Dear Laven,

what I am noticing is that your relationship was rather rocky from the start, with quite a few disagreements:

When we would have disagreements sometimes, and would stop communicating for a few days..due to differences of opinions..

I told him that we had to learn how to better communicate with one another, and not put  much space between us when there are disagreements.

You would stop communicating after those disagreements (I don’t know if it was him or you who stopped contact?), but then he would be the one to apologize and seek contact again:

he always ventured back to me often apologizing, telling me that he missed me, and just wanted to sit down and talk in person

Could you say a little bit about the nature of those disagreements? Because if two people have fundamentally different views on topics that are important to them, it’s not a good prospect for a relationship anyway.

It’s not a good sign either that he recently told you he wanted to break up with you:

Two days before we saw each other last, he told me that he didn’t think it would work out between us and was pursuing other women on social media..and was going to focus on that… I got really upset and heartbroken and wanted clarity..

And then after you got very upset, he apologized and backtracked and told you he wants to spend the rest of his life with you:

then later on that day he begged me to forgive him and told me he was just saying that to make me jealous,  and to see if I was really interested and cared about him. That he felt uncared for by me. He said now that he knew how I felt, he wanted to make plans to spend the rest of our lives together.  That I was the only one for him, etc….

This is a sign that he is internally very conflicted about this relationship: on one hand he wants it (he initiates contact after your disagreements, he apologizes and begs, he comes home from work just to get a hug). But at the same time, he ghosts you after sex, which is a very hurtful behavior, and he also told you directly that he doesn’t think the relationship would work out and is seeking other women.

I am almost certain that I saw him there with another woman as well and they were making out…

He swears that there are no other women…

Even if there are no other women at the moment, he is thinking about it. He seems conflicted, he might have self-esteem issues (being worried about his sexual performance), but in any case, it doesn’t look promising, as it is now.

He is definitely hurting you with his hot-and-cold behavior, his disappearing after intimacy, his promises which he later breaks. This is not sustainable, it’s not a basis for a healthy relationship.

He would need to not only admit that he has a problem (as he is doing now, when he apologizes), but also act on it, e.g. seek therapy. Because right now, his behavior is abusive: he apologizes for hurting you and tells you something that sounds good (e.g. that “he often has trouble expressing his emotions”). He promises not to hurt you again, but then he still does. So it’s a false promise, and the abuse keeps happening.

I think that unless he agrees to seek counseling, you shouldn’t be hoping for him to change. Even if he is not manipulating you on purpose and playing games with you, he is hurting you. His behavior is abusive.

I sometimes feel like confronting him, but I think that may be a bad idea. I don’t want him to think that I am desperate and thinking about him.

I’m soo confused and heartbroken. It is extremely difficult moving on…especially living in close proximity to one another.

I am sorry you are hurting, Laven. He does seem like trouble. I am not sure if you should confront him and ask him to seek therapy, or you should just let go. I don’t know if based on everything you said, he is a good match for you and actually worth pursuing… (considering your frequent arguments, for example, which might indicate deeper disagreements).