Dear Laven:

I am sorry that you are still heartbroken, but I am glad you are posting about it again. It can help you to express yourself and see that others are reading your words and want you to get better, wanting you to recover from a broken heart.

I will start with the ending of your original post: “I feel like I deserve the hurt and pain. Maybe it’s my fault that I been used, and discarded like trash.. he isn’t the first to do such a thing to me. I cry a lot.“-

– You are not like trash, and you don’t deserve to be treated like trash. Trash has no feelings, such as hurt and pain, but humans do feel hurt and pain, and therefore you, as a human being, should be treated with compassion and consideration for your well-being.

When one person uses another person selfishly, the fault is not with the one being used, but with the one doing the (selfish, unjust) using.

“Was it all pretend.. even though we had over 8,000 conversations and discussions about a lot of things.. via text.. since the beginning? Up until he blocked me, whenever I called, he would always answer or get back to me when he could“- I’d say that over eight thousand conversations that he chose to have with you means that it was not all pretend on his part.

“Was it all for nothing?? I just don’t understand. Everyday I struggle to respect his wishes and not confront him.. It’s hard to let go…especially when he lives in such close proximity. I want to move on, but I don’t know if I am capable, or will ever“-

– (1)  the fact that he is your neighbor and you can see his house, even the inside of his house, from your house, is a serious obstacle in you moving on. I wonder if you can install heavy, dark curtains over your windows that face his house, and secure the curtains in place, so that you can’t move them any time you feel compelled to do so…?

(2) There is a psychology today article called 5 Ways to Move On From an Ex You Stil Love. I am quoting from the ending of the article: “5. Love yourself more- Ultimately, moving on from a relationship that wasn’t working is about loving yourself… choose to turn the pain into a gain. Every relationship, if we let it, can teach us something about ourselves and give us greater clarity about what we need… Know that a relationship isn’t a failure just because it ended. If you grew as a person and learned something to move your life forward, then it served a purpose and was truly a success.”

Maybe reading the whole article will be helpful for you?

anita