Definitely is a good fit for my mother, and for me. I think her constant suspicion of my father, and blaming almost everything on him, did do a number on my ability to trust people. It seemed he was constantly betraying her, undermining her and by extension, me. I think only in the last couple of years have I seen both of them objectively – my father included.

Profoundly cynical view of others and the world – me and my mother – in different ways. Her’s is much more deeply suspicious,  I try to forgive the world or “bite the bullet” and dive in to see if it really will betray me. But I think sometimes the hypervigilance mentioned in the next line after this kicks in and i’m creating the betrayals.

They tend to be aloof, cold, distant, argumentative, and frequently complain – I think this perhaps fits me better than my mother. In social contexts I was constantly like this for many years, my only lines were complaining about my father, or how bad everything was/is. Frequently complaining – unfortunately a large number of people have told me I do this, including my boyfriend (where I think it extinguishes his very optimistic attitude and leaves him feeling almost depressed after “talking to me” – where sometimes it’s just me on a tirade against petty little things).

They may appear guarded and secretive, very rational, logical, and unemotional, but at times will be sarcastic, hostile, and rigid – yes, again. For me this is 100%, I am guarded with him, when I think about it. I still don’t fully consider myself to be in a relationship with him, almost regarding it as a cynical ploy – something might happen (not will, but might, based on the past) – therefore, act like you don’t care. This means I make sarcastic jokes all the time with him, almost mocking his commitment to me. Rather than it being the odd poke in the ribs about something, it’s nearly everyday a “joke” reminding him of his past errors. Rational, logical – yes, these too. I wonder sometimes if I’m autistic in someway with the sort of coldness I treat him and others. I empathize with them, but sometimes outright say that this idea someone has is stupid. Not with friends or acquaintances – but with my boyfriend, yes.

They will be highly critical of others, but will respond to criticism of themselves with hostility or defensiveness… Again, yes. Since I was a child, criticism was a hurtful experience, I could barely take any – it still hurts to do so even to this day. And of course, I am very critical of others, in certain contexts. I managed to let some of it go and don’t care as much about people in general (as in, caring about criticizing them), but again, I can easily criticise my boyfriend to his face.

will interpret ambiguous or benign remarks as hurtful or threatening – yeah, very often. I think i’ve had to actually learn that often it’s not the case and people are just joking.

Grudges, goodness! I hold them against anyone. I have ammunition to fire away at anytime. I never let it go. Sometimes I manage to, in the conversation perhaps, but then it will reappear the next time my temper is raised.

Knowing this, I wish I could let some of it go, but how? I should be making the changes to remove these. I’ve spent an awful lot of time alone – especially after the pandemic, and I think these unfortunate habits haven’t been properly challenged. My previous therapist never said anything in sessions other than hello and goodbye (another waste of money!). When it was just me it was fine but I can’t treat someone i’m in a relationship with this way – especially how I am now, acting as if it’s his problem!