Hi Anita,

Thank you for your suggestions. Yes I started doing these things bit by bit and sometimes I keep going back to my old self but I can say that I am making progress. I’m trying to receive and enjoy myself too from time to time. Even with my boyfriend, in the beginning of the relationship I was not comfortable receiving but I am better now and let myself receive love, care and affection.

It’s been 4 days since I visited my boyfriend’s place and this time around – things are so much better, I definitely am more in the present and am living in the moment. I am able to appreciate him more and see him for the wonderful person he is. But still there are times when I start feeling anxious and my mind is racing with questions, thoughts and fears whenever I think about making a decision. We have been able to have good conversations, talk things out and I even shared with him about my experience with sexual trauma as a kid and he was very supportive.

However, I’m still unable to decide and sometimes feel like something is missing, especially attraction. Is this just a very close friendship? I also sometimes ask myself – “Am I settling for less?” When it comes to marriage I should be able to very welcomingly say yes but i feel like I’m searching for reasons to make this work and I don’t know if that is right. Im tired of going in circles and feeling anxious from time to time that I feel like breaking up unable to take it anymore but I know that I want to breakup with this anxiety and uncertainty more than the person.