They do resonate, I had wondered sometimes if I had BPD. A friend of mine knew someone diagnosed with it, and she (the friend) said how they were talking about people in a very positive way, then something happened and instantly they were untrustworthy, horrible, a snake etc. I think I can see some characteristics of me doing that too, perhaps more so than my parents. Not that I’m not in control of such behaviours, but the emotional forces behind them overwhelms me easily. Rather than have a reaction, let’s say, and simply choose to act on that or not, I become overwhelmed with vengence, or betrayal or some such emotion.

At the same time my reactions remind me of that of a child, where they in a way can’t handle their emotions/reactions and get into a bit of a state.

I think my mother never had these behaviours towards me, however, and so in that way, it was lucky. We’re all on the spectrum for some disorder, maybe she is a bit further up than others. I think a strong dividing line is that she didn’t have this towards everyone all the time. She was fiercely protective of me rather than involving me in the great betrayal – along with my sibling, and her close friends – they were “in the circle”. I think her having a tough time when I was around 10/11 (a great deal of family issues amongst other things) led her to be this way. My father says she never used to be like this. Indeed as a young child I don’t even remember her saying stuff like that. It was only when I was a teenager that it really got worse – those years where my view of the world is formed, but some more important relationships are formed. Just as her view and experience of the world was worsening, mine was being cemented, and I was alone with her an awful lot. I maybe have a decent base but a lot of this paranoid thinking sprinkled on top. Nonetheless, I think seeing it in a frame of a disorder helps. At least to see it as “disordered behaviour”. I remember doing the same with myself previously – seeing, thinking and feeling when my behaviour (anxiety, let’s say) was perhaps leading me astray.

I think it can give me some hope, certainly in trying to recognize these thoughts as they arise. I keep remembering my therapist saying about how we “reproduce” the behaviours of those we live with (I think I said it a couple days ago). I can see more and more it’s a sort of hangover from that. I remember a time, when I was happy and at university, when I could be a good steward of my thoughts, and tell unpleasant/unneeded ones to go on their way. But now i’m a little more unstable/unsure of myself and that process is much harder. But, I think, to know that these thoughts that are so thoroughly unpleasant fundamentally don’t need to be acted/thought upon does help.

Returning to the relationship with my boyfriend, I have entered a sort of paranoia, but not over his trustworthiness, but over the impacts of my behaviour. I can sense he is a little more distant, sharing less with me. We reconciled mid-way through this week, then had an argument, over the stupidest, minor thing, on Friday. We sent audio messages after, I said i’m sorry and that in a way these don’t mean much to me. He sent one back saying the same, and that these things won’t kill his love for me. But gosh, I feel such a fool. I regret so much all the guarded behaviour, gatekeeping to my feelings, rolling my eyes at his attempts to create closeness – ignoring his calls when it wasn’t convenient for me, for example. He still calls of course.

Again, thoughts deceive me, I dont know if it really is water under the bridge for him, and now it’s an anxious attachment phase that i’m stuck in, going “is he really more distant?”. Even if he was, it would be understandble, and the best way for us to return to a normal baseline is for me to reduce the intensity of my emotions and let it come back naturally. I can’t just constantly seek reassurance after causing a minor rift.

I’m writing this and remembering what you said a couple days ago, that the inner child is dominant in me. I see some sort of childish behaviour here too. I remember sometimes I could be very insistent as a child, determined and willful, but this clashed with my parents who were just the same. Sometimes it would annoy them, but they would also react like a child – they wouldn’t ignore me, but they wouldn’t offer reassurance sometimes, it would be something that haunted (haunts) me to this day. This seeking reassurance from my boyfriend reminded me of this. But it’s like i’m determined to hear him say it again and again until I feel better. If I don’t here it, it means I have killed out relationship and all those bad things will come true.

But in reality, maybe just acting like normal, waiting for the daily call etc, is fine. Maybe I don’t have to try and ring him as soon as he is free, desperate for reassurance. But then, he was always so communicative and now he’s quieter, which he says is because he’s studying. I worry if I give him space this will become the norm and I will have lost a part of him, so instead i’m desperately trying to explain myself to him…