Dear Jessy:

You are welcome!

“Do you believe people change? or do you agree that this is just how toxic relationships work?“-

– let’s see.. you met him in college, he was “the shy kind of guy that lacked initiative or attention to details but he have  a heart of gold and always transparent“. Three years ago, he moved away from his (and your) hometown to a different country, while you stayed in your hometown and country, not dating anyone, not going out much, “so chances of me dating were also very slim“.

For two years, while he lives in another country, you had no contact with him. At the beginning 2024, he contacted you, and at one of the early conversations, he texted you a sexual text. Your response: “silent and confused“. He then apologized, and continued chatting lightly.

“I’m not sure why after all these years he is texting and if he even changed… Do you believe people change? or do you agree that this is just how toxic relationships work?“-this is what I am guessing that happened (and I have no way of knowing for sure, of course): he was a shy boy growing up in his hometown, and proceeded to be the shy young man that you dated.

Living in a new country, away from his parents, friends, the place and people who knew him to be one way (shy, etc.), gave him the opportunity to be.. someone different. While you remained the same (no new dating experience), in the same hometown, same country, he experienced a different town or city, in a different country. Maybe it’s a city/ country that’s more liberal than where you still live.  There, he dated, and/ or had sexual experiences that he didn’t have before, such that intrigued him, and made him feel bold and somewhat confident, a new experience for him. And then, one day, he wondered how it would be (sexually) with you.. so he contacted you and expressed his sexual interest in that text he sent you.

People overuse the word toxic, and I don’t see how it applies here, based on the information you provided.

As far as whether he changed: in some ways he did, he had some new sexual experiences, I am guessing (again, I don’t have any concrete evidence to this being true), he feels a new sense of freedom and possibility.

Has the change extended to him being more confident overall, is he more likely to take initiative? Maybe to an extent, and maybe temporarily. If he goes back to his hometown to live, he’d have to go through some adjustment, and his current change may be replaced by the way he used to be, or close to it.

“I’m confused, should Igive him a chance or just go figure my life out?“- ask him questions when you get the chance, not via texting, I suppose, but in another way (email? video call?). Have a conversation with him, get to know him as he is now.

anita