Dear Lulu:

“I want to say sorry for the very long rant“- no need to apologize, as far as I am concerned. I would like you to feel comfortable with any length of your posts! Actually, this post will be very long.

“I really hope everything gets better Anita“- I hope so too, Lulu!

“Even though I have the opportunity to succeed, I’m feeling doubt on if I even deserve it. People call it imposter syndrome, anxiety, etc. etc., but it’s real and it’s alive and it sometimes feels like it’s eating me“- you deserve success, I have no doubt about it. I want to talk about your doubt later on, in this post.

“Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this“- you are welcome, and thank you for being here. I would like you to stay here for as long as you want, as often as you want, and express yourself at any length per post. You are welcome here!

“About my other thread earlier, my current goal is to be someone like you“- this is.. so sweet of you to say, thank you!

Earlier this morning, before getting to the computer, I was thinking about your original post in this thread, and I want to first, summarize it (Part 1 below), and then, respond to it more at length (Part 2 below), keeping in mind (1) the self-doubt you expressed in your latest post, and (2)  the question in the title of this thread: What do I do now?:

Part 1, Summary: You shared that you (17, going on 18) live in a public housing unit with your mother and 4 younger siblings, all are your mother’s biological children: a brother with ADHD, a sister with special needs (same sister as the one with a disabling autoimmune issues, or a different one?), a sister with bone cancer, and a 6-year old half sibling. Your mother was recently laid off from her job and is unemployed.

Your father, after separating from your mother, had 3 children with other women, one is to turn 7 this year, another was put up for adoption, and the youngest is a toddler whom you never met. He is estranged from his current wife.

Over the summer before you entered 9th grade (summer, 2021), you were sexually assaulted by a male family member. Filled with guilt and anxiety, you called your father for help. His response was to suggest that.. you may have been guilty for the assault, if you wore certain clothes. Some time later, he said that he didn’t remember that you told him about the assault.

You had a terrible mental breakdown during 10th grade (February 2022), and one late night, you started writing a suicidal letter, but called a suicidal helpline which helped you that night. The following week though, you were sent to a psych ward for 3 weeks, and were diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. You were prescribed an antidepressant, but it didn’t seem to help. Nonetheless, you ended 10th grade with a distinguished honor roll, and with a slightly better outlook on life.

During that time (2022), your ten-year-old sister started to have disabling autoimmune problems, and your father- with whom you were not in contact at the time- fell into a coma after taking a drug that was laced with (fentanyl perhaps), which caused his heart to stop and he almost died. Your mother took care of him in the hospital, and it seemed like they were friendly to each other. You were back to talking with him, and he broken down and apologized for how he treated you. The two of you maintained a relationship for a while, did things together, and you finally felt that you had your dad back, that your life was going right. Unfortunately, he had a falling out with your mother after she refused to get back together with him (Nov 2022).

During your 11th grade (May 2023), your 14-year-old sister’s leg started hurting and it turned out to be osteosarcoma, bone cancer. You called your father to ask him to drive you to the SAT testing center, being that your mother had to stay with your sister in the hospital, and he answered the phone screaming, mistaken you for your mother. A few weeks later, on another call, the last call you had with him. You wrote about that call: “I had always wanted my dad to love me. I had spent my entire life chasing his affections to no avail. I said he was a selfish person and I didn’t care if he died. He just laughed at that. Then I hung up and never talked to him since. It was May 2023“.

Following that, you, your mother and siblings travelled to Philadelphia so that your 14-year-old sister could get chemotherapy at the Children’s Hospital there. Your mother, siblings and you stayed in various hotels during that time (June-July 2023), some damp and dirty. You watched over your siblings while your mother was at the hospital with her 14-year-old. Nonetheless, you took the SAT (June 3, 2023), but you scored barely above average, given all the stress you were under.

At the end of July 2023, you all moved to a one-floor apartment paid for by Children’s Hospital, and transfer to a school in the area (September 2023), where you did a bunch of AP classes, signed up for five clubs, and studied for your (2nd) SAT. Meanwhile, your sister had to get leg surgery, as well as multiple rounds of chemotherapy, and physical therapy for about five months, during which time, you were often left alone in the apartment with your siblings. Your grades started to slip slightly, and you had frequent breakdowns because you were so drained. You never took the 2nd SAT because there was no one to drive you to the testing center, but you did take test-optional.

In Jan 31, 2024, the hospital stopped paying for the apartment in Philadelphia, and after 6 months in  Philadelphia, all of you moved back home. Your sister’s cancer was expected to be in remission, but a new tumor was found in her spine. In Feb 2024, all of you traveled back and forth to Philadelphia, staying in more hotels. In one of them, security guards busted into the room while your mother was at the hospital, and were taking a shower, because unknown to you, the room wasn’t paid for that night.

In March 2024, you were chosen as a finalist for a PhD program (a PhD program for. undergraduates?) and was scheduled to go to DC at the end of March. You were thrilled, but a few days later, it was found that your sister’s spine tumor had begun to spread quickly, and you all had to rush to Philadelphia again. On April 7th, you found out that you were rejected from the program.

You were accepted to a school close to home, but your mother wants to relocate to North Carolina, 10 hours away.  You expect to graduate high school on May 30, and your mother wants to move to N.C the day after, May 31, 2024, and Prom is on May 4, two days from today. About the Prom, you wrote, “three friends are excited to see me. And yet, I feel filled with regret, anxiety, and insecurity over everything“.

Part 2: “even though I have the opportunity to succeed, I’m feeling doubt on if I even deserve it“- you have what it takes, Lulu. Your doubts will continue for a while: it’s a habit of the brain, a mental habit, and like any habit, habits persist.  But you can turn down the volume of these doubts, and over time, you will barely hear them.. until you won’t hear them anymore.

“People call it imposter syndrome, anxiety, etc. etc., but it’s real and it’s alive and it sometimes feels like it’s eating me“- the courageous 17-going-on-18 Lulu, is the real thing, she is no imposter. If she needs to fake courage so to survive and thrive in very difficult circumstances, she is still authentically courageous. Faking courage for a good purpose is as authentic as can be.

“Even with my sister’s current state, there are days where we are normal and happy.. And then there are days where it feels as though the world is ending“- when in bad times, do not despair: remember the good times of the past, and look forward to good times in the future.

Focus on the Positive, on the Inspiring.

“I pray I have the strength to continue this journey with my mom and my family“- the serenity prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”. Keep this prayer in mind.

Let’s continue to communicate, Lulu, for as long as you want.

anita