParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for your response. I am sorry for not getting back to you timely because I was travelling for work. Thank you for your support during all this time and for understanding my repetitive behaviour!
I am trying to do better, I became quite non social for a long time and didnt talk to anyone. I am now thinking of resuming my real self and being social – talking to people, going out with people, making more friends, etc.
As more time passes by… weird realizations slap me in the face, on how blind I was. When I met hin the first time, he was just like me, not too religious, having faith, but also enjoying, drinking at a bar, talking to everyone, he even smoked a lot (which I dont because I am also a professionally trained singer). Then one day he just told me that he has his religious calling. So he stopped entering bars, he would go in only when he is not wearing is rudraksha mala, i respected it. Then during the times of festivals, like navratri for example, he would ask me to not even touch him. And he prayed 1 hour every day. So I accepted all this. But all this time sharing the same bed with me was never a problem?? And I never saw this as a problem? I could have preserved myself if I noticed this. But I thought he is the one. Now the realization hits. I am 25 years old. And I am alone in a different country. I am trying my best to be strong. I am independent and I have my company as I mentioned before. But all this baggage on me… is what pulls me back. I understand I should not think of him. I am sure he is not at all thinking of me, I know him enough to say that he is doing well with his beliefs.
Also, don’t mind me saying this… I feel like I am too old now, and I will never get anyone in my life, and it is kindof scary to be alone my entire life you know…
All this came into my head after one of my childhood friends suddenly got in touch with me after a year. Generally she used to talk to me a lot, but when I started working at my second job, she kind of became distant, I felt bad because I never understood this distance. Maybe because she was busy looking for a job… she did her engineering and didnt find a job since covid till now.
When she got in touch I was so happy, spoke to her, and she asked me how is he doing (she knew because i told her the last time we spoke and that time I was with him). When I told her that I separated because his parents didnt like me without meeting me because I am from a big city where the culture is more open, and I also have a different religion, and they preferred a housewife and very religious person.. she said and I quote,”Good for you, you dont deserve to spoil anybody’s life. You just care about your work and yourself. You are selfish and you will die alone, never find anyone because all of us can look through you.”
I mean, I do love working, that is why Iwork… right? Hearing this from my childhood friend, was so painful. I am not selfish. I try to help. I do spend a lot of time working, but I also spend time following my hobbies.
Her words hurt me bad, and now I kind of believe them because she is an old friend who i thought knows me a lot.
I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for creating this platform where we can be ourselves and noone judges us. Best regards.
September 7, 2024 at 8:55 am #437088anitaParticipantDear YOR:
You are very welcome, and good to read from you again, a bit over a month since you posted last! (I did not create this platform though: I am a member here, just like you!)
“one day he just told me that he has his religious calling. So he stopped entering bars… But all this time sharing the same bed with me was never a problem?? And I never saw this as a problem? I could have preserved myself if I noticed this. But I thought he is the one“- from where you are now, being outside the relationship for months, you can look back- with some distance- and see things you were not able to see when you were in the relationship. When you were in the relationship, there was no distance between your heart (emotion) and mind (logic). In other words, your heart ruled, and as the saying goes, the heart wants what the heart wants: it wanted to see that he was the one, so that’s what it saw. (It didn’t want to see evidence that he may not be the one.. so, it didn’t).
Fast forward, there is some distance between your heart and mind, and.. logic has its say: you can see his inconsistencies, such as the one you mentioned (evidence that he is not the one for you).
“I am 25… I feel like I am too old now, and I will never get anyone in my life, and it is kind of scary to be alone my entire life you know“- notice that what scares you is not being alone for your entire life (it didn’t happen; it is not your reality), what scares you is the thought of being alone for your entire life. It’s only a thought, not a reality.
I suppose the idea that you will be alone your entire life came to be because you thought that he was the one, and part of you still thinks it.. and if the one is gone from your life.. there is no one else.
“All this came into my head after one of my childhood friends suddenly got in touch with me after a year… When I told her that I separated because his parents… preferred a housewife and very religious person.. she said and I quote, ‘Good for you, you don’t deserve to spoil anybody’s life. You just care about your work and yourself. You are selfish and you will die alone, never find anyone because all of us can look through you.’“-
– there is a saying: with friends like this, who needs enemies? Reads to me that she’s been jealous of you, and angry at you long before she recently got in touch with you, and that she is jealous because you are an independent working woman, and she imagines that your life is much better than hers. In her anger, she tried to hurt you/ to cause you some emotional pain..
“Hearing this from my childhood friend, was so painful… Her words hurt me bad“- and she succeeded.
“I am not selfish. I try to help. I do spend a lot of time working, but I also spend time following my hobbies“- in my communication with you, I sensed no selfishness. On the other hand, your childhood friend (no longer a friend) revealed selfishness when she tried (and succeeded) to hurt you. I am sorry that it happened.
anita
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