Hi Seaturtle

I’m sorry to hear that you were made to feel imperfect as a child from all sides. The beauty of being a child is being imperfectly perfect. Making mistakes is a huge part of growing up. Raising my son, he does things that are stressful sometimes. His crying was stressful early on, he wakes through the night and he is a messy eater. But it is all part of being a baby. It’s not the child’s fault the parent experiences stress when the child does something natural for a child (like making a mess). It is a parent’s job to learn to manage the situation and their own emotions properly instead of blaming the child.

It sounds like your father tried to control you to a horrific degree. The more details you share, the more grim the picture. Made to exercise the way he wanted, made to do what he wanted and made to think and feel what he wanted. No wonder you were feeling hypervigilant cleaning up after the party.

An image of a young Seaturtle comes to mind. Worrying about crumbs. Hypervigilant and fearing her father’s punishment. You didn’t deserve any of it. You deserved to feel safe, happy and loved in your own home. Such difficult circumstances that you had to grow up in.

This type of thing with the letter… I have some baggage here, so I don’t know if my thoughts are correct. I welcome Anita or Roberta to give their input on this if they have any?

My instincts are pessimistic and say that your instincts are correct about the gaslighting. It reminds me of my mother who likes to play a role on special occasions. But outside of special occasions, doesn’t act in that way. Has your father ever behaved like that at all before?

Then another small part of my mind is playing devil’s advocate. Well relationships can improve after children move out. Perhaps he is trying to change?

Well done on handling your roommate and her temper when it comes to money. People who lash out about money tend to have very individual and unique beliefs about it. In my experience, the only way to not trigger them is to follow their rules. But, it may not suit you to do so. The only other way would be to get a new roommate or get used to the situation.

It is difficult with your friend who has ADHD and Depression. I think that your feelings about it being difficult to spend time with someone who is gloomy and won’t stop talking about that type of thing is honestly fair.

But at the same time this is how someone with ADHD and Depression acts. Expecting her to be able to control her behaviour and act differently. It’s extremely unlikely from my point of view.

I don’t know if you knew she had ADHD before this conversation or if you know much about ADHD as a condition?

I don’t think that you were being mean or unfair. Just perhaps that you were overly hopeful of her ability to change and not aware of the impact of her conditions. It is an honest thing to happen.

The conversation is a trigger for her though. People with ADHD regularly encounter people complaints about things like talking too much, which is as she said is a part of her condition. The negativity is a result of the depression though. The depression may make it more difficult than usual to manage the ADHD as well.

I think a difficulty for you may be that as you have said you try really hard to work on yourself. It isn’t easy the work you are doing but you are doing amazingly and should be proud of yourself. Understandably, you feel like she should try to and see her as an equal in this way.

But sometimes being an equal doesn’t mean treating someone in the same way as you. We are all unique individuals.

I also think that her being triggered and her comments about her feelings could be hurtful to you? Do you feel hurt by her?

All around it is a difficult situation for you because you have to figure out how you want to manage this friendship.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏