Dear Dafne,

happy belated Easter to you too!

Some days are hard to even want to get up & keep going. Especially during the family holidays when everyone reunites at one table.

I am sorry it’s hard for you sometimes, Dafne. Did you spend Easter alone?

I myself am feeling a bit better again, thank God. And it does seem my pain is affected by my psychology and the mental/emotional blocks I still have in me. It’s good to know that I have at least some measure of control of my pain – that I am not completely helpless.

Yes, actually everybody always agreed with how I felt about my father. Most of my family is not here anymore but as far as I remember, they could never get along. Even his own parents were not happy with his behaviour and his difficult character. It always had to be his way or no way. And if not, he got abusive & angry.

My mom was the only one trying to accommodate him, change him, give him too many chances. She denied the reality and sometimes didn’t want to hear my opinion and feelings. I suppose it is because she made a bad decisions in life because she was too much in love with him. It blinded her judgment and later she suffered as well. She might feel like it is her fault not listening to all the warnings around her.

Okay, this paints an interesting picture. So your father was a difficult man, and everybody around you (both friends and family) knew about it and acknowledged it. Everybody except the most important person in your life – your mother.

Your mother was the only one who tent to look away and delude herself that he would change. She not only gaslighted herself, but also you. She invalidated your feelings and your correct view of him (sometimes didn’t want to hear my opinion and feelings).

And she is doing it to this day:

She still pushes me to send him the birthday wishes, Easter, Christmas etc. I feel it’s not right.

No, it’s not right. She is pushing you to expose yourself to his abuse, to endure it. To be nice and loving to a mean and selfish person. It’s not right, Dafne, and I hope you can stick to your resolution to stop availing yourself to his abuse. To stop contact. To stop allowing his toxicity to harm you.

It wasn’t easy for you, dear Dafne, to grow up with a mother who taught you not to have boundaries and not to respect yourself. She didn’t have self-esteem and she taught you the same. Not only by example, but also by encouraging you to disregard your father’s abuse and still be kind to him. And she taught you not to trust your own feelings – because your feelings about him were right, but she dismissed them.

She was his enabler, in a way. She enabled the abuse, even if she herself didn’t commit it. And that’s why I can imagine how hard it was for you, because you must have felt very alone. With an abusive and neglectful father, and a mother who condoned this behavior.

It’s good though that the people around you, both friends and family, saw him for who he is. You said:

Most of my family is not here anymore but as far as I remember, they could never get along.

Do you have family members who are still alive, who did understand you and who you feel would validate your feelings? Because maybe it would make sense to get in touch with them again?

All my friends tell me to forget him. They don’t even want to talk about him. For them he is not worth it. He only wants a child to support him and his vision. So no, Tee I do not really have someone to share anymore.

I see… your friends don’t want to hear your complaints about him any more. They know who he is, and they know he’ll never change. So they don’t want to waste more time on talking about him, right?

Well, I understand them. They probably want the best for you, they’d like you to “move on”. But it’s hard to move on, with all the hurt in your heart. That’s why, if you have the need to talk about him, it would be better not to talk to your friends about him, but to a professional, a therapist. Because your friends can’t help you process and heal the pain, whereas a therapist can.

And I hope that talking about him here on the forum is helping you too, if not to process the pain but at least to understand it. So you are free to talk about him here…

Maybe I should just stop talking and thinking about him? Maybe this will help me to move on faster. Is that even possible?

As I said, when you talk about him, talk with the intention to heal. Don’t talk from the position of a helpless victim (which you indeed were as a child), but from a position of an adult who you are right now.

You are an incredibly empathic and wise woman, Dafne. You are able to change your life. You are able be free from the abuse, because you are able to recognize abuse. You are able to discern what love is, vs. manipulation. You can start trusting your feelings and intuition, because they are right. You can let that wise woman guide you, Dafne.

One of my friends had daddy issues as well but she coped in a different way. Just like you said it. She erased the memory of her father and never spoke about him again. She found a man who actually is much older than her and is happy to be like a father figure to her. He doesn’t mind at all. He understands her pain and wants to take care of her and love her. Is that a better solution for woman with those issues?

Well, it’s okay if they are both happy with this dynamic. If she is a little needy and he doesn’t mind the care-taker role. It doesn’t have to be a child-parent dynamic all the time, but sometimes, say if she starts worrying about something, he might be able to console her and reassure her that everything will be fine. That kind of thing. As long as they both are happy about it and neither of them is frustrated, it’s okay.

It is a time of hope, renewal & of new beginnings. I wish this season will bring us more relief from the emotional and physical pain.

I salute to that, Dafne! To hope, renewal and new beginnings! <3