Dear Dafne,

thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them and am happy I can help <3

You’re right those counselors weren’t professional and unfortunately my anxiety skyrocketed after that visit.

Even the fact that they were two (or more) of them, not just one counselor, in the session with you, is strange. Individual counseling is done 1:1. There is no need for another person to sit in the room, unless they are perhaps a supervisor. But that’s rare. Did both of those supposed “counselors” actually actively participate in the session with you? Have you inquired about their credentials? Because it could be that they are not real counselors, with a proper training.

I will try to apply your plan for the future and moving away at some point. I could still visit frequently and help as much as I can without staying accesible and feel stuck in one place with them full time.

I am so glad you’ve decided to plan for your future, where you won’t be stuck in the care-taker role full time, but will have the freedom to follow your own path. That’s wonderful!

But Tee, what should I do with that little dog? He did not deserve to be treated like that. What if my mother is serious and will give him away. His heart would not handle it as he has a separation anxiety and doesn’t stay alone at home and never at other people’s place.

You mean someone is always at home and he never needed to stay at home alone? And he hasn’t been trained for that either? I am not a dog expert, but perhaps you can inquire at the dog shelter you’re volunteering at about what’s best to do.

And also, I know people like your mother – they like to blackmail with suicide or horrid things like that, but they would actually never do it. That’s their manipulation tactic. It is a way to keep you obedient and in the role she wants you to be. So don’t worry, she wouldn’t do any of the kind.

And if she keeps threatening, you can tell her that she seems self-dangerous, and that you’ll have to report her to the authorities (e.g. her GP) that she might harm herself or the dog, and that she’ll need to be taken for a psychiatric evaluation. That can be a bluff, of course, but I think it might be enough to silence her.

Because such people can only behave if they are blackmailed in some way, if they fear the possible consequences for them. If not, they have no regard whatsoever for other people, and you can’t reason with them. So I think this might be a good tactic – to use her own method and blackmail her (even if you are bluffing) with unpleasant consequences if she keeps telling these disturbing things about harm and self-harm.

And you’re so right about that wrong mind program running in my head since childhood. It is mostly those little statements that my family always used on me: don’t talk, stay quite, what people will think, hide in your room or he (my uncle or my dadd) will get more angry when he sees you smiling (I could not smile in the presence of my uncle), don’t touch this, your opinion doesn’t matter etc.

That’s so unfortunate, Dafne, that you were not allowed to be a normal kid, play freely and express yourself freely. You constantly had to fear something (your father or your uncle), and your mother was feeding that fear: she actually conditioned you to be this fearful little girl, who should not be seen or heard, who shouldn’t have any needs or desires of her own, who should hide in the corner (or her room) lest she gets the beating.

I am so sorry that you were treated like that. It is time now to slowly but surely liberate that little girl from her corner, to let her speak and want things and express herself, and play freely. She deserves it, and you deserve it too. Her time, and your time, has come.

I feel lots of fear. I hope it will not prevent me from moving away and finding my own place. I’m not sure if I can make it on my own. It is ironic how we are emotionally attached to people who have hurt you the most in life. Isn’t it?

I know you feel fear. It’s normal that you do. Because you were taught that you are not good enough, and that you better hide from the world, instead of go out into the world and thrive and be happy. The message your mother gave you was something like “stay here with me, where you are safe. You are not good for anything else anyway.”

But staying with her, caring for her and sacrificing your life for her is not a safe place at all. It is a place of decay and degradation. A place of lost opportunities and unfulfilled dreams.

So it is time to get out of there, slowly but surely. You don’t need to do it suddenly, but by taking baby steps.

I would also recommend to find something that you enjoy doing, and do more of it. Because you need to play more, you need to give your inner child the joy of doing something just for the fun of doing it. Not because it serves anybody. But simply because you enjoy it, so it serves you!

So take up a hobby or some activity outside of serving your mother and her cousin, and even outside of volunteering at the dog shelter. Something which is pure joy for you, and you feel alive and happy when you do it.

Is there such a thing for you?

I am so happy that you are opening up to the possibility of venturing out from your comfort zone. Which of course is not comfortable at all, but painful. But it feels safe, until we realize it is not. And until it starts shrinking on us. At least that’s what I am learning nowadays about my own comfort zone…

So I completely understand your fears, but I also know it is a necessity to step out of our comfort zone, if we want to be really happy and fulfilled.

I am rooting for you, and thinking of you! Much love <3