Dear Helcat,

I wrote to you yesterday and for some reason the post is waiting for moderation.. I am not sure why.

“Have you got any meditation practices?”

Yes! For the past 5 years, whenever I have felt myself in a streak of anxiety for more than a few days I have used the app, Headspace, to guide me through morning mediations. There I learned to meditate through going into my body, as well as visualizing a light coming from the sky through the top of my head and glowing out of me as far as I could visually stretch it. Since researching Buddhism, I have learned about meditation through self reflection, before I didn’t realize this was a type of mediation, but I had been doing it before, as is obvious with my posting on here in general. I have also practiced empty mind meditation. This morning particularly I woke up from some negative dreams and attempted to meditate to wake my third eye, I just focused on the space between my eyes, thought of the wisdom it brought, then decided to have some tea with it. I am not sure if there is a more effective meditation practice to open the third eye (aka my ability to see things as they truly are)?

“I don’t know if you’ve heard of Traditional Chinese Medicine? “

I have not, but would like to learn! Last year I did not eat well, lots of takeout, weed was involved, and so was an abrupt move from moderate weather and seasons, to intense heat and dryness. Stress and sleep trouble were also involved. I am still on a self reflection journey to see what happened to me last year, why I felt/was so unconscious. Although I did lots of art in that time, I wonder if consciousness is apart of that, or if art is meditative?

“Buddhism is great at unpicking things and helping you to choose what you’d like to keep and let go.”

This is one of the reasons I am seeking out Buddhist teachings, because I want to let go. Although I have some fear around what those things are, my messages here to Anita have been about my long time friend, P, who since being on this journey, has seemed like part of what I may need to let go. But I have thoughts like “what if she is just that way because of …. right now, and will wake back up, I shouldn’t give up on her?” “Doesn’t being a good friend/family member mean to stick by someone through the lows?” When to release.

“False selves. … A conditioned response, where we default to a learned pattern in times of stress.”

How do I detect when it is my false self wanting to make a decision, or me, and if there is this separation… then who is me? If false selves have conditions and preferences, does “me/I” have preferences too? That is a big question I have had on this journey. I was feeling artsy one day and built this shelf in my room, it is painted sage green and has pink flowers all over it, I put some plants and a jewelry box inside. After I made it I thought “that is my style/ my aesthetic, it resonates with me and I love it.” A short time after, I got to the portion of Michael Singers teachings about false selves and it made me wonder…is that piece of art just an accumulation of what I have “falsely” identified with in my life? If so, what even is my art…the expression of false selves?

“A lot of Buddhist practices are designed for monastery life. So it’s hard to get too deep into it, but definitely helpful for lessening suffering.”

This is what I have suspected. I do not want to be a perfectionist about it because that is just another false self entering the equation. It is hard to live by certain things and not bother others.. if you see someone acting as a false self, asking you to do something, do you say no and call them out, ignore them or just do it?

“Surrendering and accepting things as they are is difficult! I always resist. I’m stubborn as a mule!”

Hahaha, I am stubborn too, although I identify more with a seaturtle, the sign given to me by the stars is a Bull, and I can’t argue with that.

“And some of these books about Buddhism. If you come back to them in a couple of years. Parts will make sense that didn’t make sense before.”

I can totally see this being true, it has already happened to me, this is the third time I read Untethered soul and it took till this time for me to actually see that Surrendering is the answer. Also, The Power of Now, I was given that book when I was 17 and I remember wanting to understand it so badly but I was just rereading the same thing over and over. But now I read and understand which is validating to growth!

Seaturtle and Bull