Dear Tommy:

I like your distinction between acting and reacting to a member (an OP). When I notice that as I reply to a member, I feel angry, I pause and switch from anger to => empathy. Better to not reply at all than reply when under the influence of anger.

“My intent was to make her look at herself and her situation. To have her pull herself out of this self-pity“- anger expressed at an OP, even if there is an intent to help the OP, will not pull the OP out of self  pity. All the OP sees are words on a computer screen, words typed out by a person the OP doesn’t know and has no reason to trust (in most cases). So, your expressed anger at an OP is .. just anger, judgement coming out of the screen, hitting the hurting OP, and casing further pain. It is of no help, only harm.

I hope that you are careful about speaking in anger in real-life, so to Do No Harm.

bright zen way. org/ five ways to consider before speaking: “The Buddha taught there were five things to consider before speaking. Is what you’re about to say: 1. Factual and true, 2. Helpful, or beneficial, 3. Spoken with kindness and good-will.., 4. Endearing.. spoken gently…  5. Timely…

“Basically, if it seems very unlikely our speech will be helpful or beneficial, no matter our intentions, the Buddha suggests we remain silent…

“Considering our own attitude while speaking is another useful approach to evaluating our speech. What are we thinking and feeling as we contemplate saying something? Do we have judgments in our mind about the person we’re speaking to – that they’re stupid, weak, pathetic, inferior, deluded, stubborn, etc.? If so, chances are we’re feeling superior to them and our motivation to speak isn’t sincerely about their best interests.

“If someone has hurt or offended us…. chances are our speech will be tinged with anger and a desire to hurt the person in return. Sometimes we can remind ourselves of the importance of speaking with good-will, and we’ll be able to extend some warmth, patience, and benefit-of-the-doubt to those we’re speaking to or about…

“Even if we’re convinced we should speak, failing to consider how our words are going to make someone feel shows either self-centeredness or folly. After all, why are we speaking? Do we just want make a point that we’re right, or do we actually want to communicate something to others? If we actually want to communicate, then we’d better think about how our words are likely to be received.

“Of course, the Buddha makes it clear right speech may sometimes not be endearing. We can easily think of examples where this is the case – when we need to say ‘no,’ or set a boundary with someone, or we need to point out harmful behavior, or say something that’s likely to make someone feel defensive or ashamed no matter how we put it. If we’re motivated by good-will, what we say is factual and true, and we think saying it will be beneficial, then we can say it. But…  we should have ‘a sense of the proper time for saying’ what we want to say. Maybe we should bite our tongue and speak to someone in private instead of blurting our message out at the dining room table..”.

I hope that you find the above helpful, Tommy. I do. Thank you for your best wishes and wishing you the best as well!

anita