Hi Anita

I’m inclined to agree, to the extent I could almost hear your response as I was typing it!

Yesterday I could tell in the call with him he was starting to bear some resentment towards me because of my constant gloominess as of late. Having borne much myself to many people I could see the signs straight away. He said sometimes its like trying to fill in a hole that is impossible to fill. Or leading a thirsty man to water yet he refuses go drink. Having borne much myself to many people I could see the signs straight away. Towards the end I said that this mood between us was creating distance between us, he agreed.

I think the problem is that even though I’m trying to deal with it maturely sometimes, like saying “I think this is pushing us apart” – not arguing or shouting it at him – it’s still almost like, as you said, a part of me refuses to accept love. Sniffing around like a dog trying to find the break up line. Rather than find a solution or a resolution (or even just let these feelings go!), where I don’t keep opening up this topic for the millionth time, I just find another reason to keep the doubt and anxiety alive. So much so that now he is actually getting annoyed!

I can tell he’s getting tired of my (persistent) bad moods. It’s a toxic cycle we find ourselves in. My day to day is fine but the calls are now fraught (for me), will I disappoint him or will I purposely interpret something negatively?

I find it ironic (though painfully) that in my last relationship with someone unattached, distant etc I had infinite patience and always had explanations. Yet with this guy who I love and has shown he wants to commit etc (he even chose all his classes as morning classes this term because we call in the evening!), I’m constantly trying to pick it apart. Like when a cat gets stuck in something and pulls its head back, wriggling, I’m constantly doing that – allergic to just going with the flow.

So too is it ironic about faith. As my therapist said, no one is obliging him to be with me. Yet I’ve gotten to the point of saying “Oh you want to break up then?”. The reality I have with him calls for a leap of faith, in a way but its like I’m “protecting myself” from that. But whenever was love about protecting yourself from it?

I will admit that I think he doesn’t quite know how to handle depression. He will say things like reminding me I haven’t gone to the gym. Things that realistically aren’t a criticism but for a sensitive mind will instantly be forwarded to the “reasons why he hates me” department. I think that partially explains my defensive stance in calls as of late… which just adds to the cycle. We start a call and I’m stone faced, he sees that and that lowers his mood. I’ve had it the other way… a depressed person doesn’t make for great conversation. I was reading about depression and relationships, and sure enough the other often feels desperate after all their attempts to help come to nothing and this can turn into anger and resentment. I can see that’s exactly what’s happening. This too provokes worry! Even though the solution could easily be “take a breath, think of how nice it can be, and has been”, – letting go of these constant tests or doubts –  instead of trying the solution for a while, the mere fact I’m here means I must doubt the entire relationship. Something he says he’s never done.

Perhaps there is a prospect that it’s no longer working. But I think what frustrates me is that I’m not giving it my best shot. Not like “Oh only i was wrong, it’s all my fault”, he could have a better attitude. But my anxieties have been winning and getting the better of me. I don’t want to end something because of that, because that would be an utter waste. Though as I write this I think of all the people who write these things with eternal optimism and then, a few pages later, “we broke up”… but then again… is that me being pessimistic again? ! Ahh!

Its like I don’t know what’s valid. What feelings are valid. Part of me says ahhh just chill out, he’s still there. Another part is constantly adding things to a list, constantly saying “you’re ignoring signs, it’s so obvious”. I have no idea where to draw the line. AHH