Dear Anita,

I hope you had a nice weekend 🙂

“My point is, restated, that if you want a positive, relaxing birthday weekend in Palm Springs, then having a person who is, (your words),  “so negative“, who “talks just so much, doesn’t allow a moment of silence… cuts me off… doesn’t listen when I talk…just waits to talk“, is not congruent with having a positive, relaxing weekend, not for you, and not for your roommate- friend.”

– Although these things are true, they aren’t always true, I have been able to relax with her before, and she has been in more positive spirits, the version of her I remain hopeful for in Palm Springs…

– Also, something else that is congruent with me, is that I don’t want to control so much anymore, and that includes other people’s behavior. Maybe then the solution is to not expect a relaxing weekend in Palm Springs, just what is meant to be will be, and I will grow from it spiritually by learning to let go of the part of me that is bothered…? (more on this later)

-I Spoke with her over Sunday morning coffee and learned something new about me and her. In the conversation she said she felt what I was saying was unfair, she said she can’t help but talk so much cause she has adhd.. She also said she is negative because it has been a hard year, just as my hard year with my last living situation, when I was negative too so it was unfair of me to tell her her negativity was a problem. I explained that to vent about a struggle is ok with me, but when the negativity bleeds out into her constantly complaining about other things too, that was not something I wanted to handle. She got teary eyed. Claimed I was calling her out in public… we were in a cafe and few people around with headphones on. I told her, no this is not “public” and also even if a random person here heard us then who cares… this is way more important than that. She sort of broke down into tears, talking about it has been the hardest year of her life and she would try to recognize her negativity, she said she knew she was negative and that is why she has been less social lately.

• Days before meeting, I decided I would not give in to my minds thoughts all week, trying to plan every word. I decided I would try to use this situation to practice surrendering to life’s events and staying centered. I also told myself all I needed to know was that she was going to be aware of her negativity, I didn’t expect it to change over night, so when she admitted that I felt like that was all I could do, she is coming and we will see. The morning of our meeting, I did what gets me centered the most accurately, hot yoga. I met her at a cafe, one of my favorite places to stay centered. As she said those things above, I stayed quiet trying to reflect, I did not agree that I was all that negative to her last year, I kept most to myself and actually here with you Anita. I didn’t say this to her because I doubted myself, and still do, maybe I was negative to her and how can I deny that? I don’t have a perfect memory, and it would make sense since I was in a hard place with a very challenged third eye. When she said the thing about talking so much cause her therapist, when she was little, said she had adhd… I really wanted to roll my eyes. I know that letting your thoughts run away and talk talk talk, is manageable through mindfulness. But Again I didn’t say anything because I thought maybe she did have some condition, how can I tell her her talking is controllable if I am not in her body?…
• Today, 2 days later, I don’t really feel much better about her coming. The cafe was good for us though, in that she seemed to respect my presence and aspired to be more centered and positive too. And of course after I told her she talked too much she let me speak as much as I needed to and I was definitely able to express myself and felt like she was actively listening and I felt seen. I still don’t like how she just had all the excuses for talking so much, and also her negativity. I didn’t see that in the moment though, today I recognize all the excuses and wonder if anything will actually change at all.

There’s a similar topic, that this is a good example for, that I want to ask your thoughts on. Right now is a good example of a time where I don’t know whether to let go, or ask her not to come. I know I said before, maybe I need to drop my expectation of a relaxing trip and let life unfold how it will if I don’t step in and ask her not to come. When to take control and when to not, is really difficult for me to decipher at this stage of my spiritual growth.

“I read your recent posts about your boredom and restlessness, and what occurred to me is that you need the most- seems to me-  a  why”

– I have a why, for why I come to work, and why I do alot of other things I do. That boredom comes in for the last few hours of the day, yes I do need a why for that timing.

Seaturtle