A Journal Entry

The past three days I have felt a shift in my energy. I feel sad and helpless. I can manage the feelings because I do see that they sweep over me like waves and eventually fall away. However, they are not fun.

Last night I needed to journal before going to sleep in order to give my mind a rest. I journaled about how “sometimes I miss him while simultaneously knowing he is wrong for me.” I feel repetitive for saying this, but despite my best efforts to want to just let go completely, it seems it’s like a boomerang, just as I think it is the farthest it has ever been, it comes shooting back. I carry some guilt and wonder over having a conversation before breaking up saying “I need … from you or I need to leave the relationship.” I think this seed of thought was planted when he came over and said things like I gave up on him and that he lost himself for the second half of the relationship. But then, I recall having doubts about trusting him with my emotions earlier than halfway through. Him being late, when I told him it hurt my feelings, him forgetting about me and prioritizing so many things over our relationship while I was left to figure out why I felt like he was not present or very loving. His lack of self awareness made it almost impossible for him to take responsibility, that turned into so much gaslighting of my feelings and thoughts about the state of our relationship. I know leaving the relationship, in the state that it was in, was the right thing to do, and most respectful thing I could do for my self. But I fear that he will improve for someone else, and it was me who wasn’t worth it, that I didn’t do enough in the relationship. My desire is to just fully let go! And I feel like I have.. but then this boomerang came back to me the past 3 days or so.

The shift in my energy lead to me looking up stages of a breakup/grief, and I wonder if this change in my energy is a temporary new stage I just got to..

1. Denial – I feel like I sort of glossed over this one since I am the one that ended it.

2. Shock – I went straight to shock after the breakup, and here did a lot of preventative work, reminding myself every moment of doubt why I did what I did and re-realizing it was the right thing, every time. I feel like I did this stage as healthy as I could.

3. Anger – I did visit this stage. This was a more obvious stage as anger is an easy emotion for me to detect. This was a short stage though because it fueled my reasons why it was right to leave, so it was actually helpful.

4- Bargaining – says online it is “imagining ways to have handled the situation differently.” I spent a lot of time here, perhaps one of the hardest stages because I have faced many things that I could have done better in the relationship. But here I reminded myself that I truly exhausted myself trying to mend the relationship, I know I did my best with the emotional resources I had.

5- Depression and Sadness – When I read this this morning I immediately felt I fell into this category right now and the past 3 days. He has entered my dreams, the things I liked are all bubbling to the surface, the comfort the relationship brought physically and mentally, to have someone to have dinner with, always a Sunday morning friend. All of the good memories we had are playing games in my mind saying I will never have it that good again.. I am pretty sure this is a lie but I am afraid it is right and that my path won’t ever lead me to another partner… After all, who am I to think I deserve that from life? I am looking forward to the next stage to hold me through… but this stage is where I find myself wanting to be the most self destructive… these emotions are uncomfortable and I find myself wanting to escape them with alcohol, weed, tv, even contacting him.. this is the most tempted I have been and that is hard for me to even confess.. quick dopamine activities. But I always feel worse the next day after quick dopamine, but I am finding it hard to be inspired to do the things I usually love like running/yoga or talking with friends. Even when I bring myself to run, or I just tried tai chi (which I loved) on Saturday, the joy is temporary and in a matter of hours I am back to the sadness.

6- Acceptance – “things will start to feel more positive”

7- moving on, “true disengagement.”

I am not sure what I need at the stage I am in right now, all I know is I don’t want to be here, but growing from it is giving me a drop of hope!

Seaturtle